Present moment living

This morning the alarm went off at 6 am. I had been trying to decide if I was going to get up or if I was going to stay in bed having been wake since 5 am. Telling myself it was the weekend so I could treat myself  to staying in bed a little longer. To not rush about but my mind was wandering from one thought to the next. My head full of stuff. Stuff that I have to do. Stuff I have not done. Stuff. So I decided to get up.

I am finding it difficult to get up because it is so dark in the mornings here compared to the light that was flooding through my windows every morning at 5.45 in England so it feels like winter to my mind’s eye rather than the remnants of summer.  Tossing and turning I decided to get up and boy was I glad I did.

I love witnessing the dawning of a new day and this morning was a true gift from the Universe. The sky was clear.  There were beautiful stars in the sky twinkling like little diamonds. The night lights of the darkness I call the stars. There was a lone cloud suspended in the twilight sky, I stood at the window and looked out at the sky and asked the Universe to guide me.  To help me to get rid of the mumble and jumble in my mind. And I inhaled deeply then closed my eyes.

The Universe presenting itself to me in its finest hour. Showing me the silhouettes of everything. The energy behind us all. The essence of our existence. Shining bright against the dark morning. The dark giving way to the light and I immediately felt better. Blessed. Fortunate. Grateful for experiencing the stillness of the day. The dawning of the new day. The opportunity to start anew. To not worry about the things I had no control over but to focus on present moment living.

Which took me to something I read about Oprah just yesterday when someone asked her about her life and she stated she does not worry about yesterday nor tomorrow, nor anything beyond where she is at the present moment because she tries to live in the moment. And that’s when I knew the Universe had answered my prayer. Had listened to me and had guided me to that place in my brain where I had stored that gem from Oprah. To know that if I live in this moment, not the moment behind me or beyond me, all will be well. And only then will I be able to rid myself of the mumble jumble threatening to pull me into a quagmire I cannot escape.

When I opened my eye, the dark sky had given way to the light. The night lights of the dark sky had given way to the sun rising in the East. The cloud that had lain silhouetted in the dark sky now red from the rising sun. The leaves gently waving in the breeze. Allowing me to inhale the freshness of this new day. Exhaling the thoughts of old as the song, Morning has broken, filled my head and my being. Pure joy and surrender.

Happy Saturday everyone. I am going to try to continue to present moment living enjoying all the changes each moment presents such that my hearts can be filled with gratitude and wonder. Like that of a child. Already I feel carefree and blessed. Namaste.

My mother-in-law teaching me to live with gratitude

Last Sunday we spent the day with my husband’s family. His mother. His older brother and his wife. A lovely lunch in Newcastle and then back to his mother’s house to meet his Aunt and have tea, coffee, desserts and more family time.

It truly was strange to be in the house without my husband’s dad who died in January of this year. Particularly since this was our first trip back since he died. The house feels different. More feminine. More my husband’s mother than it ever was. She seems to have come into her own. Telling us this is the first time in her life she has ever lived on her own. She went straight from her mother’s house to a house shared with her husband who remained her husband for 60 years.Until his death in January. And today, August 16 would have been their 60th wedding anniversary together. Cheers Austin.

She is now 86 years old and is loving her new found independence and wings. She loves waking up when she wants. Going to bed when she wants. Cooking whatever she wants and doing whatever she wants without having to worry about anyone else. She tells us this with a twinkle in her eye. Yet hanging on the wall is the calendar we sent her for 2013 ironically with January showing photos of the door where my husband first lived after he was born. A photo of him, his mother and his father standing in front of the door. A photo of just my husband’s parents and then a photo of all of us standing in front of the door. Ironical because my father-in-law died in January.

We took that photo while visiting England last year when my husband insisted we go to where his life began. He wanted to photograph his parents there rather prophetically I now know. I looked at the spot where my husband’s father always sat and could almost hear his voice. Feel his presence there with us. And as I was thinking this, I looked up and spotted a mirror my mother-in-law has in her beautiful garden and swore I saw the back of my father-in-law’s head in the mirror.

And then when I tried to focus, the image had vanished but not without me feeling his presence and knowing he was glad we had all come back. I then came back into the room fully present with everyone there. Looking from face to face at my husband’s family. At my mother-in-law holding court, the pride on her face with having her two sons at home with her. Her sister. Her grandchildren and felt first-hand how quickly life can change. How quickly we change. How easy it is for us to get too busy to give ourselves the time to do what we want when we want.

And I understood totally what my mother-in-law  is feeling. For much of her life, she has taken care of everyone else that she never had time for herself and now she is finally enjoying being herself at 86 years old. To me her whole persona feels younger, freer, less tense. Letting me know that we really need to allow ourselves to be who we are before it is too late. Before we can’t and before we regret not doing so.

Seeing my mother-in-law looking so free helped me to see just how much more alive we are when we are who we are and do what we are meant to do. Even though she still holds on to the memory of her husband by having his photo on her wall, she has surrendered that part of herself back to where it belongs. Let it go.

She feels good in knowing she did everything she could to make him comfortable in his last days. Stayed by his side until he took his last breath. Then asked the nurse to close his eyes and when they asked her if there was anything else she wanted them to do, she told them no. Grateful she had seen her husband through to his physical end. Grateful he did not suffer. Giving her the strength and dignity to walk out of the hospital a changed woman. A widow who had never known a life of her own. Allowing her to now fully embrace the women she has become. A woman determined to live out her last days as she wants - a life of her own.

I love to see that she is allowing herself to fully live as she wants for the time she has left here on earth. Without guilt, regret or fear. Just with gratitude for each day she opens her eyes and is still able to care for herself and herself alone. I looked at her with such admiration for she is a hero in her own right. Brave and determined to live out the rest of her days as she sees fit. And she deserves every bit of her new found freedom. Every single bit of it.  And for this lesson about living with gratitude from my mother-in-law I am truly grateful.

I lost my blog this morning in order to find my way again

The strangest thing happened to me this morning, I wrote a blog and really felt it resonated with me. Yet when I putting the finishing touches on my masterpiece, I lost the whole document. Don’t know how I managed to do that yet. And it did not auto save. I went back and searched and searched for my beautiful blog to no avail. It was just not there. Gone. Disappeared into the ether.  Leaving me astonished, shaken up, taken aback by the fact that I had lost my blog. Disappointed because I felt like it emanated from my inner core. My essence self. So how could it have disappeared?

I am a firm believer that we are always where we are meant to be. Always experiencing what we are meant to be experiencing even in our darkest moments. Particularly when we are in our darkest moments because it is then that the Universe is asking us to go really deep. To really stop and listen to what our inner cores is telling us. To push aside the ego as best we can so we can go deep within to listen to what our inner core is asking us to do. Not what our ego self wants us to do.

And as I was contemplating this I accepted the blog I had written though it was heartfelt, today was not the day to put it out it out there. The time was not right for it to be revealed yet and more importantly it was taken from me so I could see that it was not really meant for me to share at this present time.  And though I still felt a semblance of disappointment that my blog was gone, I know that what I am writing now is the lesson I am meant to be learning right now.

And the lesson that came through for me is when the time is right, all will fall into place as it is meant to do. Not when I demand it to nor when I try to direct it to but only when it is meant to as happened to me this morning. When I am being led down a path that does not feel right, I have to listen to my inner voice telling me it’s not right because if I don’t I will end up in the wilderness wondering how I got there. As was shown to me when my blog vanished into the ether and I was left in the dark wondering what I was meant to write about and what I was meant to do.

So I stopped and listened even more and what I heard was if I am honest with myself I know that the blog I had written left me feeling very angry and resentful about a situation and I was trying to cleverly send a message that was not meant to be sent.

And what I realize more than anything was I am the one who received the greatest lesson today and that lesson is when our intentions are not pure, we will never receive the outcome we are seeking because as Rumi says, “what you are seeking is seeking you.” In other words, whatever intentions I put out there will come to get me.  Forcing me to accept I attract that which I am. Ironically the centering thought for the Oprah, Deepak meditation I listened to just before I wrote my blog.

The Universe was forcing me to see whatever circumstances I find myself in, I created that situation by inviting it into my life by an action I took, a statement I made, the energy I projected. And the only way I can stop attracting it or feeling like I am beating my head up against the wall is to change the energy I project. Only then will I be able to attract that which I really want into my life.

And for losing my blog this morning allowing me to learn to follow the path I know intuitively I am meant to follow rather than what where my head is telling me to go, I am truly grateful.  Blessed to be able to write Take 2 of my blog and really feel it. Learning first hand, the law of attraction is alive and well. I lost my blog in order to find my way again. Namaste.

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet home. There is nothing like home. Yet we don’t realize it until we are away from it and then return.

We have been away from home for nearly three weeks and when we returned last night my whole being felt settled. Like it was centred again. Focused again.

The journey home was long and at times felt impossible but the Universe was on our side helping us to wait through the 4 hour delay in our flight departure then making the journey back as smooth as it could possibly be. Our children keeping themselves entertained while we waited and waited in the Gatwick lounge watching our departure time get pushed back further and further. With despair. Knowing there was nothing we could do but wait.

Each of us hoping and wishing that we would make it out of the airport that day and safely reach home. Though we each enjoyed our time away and each of us got something a little more out of our lives than before we left, each of us was craving our own routines. Our own lives. Our own familiarity. And to finally get it at about 11.30 last night was pure and unbounded joy.

When the flight landed and we got all of our bags, there was a taxi large enough to take all of our bags waiting just for us. As we drove along the Causeway, I exhaled deeply when I saw the quarter moon sitting in the otherwise dark sky almost as if I could touch it. Feeling like it was welcoming me, us back home. The sound of the tree frogs like a raucous welcoming band loud above everything else. A sound normally in the background suddenly in the forefront because we had not heard the sound for nearly three weeks. The feeling of the humidity moisturizing my skin. My hair immediately going limp as my daughter’s and son’s curled up. Feeling the familiar of home that I take for granted when I am here every single day filled me with such gratitude and wonder. Such awe at how life unfolds every single day with little to do with me. With us.

When we arrived at our house, our home, the heaviness of the bags suddenly seemed lighter as we pulled them one last time up the stairs and into our home, the smell of Bermuda letting us know we were back. Looking up at the sky and seeing the constellation of stars I am used to seeing at night making me feel grounded and safe and happy to be back home. Whispering thank you to the Universe for allowing us to safely return.

Leaving me to believe and think as Dorothy did when she clicked her heels, “There’s no place like home. No place like home.” And hearing the old clique, “Home is where the heart is.” And for now this is where my heart lies. Right here. Right now. With gratitude for the wonderful journey my family took to England. Gratitude for our growth and togetherness. Our bickering and spats. Our similarities and differences. And now for our home together. The place we have built together. Body. Mind and Spirit. For better or for worse. Home.

Magnificent bridges

Bridges are in my opinion one of the best inventions of mankind. They allow us to get to places much quicker than if they were not there. They allow us access to places we would never be able to get to if they were not there. Bridges span places connecting that which would not otherwise be connected and that’s why I love them. They invoke in me feelings of spanning space and time. Of how we are connected more than we realise. That bridges are just the physical manifestation of the spiritual connection we have all the time spiritually.

We spent our last night up north in the Hilton Gateshead and what an absolute treat it was for us. We had a priceless view of the bridges that span from the Gateshead side to the Newcastle side. Bridging the gap between the two cities in the Northeast and these bridges are magnificent. From the modern Millennium or Winking Eye Bridge to the High Level Bridge built in 1849. These bridges show the meteorite leap in technology and ability of mankind just in their design. But they also show though the design has changed from clunky to sleek their function is still the same. To connect places that would not otherwise be connected.

We sat and watched the day turn to night. The bridges from their daytime simplicity to their night time glory adorned with lights. We watched and I snapped pictures trying to capture the magic of the bridges and though I attach the photos for all to see, I was able to capture the true essence and wonder of these bridge spanning the River Tyne connecting Gateshead with Newcastle. Silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Reflecting against the murky river Tyne.

Watching the trains crossing in the background. Buses

and cars racing over the numerous bridges. People walking. Taking for granted the modern miracle they cross every single day. Not even thinking about what went into the bridges that allow them to get to destinations with ease they would not have been able to do so before.

Thinking as the Millennium Bridge changed colours of how much I love bridges both metaphorically and physically because I know without them there would be so much more that would be considered foreign than what truly is. Bridges allow us to get to places, meet people and experience different cultures we would not have if they did not exist. And that’s why I love them. Love the way they look and what they represent. For they are always bridging the gap between what is known and what is not until they all become so familiar we forget the bridge that brought us together.

Which brings me to my thought of the day which states, “Every bridge I cross brings me closer to a higher level of fulfilment.” And to my daughter’s now favourite expression taught to her by one of her school teachers when something is not what it is expected, “Build a bridge and get over it.” Looking at those magnificent bridges reminded me of all the trials I have endured. All the bridges I have had to cross to get to the other side and once I have I have felt much better about the place I am in and that’s why I believe bridges are some of the most magnificent inventions of mankind because they physically represent what we endure to get to where we are and who we are meant to be. 

Back together again

We are back together. The four of us after having been separated for two weeks. And it feels really good to all be back in the same place. Bickering. Arguing. Disagreeing but at the same time loving each other and grateful we are back together.

My husband and daughter went to pick our son up from his programme on Saturday morning while I got everything ready for us to check out of the townhouse we had rented. Readying us to go on the next leg of our journey to see the matriarch of my husband’s family. Readying for the last leg of our journey.

And before I knew it they were back. My son seeming taller than just the night before when we left him. Excitement shining from his eyes. Producing his report card and graduation certificate showing that he had graduated from a tough course at Oxford University. Wiser than when he left us. Telling us how much he realises he needs to buckle down and study more because he has seen just how clever the other children are from different parts of the world.

Telling us about how he has made friends with people from all over the world. His contact list now including people from Russia, India, Romania, China, America, Africa, Japan, Pakistan, Germany, to name a few. How he met one guy from Africa who was originally from Hong Kong who speaks 7 different languages. With his English being just as good as any English speaking person. Telling us he really needs to pay attention in his language classes because he realises what an advantage it is to speak more than one language.

Our son back with us grown from his experience. Debating now as to whether he wants to go to Boarding School. Something before he never wanted and neither did we but now he has tasted freedom. Tasted being on his own and realised it is not as bad as he thought. His sister protesting saying he can’t leave for boarding school. He has to stay with her. The two of them cuddling and staying very close to each other for the whole weekend. Arguing as usual but grateful nonetheless for being back together.

Sometimes seeing the baby in them both as they clung to each other. Sharing a very special brother sister bond that my husband and I love to see. Though they argue and fuss, they always have each other’s backs. My son telling his sister his deepest secrets. She him. The love and trust between them so special and we are so proud they share this bond.

The four of us back together. Different and changed but back together nonetheless. Taking our last leg of our journey together on the train up to Newcastle, England. Looking at my family and feeling so grateful for us. For our love. For our togetherness. For our differences and similarities. The dynamics that keep us together even on those times when each of us wants to go in a different direction. But what we know deep down inside, we will always be together because of the intimacy we share.  So grateful for my family and our love. 

A proud moment for us

Yesterday we attended the “Graduation Ceremony” for our son from his two week Oxford Royale summer programme at St. Peter’s College, Oxford University. It was a moment of reflection and pride for us all.

The programme director opened the ceremony by asking how many of the children knew at least two people at the beginning of the two week session. A couple of people raised their hands. Then he asked how many of the students knew at least two people at the end of the programme. Every student raised their hand. Some with tears in their eyes as they looked at their new friends. People they would not have met had they not had the opportunity to take part in the programme. I got a lump in my throat when my son raised his hand and he and some of his friends looked at each other. thinking about the paths intersecting for a short while then running parallel again as the students were preparing to go back to their every day existence.

Then the programme director asked the students by a show of hands how many were aged 13. A few raised their hands. Aged 14. My son’s age and there were several who raised their hands.  Aged 15. A few more raised theirs. It looked like the 14 and 15 years olds were evenly split. Then the director congratulated them on their bravery and fortune to have been away from home in a foreign country for two weeks. Advising them about the wonderful experience they had been afforded and the experience they took up and mastered. My heart swelling with pride as I realised just how much my son will have grown since we dropped him off two weeks ago. Curious to see if he ever washed his clothes! But knowing he had changed and would be forevermore changed from this experience. He has tasted independence and lived on his own without us for two weeks. What would he be like when we pick him up tomorrow. What will the four of us be like when we pick him up tomorrow I wondered.

Then the director asked a very enlightening question. He asked how many students spoke more than one language. More than 50% of the students raised their hands. A staggering statistic! Showing me just how global our world really is and just how many people are at least bilingual. Giving them an advantage over several of us because these people can communicate with a group of people I could not.

Then the director asked how many students did not speak English as a first language. About 50% of the students raised their hands. Another profound lesson. We think we have life hard with English being spoken so much more in the Western world while there were more than 50% of the students who had come to a foreign land and a foreign language between the ages of 13 and 15 and were able to complete a two week programme in English. That fact goes beyond bravery. It is remarkable what our children are capable of achieving. Amazing the experiences they have available to them with the power of the Internet and our world becoming more and more of a global village.

I felt privileged to be able to afford my son the opportunity to be in class with students from places like Russia, India, Pakistan, China, France, Africa and others. Students he has forged a lasting relationship with. Students whose paths could very well cross again in this increasingly connected world. Proud that he made it through the programme and enjoyed every minute of it.

The ceremony was poignant and sentimental because it reminded me of how interconnected we all are regardless of where we come from. And I am so grateful we were able to give our son this opportunity to see what the big wide world is like out there. We left the graduation with our son rushing off to spend the last night with his new friends. They were off to dinner at the Randolph Hotel and a huge Venetian theme party to celebrate the end of the programme and the beginning of the rest of their lives.

My husband, daughter and I walked away feeling so proud (how many times have I used this expression now), smiling at how much our son and brother had changed from the two weeks when we left him. Grateful for having witnessed such an enlightening and life changing experience for him and for us. Showing him and us just how much of a global village we truly live in. That no matter where we live or what we look like, ultimately we are all the same deep down inside. What an experience.