To the broken woman I do not know

There is a woman who I do not know

Who is broken

Who has been taken to the edge and beyond

Her heart shattered so much

She can scream no more

The pain so deep

Her voice has been taken

Silenced

Her son killed one week

Her husband the nest

My heart breaks for her

My insides feel her pain

As much as I can

No mother wants to bury her child

Ever

No matter the age

No matter how their lives turned out

The love between a mother and her children is unbreakable

Like the never ending circle

Joined from conception right through to death and beyond

This woman, who I do not know,

But share her pain with her

As if it was my own

Has been on my mind for the past few days

Since I read her story

Since I saw her face

Since I felt her pain

A pain so raw

A pain so honest

A pain so primal

So deep

Has touched a part of me

Because I do not comprehend the why of her pain

Knowing that there by the Grace of God go I

Her life could be mine

My life hers

Trying to understand the why

Thinking about no sooner had this woman said goodbye to her son

The Angel of Death visited her once again

This time to claim her husband

The other half of her life

Her heart

Her man who was helping to keep her strong

Helping her to heal from the loss of her son

But now he is gone too

Ripped away from her

Without mercy

It seems

There is a woman

A woman I do not know

Yet I do

Because her pain is a pain

That cuts through me like  a knife

A Universal pain

A Universal understanding

That grief spares no one

Grief comes and hangs onto our souls

Clouding out the sun

Burying us in doubt

Darkness

Questioning everything and everyone

Forcing us to ask why us

I know the pain of loss

But not to the extent of the woman I do not know

So I felt compelled to share her story

To write about her

To honour her

And her pain

So she will feel

Even if she does not know from where

The strength of womanhood

The power of sisterhood

The endurance of motherhood

Touching her soul

Helping her to know

She is not alone

Not abandoned by the Universe

Because there are those of us

Who hold her close to us

Willing her to heal

To come out of these double tragedies

Her prolonged and sudden darkness

Stronger

More understanding

More loved

Than she did before

To the woman I do not know

Whose pain is beyond anything she ever imagined

May she know the sisterhood

The womanhood

The motherhood

Are rooting for her

Sending her Universal strength

With love

With compassion

With peace

Feeding her through this time

So she will know she is not alone

Never alone

This post is dedicated to the woman I do not know who is stronger than she ever imagined because she has the Universe behind her, beside her, with her always. Amen

The rich tapestry of this journey called life

We are never the same from one day to the next. Some days we wake up with all the answers in the world. Feeling fully connected to the Universe. Understanding we are part of the One Source. Knowing in order to receive, we must give. In order to exhale we have to inhale. Fully aware of the abundance that is available to us all. Beautiful.

Then there are those other days when we wake up and no matter how light it is outside, we feel like we are fumbling around in the dark. Like there is nothing that ever goes right for us.  When we forget to inhale so we can’t exhale leaving us full of junk and debris. Causing us to embrace feelings of scarcity. Filling us with fear and loathing. Selfishness and ego. Because we falsely believe there is not enough for all of us and we have to hold on to everything we have without sharing. Without giving back. Ugliness.

Then there are the days in between where we operate in the twilight zone. Coasting. Not sure whether it is dark or light. Not sure whether we are awake or asleep. Just coasting. Barely breathing in and out. Or at least not noticing  whether we are breathing or not. Eyes slightly closed to all that is going on around us. Oblivious to everything until the day is done and we can’t even recall what we did that day.

What does this all mean? I believe all those days are necessary for my growth. In order for me to appreciate anything, I have to experience all aspects of it. Including the dark side. Including things and events and people I don’t understand or like. I am accepting that there will be all kinds of days and as long as I remember to breathe, I will get through all those days no matter what. Even when it is the most challenging day, person or event. Accepting they are my best teachers.

There was a quote I saw yesterday that said something along the lines of it is difficult to be grateful every single day. But on those days when it is the most difficult to be grateful, that’s when we really need to be grateful. On those days the Universe is challenging us to see no matter what kind of day we are experiencing, there is always something to be grateful for. Even on those days when we feel like the Universe is not shining down on us. When we allow ourselves to go into the silence the fact that we woke up in the morning, being given another day to reach our place of love and light, is enough to be grateful for. Being given another day to embrace the mystery that is us is enough to be grateful for.

Harnessing all our experiences and seeing that each one of them is helping us to become the person we asked to come here to become. Accepting we are never the same from one minute to the next. Let alone from one day to the next. Grateful that we aren't because if we were, how would we know when times are good or bad. Happy or sad. How would we know compassion, love or understanding if we remained the same and did not see life from the eyes of another.

Sometimes we have to travel to the other side of the mountain to see who we really are. To truly see ourselves looking back at us. Mirroring our deepest shadow selves and that’s why some days we wake up with all the answers. Other days we don’t even know what the question is; let alone the answer. And then there are the days in between. All a part of the rich tapestry of this journey we call life. And the mystery that is us. Namaste.

Learning to learn

I am learning to not think too hard about situations. To not over analyze anything. To accept I am always where I need to be. Doing exactly what I am meant to be doing. I am learning to let go. To surrender. Daily. Without questions. As best I can.

I am learning to not judge anyone until I have walked in her shoes because it is often true that the very judgments we make are the actions we take. Meaning that when we condemn someone for something, often we end up doing the same thing. Perhaps not in the exact manner but often very similar to whatever we criticized or judged that person for.

I am learning to not seek revenge. To not hate. To not glory in someone’s darkness or demise. Instead I am learning  to forgive because I am learning there is no need to seek an eye for an eye because karma has a way of rightsizing everything. Of evening things out so that we can each experience the emotions and feelings of the other. I am learning to be patient and nonjudgmental as a result which allows space in my heart to forgive.

I am learning to be grateful for whoever comes into my life. For whomever departs my life because I recognize each one represents a part of me necessary for me to see and learn either from their presence or their absence.

I am learning that life is all about learning. Continuously. That I do not know it all. Cannot know it all. Will not know it all. Because I am a human being with flaws and limitations just as my fellow human beings are. Prone to make mistakes but hopefully to learn from them.

I am learning that the saying love is patient, love is kind is what helps me to shift from the negative comments I allow to stick with me rather than the multitude of positive comments I receive. I am learning to accept compliments without rebuke because I am learning I am worthy of them. I am learning that when I accept the compliments bestowed upon me, I help to make the person who complimented me to feel like they are giving me a gift. Lifting us both up in the process.

I am learning that once I close myself off from learning then I will become stagnant and bitter and fearful. So I am opening myself up to the Universe to learn. To be used. To be of service so that I am the love, the light and the miracle I was sent here to be.  As best I can. As often as I can. Accepting sometimes I won’t be because that’s my lesson as well.

I am learning to embrace the ups and downs of life. The good days and the bad. The days when I set out with the best intentions and accomplish nothing. I am learning to accept all things that happen, happen for a reason.

I am learning to love. To let go. To surrender. To not judge. To listen to my inner voice and to be all that I can be in order to be of service. Because I am learning that above all else, all we need in this life and the hereafter is love. Love is the cure for everything because it is everything. Embodies the essence of who we are and what we are. Without love, there is nothing but contempt, emptiness and distrust. I am learning to embrace the concept of , "In the absence of love, there is only fear". I know this to be true. Because when I feel love in my heart, surrender to the love in my soul, and embrace the love in my mind, all fear, worry and angst disappears. And for learning to learn, I am truly grateful.

 Amen.

Reunited and it feels so good

I am so grateful my family is back together. My husband arrived home last night from a long and exhausting trip back from England. Emotionally tired but excited at the same time having spent quality time with his family. Sad because he had to leave his mother when she is most vulnerable but happy he is home with us.

My children asked to wait up for their papa last night. They wanted to see his face before they went to bed. Wanted him to tuck them in for the night. Just so they could know he was back. That all was well and we were back as a family. Reassuring them he was safe. We were safe.

My daughter was in her room reading when she came rushing through to say she could hear her papa pulling his luggage up the steps. She got to the front door before I could answer yelling, "Papa’s home". She opened the door for him, rushing into his arms. I let her have her moment with her papa before I came out to greet my husband.

His face was filled with joy as my daughter embraced him. My heart melted with the pure and unconditional love that was pouring out of her into him. Her eyes were closed and she was hugging her papa. He looked up as he heard me come and our love connected in the distance. We hugged and as we did, our son came out. My husband embracing him next. Of course our thirteen year old soon to be fourteen year old couldn't hug him as long as we could because of the awkward stage he is in right now but he was truly happy to see his papa as well. I could see it in his eyes. Our energy as a family was electric.

A new sense of love flowing through us all. A new sense of appreciation for the love and life we share with all the deaths and changes occurring around us. We stood as a family for a bit taking in all that we have. My husband looking from me to our daughter to our son. Noticing our children have grown in the seven days he was gone.

And then we went back to our normal routines. Tucking our children in. Going back to being a family connected physically together. Grateful for our family unit and the love we share. I wrote in my grateful journal last night that I was so grateful that my husband was home and I was so grateful that we have reached a new level of love and understanding now that he has experienced loss as I have many years before.

Teaching us to appreciate that love is not something to take for granted and neither is life. Illustrating for us that we must appreciate each moment we have because we never know whether this moment will be our last. Knowing we are raising our children to walk away from us so we have to appreciate the time we have with them.

Particularly after I asked my husband if he was sad to leave his mother and his response was, “Yes but I can’t stay with her forever. I left home a long time ago and I have new responsibilities now.” That struck a chord with me because soon our children will be leaving us and our family unit will physically change but if we nurture the love, appreciation and respect between us, we will always remain spiritually connected no matter where we are. Because love spans more than the physical. And so does family when nurtured and appreciated. Namaste.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life

Recently I had lunch with a friend I have been trying to have lunch with for a very long time. But schedules, interruptions, life got in the way more times than we could count until we had no choice but to connect. Though we had known each other before, we became fans of each other when I started writing a spiritual column for one of the local newspapers and she loved my articles. Calling me her inspiration. And then when I  started my blog, she found me again and we reconnected. Becoming fans of each other once again.

The connection is about to change again because she and her husband are embarking on a journey to live in a different part of the world. To discover what it is like to immerse themselves in a new culture. And the irony is their journey begins on February 22. My twenty first wedding anniversary. Showing just how interconnected we all truly are. Particularly those of like mind who are drawn together to encourage each other. Help each other along on this journey called life. Recognizing that sometimes one is up and the other is down. One is strong when the other is weak. But the roles  and dynamics are constantly changing. With the strengths  and weaknesses shifting. The ups and downs shifting. Allowing each one of us to feel the emotions. Experience the compassion.

When we finally met for lunch, it was like we had lunched all our lives every single day. We were like two giddy girls at times. Laughing like unbounded children. At other times we were serious exploring our life experiences. Sharing from a heart centered base. Uplifting each other. Validating each other.

As we were about to depart, she handed me a card. A beautiful card with an image representing to me the infinite paths we take. The continuum of life. The paths that separate only to intersect again . And at first I was embarrassed that she had been so thoughtful to sit and write out a card when she was the one who was leaving. I thought how could I sit before this woman without thinking of giving her something to part with. I didn’t know how to take the card because I realised I am so not used to receiving. I am the one who is always giving.

But then I read the card thanking me for being her inspiration and with the following quote by Melody Beattie,

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life

It turns what we have into enough and more

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.

It can turn a meal into a feast,

A house into a home

A stranger into a friend

Gratitude makes sense of our past,

Brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

I carried that card around in my bag for a few days keeping it close to me. Reading it again and again trying to come to terms with its meaning and my relationship with my new old friend who was about to depart . And then I realized she had come to me to remind me to be grateful for every person, every moment, every encounter because we never know when life will take us in different directions. When our paths will separate. To remind me to take nothing or no one for granted particularly those that mean the most to me because life changes so quickly.

To my friend who is one of the bravest and free living souls I know, may your new adventure take you on a journey of possibility. Looking forward to all the updates of where your life is taking you. I know our paths will intersect again as your venture is starting on the same day as a new year begins for my wedded journey. Love shared.

In gratitude for you inspiring me to write just by calling me your inspiration. For validating me when few others did. And for staying with me throughout without having to be in my physical space all the time. A relationship that is timeless, spaceless and infinite. I salute you my friend. In gratitude. Namaste

Don't put off anything, live

Yesterday morning I woke up marveling at the beauty and perfection of a Sunday morning. The sky was clear and blue. Birds were chirping. And there was silence. A wonderful and restful silence because the wind has finally stopped blowing a gale. It’s amazing how after gales we can hear the sound of silence that is present with us all the time as if it is for the first time.

I went out to my line to hang out clothes. To breathe in the fresh air. To fill my lungs with all the possibility that exists all the time. I looked out at the trees. The never ending horizon and I felt a sense of peace run through me. A sense of contentment. A sense of love.

As I was hanging my clothes out, I thought about how strange life can be. About how I woke up this morning with the promise of all that is before me when I remembered some friends very close to me probably woke up this morning and did not even see the sun. At least not in the same way I did. Tragedy has once again struck for friends I know. They woke up this morning reliving the bad dream that befell them yesterday when the daughter discovered her beloved father had died, the mother her beloved had died and the granddaughter her beloved grandfather had died. Just like that. Without warning. Without a chance to say goodbye.

This year has been a year full of unexpected deaths. Surprise endings. Full of sorrow, full of pain and it is only February. Not even two months into the New Year yet. What is going in I wondered as I hung each item on the line? Why is the joy being snuffed out of so many peoples’ lives so randomly? So unexpectedly. So quickly.

What are we being asked to do as a human race? What we are we being asked to see about ourselves? What are we being asked to remember?

I paused for a moment between hanging out the clothes and I listened to the sound of nature. The sound of perfection. The sound of the birds. The sound of silence and I saw there are beginnings and endings every single day. All around us. Nature replenishes itself all the time. Colors dying off for a particular season to give way to others so they may have their opportunity to shine.

I walked back into my laundry room after hanging out the clothes, put the basket on the floor and realize life is for the living. Tomorrow is promised to no one and that old cliché that says, don’t put of to tomorrow what could be done today, is so true. Remembering again and being reminded again by the Universe that the present moment is all we've got. All we will ever have and it is up to us to live our lives knowing there is no tomorrow. Just today. Just this present moment.

To my grieving friends, my heart goes out to you. And yes it feels like you are in a bad dream. A dream that for the present you feel you will never emerge from. And to be honest, you won’t come out of that bad dream state for quite some time. You will feel like you are operating in a twilight zone. Where you feel you have no right to experience joy when the joy you thought you had has been ripped away from you so suddenly, so unexpectedly, so randomly. But eventually that bad dream like state will diminish but not truly go away. As long as you treasure those moments you shared with your loved one. As long as you acknowledge you were loved and so was he. That all of you shared love, then all will be well in time.

Accept this present moment as your time to grieve. To remember. To treasure and always remember love does not die. It outlasts death. It remains like a painting in our brains. An imprint on our hearts. A figment of who we are and ever will be.  Always and forevermore.

Then I read a quote later in the day that said, “You will never fully live until you know you will die.” I would like to add, You will never fully live until you know you will die or have been touched by death. So let’s start living each and every single minute we have. With gratitude. With love and with abandon because this moment is all we've got.

With deepest sympathies to my friends, the spirit of your loved one remains because we are all connected to the One Source. We only separate as physical beings but never as spiritual being. The essence of who we are always remains. Namaste.

Circle of Life, Circle of Love, Circle of Family

Last night I fell deeply in love with my husband again. Not that I haven’t loved him all these years but he sent me a message from England telling me everything went well with his dad’s funeral and how pleased his mother was with the way things went. I could feel the love for his family with each word he sent but what put the icing on the cake for me was when he said he was going to take his mother out to lunch today. Out to a beautiful little old fashioned fish and chip shop called Colmans by the sea side. And it was this sentiment that brought tears to my eyes. That made me realize why I fell in love with my husband some twenty three years ago.

My husband and his mother have a wonderful and enduring relationship. Though he has spent many years, nearly thirty years away from her, with the majority of it being far across the Atlantic in Bermuda, their relationship, love and mutual respect spans that long distance. As if they are right next to each other. Distance not mattering. My husband calls his mother every single Sunday just to make sure she is okay. His father who died was on the receiving end of those calls as well.

My heart burst with love, with admiration and with pride to know I have a husband, a real man, who loves and cares so much for his mother that he wants to spend some quality time with her during their time of loss. To know he wants to get her out of the house. A house she has been confined to basically for the last three years because she was making sure her husband was okay. To take her to the seaside. To the lovely and old-fashioned restaurant that will help to rekindle memories of her youth for her. To spend quality time with his mother. Listening to her. Her listening to them. The two of them bonding as mother and son. No distractions. No one else but them. And I love my husband even more.

I think about my son. About him growing up rapidly before my eyes. About him trying to spread his wings. Testing the waters to see what his limitations and strengths are and I hope I am just as good a mother as my mother-in-law that my son will call me every Sunday once he leaves our home and will come to me in time of need. I hope I can raise a son who will want to return to me because he wants to not because he has to.

Learning from my mother-in-law that it is best to set the ground rules for our children. Remind them of their boundaries and then when it is time, let them go. But not before letting them know they are loved. And if need be, there is always a place for them when times are rough. That someone cares about them no matter what. Then when it is time for them to go, give them wings by not interfering but always be welcoming when they return. No expectations. Just pure love and understanding. If I remember this, hopefully my children will return to me when I need them with pure and open hearts filled with love, compassion and understanding. As my husband is doing with his mother.

Reminding me about the Circle of Life. How each us of is born as a babe incapable of taking care of ourselves. We become toddlers who learn to feed ourselves. Walk by ourselves. Talk by ourselves. Then we become children of the world full of dreams and possibility. Believing we can conquer the world. Until the world comes along and sometimes crushes those dreams. Particularly as we become teens trying to balance between childhood and adulthood. Wrestling with emotions and hormones. Before growing into adults who go out into the world either fulfilling our dreams or shattering them. Then for those of us fortunate enough we grow old and wise waiting for the time when we go back to the place we came from. With no regrets. No pain. No sorrow. Fully embracing there is a time and place for everything as long as we have known love.  The Circle of Life. The Circle of Love. The Circle of Family. Infinite. Enduring and lasting.

To my husband with appreciation, love and pride. Setting a wonderful example for our children about the enduring nature of love and the Circle of Life. Enjoy your mother, wonderful son.