An unexpected gift in the face of adversity

This week has been an  odd one for me. One full of surprises and different paths. Starting out with no Internet and looking like a solution today will be a stretch as well.
People I have not seen nor heard from in a while have popped back into my life. Invitations coming from the strangest places and from unexpected people.
My writing choppy because I am writing on a blackberry therefore I can't see what I am writing and the feel is different on my fingers. Sending different vibrations through my body. Releasing endorphins dissimilar to the ones that normally set me on a writing journey where I have no control over where I will end up. The last few days my writing coming from a place of desperation to prove I can still do it because I feel like something or someone is conspiring against me by cutting of my Internet.
Some of my responses to people have not been the same. Not coming from a place of peace for me but rather a place of defensiveness. Not developed but reactionary. Forcing me to think about my week and why I am being set on a completely different path to the one I thought I would be on. Realising with certainty that I am experiencing a different level of growth. A different perspective on life so I can see things objectively and from a place I do not feel comfortable.
I realised this week I have been forced out of all that is familiar to me so that I can see the everyday opportunities that are right in front of my face every single day but because I have been on a familiar path I have overlooked them. Dismissed them even believing they are not important to my development. Not instrumental in getting me to where I would like to be. Believing they can't be because they are ordinary not extraordinary. Understanding it is the ordinary often that leads to the extraordinary. Recognising that all too often,  we are so focussed on the end result we overlook the ordinary treasures that can unlock so much of what we need in our lives.
And what I am learning is that I am indeed very resourceful. Very tenacious and not afraid to fall on my face every once in a while and therefore I have to open myself to paths that are unfamiliar. To not be afraid when that path leads me where I did not expect to go. To let go of expectation. And to just do it because I will never know unless I try. I will never discover what feels right for me if I am unwilling to try on something I had dismissed before giving it a chance.
I am also learning that sometimes it takes time to understand our new direction. That we falter when we become impatient and veer of the path just when the tangled woods begin to clear. Just when the end is coming into view because we get tired of fighting the tangles.
This whole Internet debacle has been sent to me for a reason and has lasted for nearly a week for a reason. And it is to let me know that just because I can't access my everyday routines doesn't mean I can't start new routines. That I can't find solutions and alternatives to the problems I am having. That all I need to do is ask for guidance then surrender so I can hear and feel what needs to come next. And this morning when I woke up with thousands of thoughts bombarding my mind. Fear threatening to overpower me. Ego nearly winning. I decided to just surrender. To look out the window at the dark morning sky.
And there before me was an ordinary gift to behold. The dark morning sky was filled with an abundance of stars twinkling. Magic in the ordinary producing an extraordinary feeling for me. Filling me to the brim with abundance, possibility and love. Knowing I am a part of a universe that provides such splendour even in our darkest hour. Breathing in the abundance and bliss ever present in my life. Allowing the gratitude to spread throughout my being and allowing it to flow back out into the Universe to allow another to feel its flow. Exhaling as a smile erupted from a place deep within me.
Knowing and accepting I am definitely experiencing a turning point in my life and it is up to me to decide which way I am going to go - the road less travelled or the one travelled too often. Whichever I choose, the choice is mine and mine alone. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Amen.

Patience is truly a Virtue

My patience is really being tested this morning. I am now finding I am in some sort of cat and mouse game with the Internet. I am having to walk around the house to find pockets where I can get Internet access. My normal sanctuary for writing is off limits. No Internet access - not even on my blackberry.
For some reason we are being plunged into an information void. I feel like we are in a black hole with some sort of gravitational pull that is being thrust upon us for reasons I don't understand. We have had every techie reviewing our problem and everyone is stumped. Then to wake up this mornoing to find I am now getting spotty Internet service from my blackberry is really causing me to become paranoid.
What in the world is the Universe trying to tell me? I am standing in the dark in the corner of my Laundry room looking out at the dark morning sky trying to understand the lesson I am meant to get from this torture. Staring at Venus the lone light in the otherwise black sky and asking her for guidance. For the strength to not become too much of a cynic. To accept that sometimes I will not always understand where I'm going or why the truth is being hidden from me but as long as I have faith, patience and the ability to surrender the darkness will be replaced with the light.
And even if I have to keep moving around until I find a path that allows me access to the place I need, then at least I will know it is okay to move. To understand and accept it is okay to do what I need to get me closer to where I am meant to be because sometimes the answer is not black and white. Sometimes it's grey.
Just like I found a spot in my laundry that has given me a portal to the Internt, I am learning there is always a spot for us to find the portal to our innermost desires. And sometimes it's under the most trying circumstances because only then are we able to access waht we truly need because we are forced to think and operate outside of our comfort zones.
And for this trying lesson I am truly grateful. But I would still really like the Internet back now. Please.

Against all odds

A whole weekend without the Internet and the most bizarre thing is no one knows why we have been cut off. All the signals are there. By all accounts we  are signed on to the Internet but we just can't open any pages. it's like we can see the Internet and it can see us but we aren't speaking the same language so we can't communicate with each other. Very strange. So I have resorted to writing my blog on my blackberry because I need to write. to express my thoughts. to put them out there.
Writing is my bliss. My main portal to my soul. And this blog has become a vital part of me accessing that portal. Without it and my morning ritual I feel lost. So rather than feeling lost I have decided to use whatever means I can to tap into my innermost feelings. To fuel my desire to write.
And what is emerging for me is an invaluable lesson. Too often we find excuses for not achieving our dreams or goals. Too often we allo the obstacles in the way to deter us from accomplishing what we know we are capable of achieving. Too often we wait for the perfect time, the perfect conditions and the perfect place to do what we need to do. When what we ought to be doing is just doing it.
Just going for it. Forgetiing about the mistakes along he way which incidentally may be exactly what we need to find our true path. To see that it is okay to do what we have to do even when it is difficult to accomplish our dreams. When all seems impossible. Particularly when we are being challenged the most. It is those times that let us know we are nearing the Promised Land. It is those times that are seperated us from those that can and those that won't.
So here's to my first blog written from my blackberry. Mistakes and all but fulfillment of my desire to write. To express myself against all odds. Happy Monday everyone. Here's to the start of turning impossibility to Possibility with a capital P.

Taking time to heal

I am totally at a loss for words today. Apprehension. No morning therapy with my meditation via You Tube. I feel like I have been cut off from the world. No Internet access and no one can figure out why. Torture is what it feels like. Are we all that reliant on the Internet that when we can't get it we don't know what to do? Certainly seems that way to me. What was life like before the Internet? When we did not have instant access to everything? When life was much simpler? When we shut down because everything was shut down? But now that we are so used to having to information 24 hours a day have we become information junkies?
Couldn't write my blog until I got to a place where I could access Wi-Fi which happens to be at my hair salon. People all around. Busy atmosphere but finding my escape writing while under the hair dryer. Trying to figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me. Why I was not able to write, meditate and do my normal routines this morning.
Or was I supposed to stay in bed because I am not really feeling my best, Scratchy throat. Congested nose. Cold building in the back of my throat and my husband telling me my eyes don't look right today. Is that the message that I am supposed to get? To switch everything off and take some time to take care of me. To listen to my body telling me it's nearly running on E. To listen to my mind telling me to rest for a bit.
Is that why the Internet failed on me yesterday so I would go to bed early rather than worrying about what's happening outside my world. Telling me to focus on me. On my inner health and well being. To make sure I am giving myself some time to heal. To restore to my best.
I am really feeling sluggish today but feel like I have to post to at least feel like I have accomplished something today. But at the end of the day who will I be helping if I can't help myself. If I can't heal myself who will I be healing?
So I think I will finish getting my hair done then go back to bed. To rest my mind, body and soul. To listen to my inner spirit telling me I need some down time. To take heed of the downed Internet as a sign telling me it's time to shut everything off and give myself time to decompress. To do nothing.
So here's to my healing time. I am signing off for now and hopefully by Monday morning I will be back to myself.

In gratitude to an empty cart

Last evening I was leaving the office. Going down into the parking lot. Got off the elevator and stepped out to find an empty cart. A cart like a still life painting standing there on its own waiting for its story to be told. Its form to be illustrated. All sorts of emotions passed through me as I looked at that empty cart. The very cart I had seen full, just a few hours earlier, with the possessions, memories, collections of a woman who had been made redundant after having worked for 18 years at the same job. Remembering seeing the woman going back and forth packing up what was her life for 18 years. A life that was no longer hers and my heart broke.

I looked at that empty cart - a symbolic reminder of the fact that we come into this world with nothing and we leave the world the same way, with nothing.  No matter how much we accumulate. No matter how much time we have. We all begin and end the same way. Forcing me to question why we spend so much of our lives accumulating so much stuff only for it to be left behind when we go. When we move to the next dimension. When this life of accumulation means nothing.

I stood and thought about all the things the woman had been taking away from the life that was no longer hers and wondered what it felt like to be closing the door on 18 years of life and walking into the unknown. Looking at the empty cart and thinking about how her whole life has and will change. Wondering if she is fearful. Knowing she has to be fearful. Change always causes fear particularly when it comes when we are least expecting it to come.

Thinking of how that empty cart was the depiction of something that needed to be filled and would be filled once again with someone else’s treasures. Someone else’s new beginning in the same way it had been filled with the woman’s ending.  Like the revolving door. Endings and beginnings. Beginnings and Endings.

I inhaled and exhaled then finally found the will to walk away from the empty cart. Knowing I can’t change what has happened. That I have no control over anyone’s life. Knowing there is a period of grieving we all experience with change. Remembering there is a cycle to everything and that as long as we are present moment living, we will have the power and will to ride the cycles.

Thinking that empty cart was left there for a reason for me. To remind me that not so long ago I was in the same position as the woman. Reminding me that life can change in an instant but as long as I have faith, love, compassion, my own dreams and accept change as an opening for me to explore more about who I am and who I am not then I will be okay. As will she if she takes her time to understand why she is in the position she finds herself.

In gratitude to taking pause to understand the symbolic nature of that empty cart for me. For reminding me life is a revolving door. The empty cart will once again be filled in more ways than that woman thought possible.  I know because the same happened to me and will happen again in the future because life is a cycle of changes.

I am a child of the Divine

Soothing my soul. Curing my heart. Allowing my inner spirit space to expand. Awakening to the Divine. Closing out the darkness. Opening to the Light. Listening to soothing music. Craving the voice of angels. Indulging myself in quiet time. Getting up in the darkness to watch the morning stars. Looking out the window seeing them for the first time this morning since my return home on Monday. Feeling the joy and possibility from the Universe. Knowing I am a part of a part of a part of the whole. Knowing I am connected to everyone and everything. Knowing every action that I take or do not take has a ripple effect on the Universe. Seeing myself as a circle within a circle. Infinite.

Wondering why we have such dark thoughts or why we attract such dark energy when we are all a part of the whole. Is the darkness as much a part of us as the light? Are they one and the same? Why am I feeling so tested right now? Why am I being shown aspects of people I do not like?  Aspects that were hidden from me before are now becoming prominent features of people I thought were genuine. Of people I had ultimate trust only to now discover their ugliness. Am I being shown my own ugliness? Or am I being shown how not to be ugly? Am I being asked to explore who I really am?

So much deceit and betrayal. Uneasiness and apprehension. Intertwined with my desire to seek the more. To understand the whole. To journey to the places deep within my soul. To accept the music of my soul. To follow the voice within. To accept the prickles that stand on my neck when I am in the presence of something or someone not quite right as signs to beware. To tread cautiously at the moment so I am able to see all the signs that are being shown to me. To listen to my worries and apprehensions to understand and see the new path and direction that is being laid out for me.

To have grace, patience and love even in the face of adversity. To honour that I am in a new moon phase of my life just like that sliver of a moon that led me all the way home last night. That stayed with me for as long as it could in varying degrees struggling to remain even when clouds obscured it. Feeling her guidance and warmth.

Soothing my soul. Waking up this morning with gratitude. Changing my thoughts from dread to freedom. Looking out at the morning and seeing the sky full of stars. Full of love. Full of light even in the darkest night. Knowing there is hope as long as we have faith and believe. Accepting the sky full of stars this morning was my gift to see I must follow the path of my soul no matter what I do. With patience, gratitude, faith and love knowing I am a child of the Divine. Wherever I go there I am. Accepting there is no there when I get there as I am always here.

The challenge of present moment living

What happens when we try too hard? When we push too much? When we feel like time is running out? What happens when we lose patience? When we want everything now rather than waiting for it to materialize? When we do nothing to make it materialize because we are so afraid of failing?

How do we know when we are doing what we are meant to be doing? Or how do we do what we are meant to be doing when we have responsibilities that we can’t just walk away from? Or are we always doing what we are meant to be doing?

When are we ever satisfied? Lately I have been thinking about dreams and goals that I would like to achieve and what I realized is that I have been manifesting many dreams and aspirations in my life. Only to discover that once I achieve them or manifest them they don’t feel the way I thought they would. They don’t bring me the joy I thought they would. The feelings of euphoria don’t last in the way I thought they would. Why is that?

I am finding the journey is so much better than the destination. But yet in some of the cases I have been so busy trying to get to the destination that I have rushed through the journey or been impatient with the journey that when I reach the destination I am disappointed. Leaving me to ask, are we ever satisfied or are we always seeking more?

Questioning when is enough enough? Asking the Universe and the Divine to help me to be more settled. To be more present as lately I am finding my thoughts are all over the place. Not lingering on one thought for too long. But bombarded with all sorts of questions and feelings.  And then I feel overwhelmed so I don’t do anything which leaves me feeling disappointed. Leaving me feeling like I am standing on the opposite side of the street looking out over a beautiful green meadow and there on the other side is the Promised Land that I know is mine but for some reason I can’t get to it. Feeling like it is out of my reach because I am so busy trying to find every reason not to cross the meadow rather than just crossing it. One step at a time. Rather than just enjoying the beauty of the journey.

So this morning I decided to write about my frustrations, my concerns, my disappointments hoping that by doing so I can bring myself back to present moment living rather than worrying about time ahead of me that I have no control over. To remind myself my destination is reached simply by putting one foot in front of the other and going with the flow rather than running at full speed and not seeing the paths along the way that may take me to the Promised Land meant for me rather than the one I think is meant for me.

So today I will surrender and see where I end up rather than trying to end up before I even begin. Surrender to the present moment. Letting go of all expectation and worry and goals and dreams. Taking a page out of my children’ s book to enjoy every moment of my journey.  Present moment living is not as elusive as we believe. It is real. Present all the time. A gift of the Universe. And it is all that we have. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Amen.