An unexpected lesson from travelling

Travelled from Bermuda to London over the weekend. Before I left my husband was surprised I was leaving Saturday night. For some reason he thought I was leaving on Sunday night. When I talked to my son about it, helooked at me with wistful eyes and  said, "That's because no one wants you to go."
My heart breaks every time I think about what he said and the expression on his face when he said it. Genuine concern and love coming from his whole being stretching into mine.  An incredible feeling of intimacy in that one statement. In that one moment.
Fuelled because my son's statement was an unfiltered sentiment from his heart. And for a thirteen year old going through adolescence who doesn't like to show much emotion at the moment except attitude, I was deeply touched. I looked at him and said, " I know I wish I didn't have to go either but it's where I am right now so I have to go." Riddled with guilt the whole time I spoke to him and afterwards. Wondering how I ended up in a position where I have to leave my children. So far away from that protective mother I was when they were first born when I would not even leave them. Thinking about how life changes so much when we aren't looking.
When I boarded the airplane I prayed that I get home safely to my children, my husband, my family. Prayed that I do not abandon them as my mother did me. Prayed that me leaving them forever was not their destiny as it was mine. Prayed that their destiny was to have me in their lives at least until they become responsible adults. And then I fell into a dreamless sleep. Waking up with a jolt one hour before the flight was to land.
Landing at Gatwick on a brisk Sunday morning. Temperature 3 degrees Celcius which is how much in Fahrenheit I don't even know. But it was chilly. Boarding the train to go to London Bridge watching the morning scenery flashing quickly by. A different scenery to my scenery in the mornings. A different feeling all together. Thinking the scenery like my life is flashing by quickly before my eyes.
Feeling immense gratitude to the Universe for liftng my spirits when I was greeted by a beautiful clear blue sky. Unlike the rainy drizzly conditions normal to London. I smiled thinking I brought the beautiful weather with me once again. Marvelling at the cloud formations different from my own.  Clouds more like tendrils than puffy pillows. Some infused with red as the sun was rising behind them. Others white streaks. Airplane vapour trails snaking across the otherwise clear sky. Mist like smoke rising up out of the lakes and ponds casting a mysteriousness to the air. Like the mystery I felt in my bones about why life takes us on different paths than the ones we had planned.
Thinking about why I am on my way to another work week in a different place. Far from my children and family. Far from my normal routines. Yet grateful that I made it this far. Grateful for the ability to see and experience so many different experiences. Accepting I am where I am meant to be even if it includes feeling guilty for not being there for my family. Understanding it is a feeling I am meant to feel and not be ashamed of feeling. Learning to accept my life is where it is because of choices I have made and choice I continue to make. And if I want to alter anything it is always up to me.
To my beautiful and challenging thirteen year old son thanks for giving me pause to think about where I am and why. For helping me to remember life does change when I'm not looking so it's up to me to really start seeing life and living it rather than letting it see me and live me.

Witnessing a simple act of love

The other night I fell in love all over again with my husband on a very deep level. I fell in love with my family again. On a very spiritual level. I fell in love again by realizing something so profound.

Love may always be there but it ebbs and flows. Sometimes not as deep as other times. Sometimes not as pronounced as other times. Sometimes deeper than we ever imagined possible.

Love comes in many different forms. Surprising us from where it may come. My renewed sense of love came from a very simple act by my husband with our daughter. I was in the shower when I heard a laughter that was so pure, so unadulterated, so blissful that it ran through my whole being. Awakening something deep within me. Curious to understand what was causing that beautiful and free laugher, I rushed to finish my shower and opened the bedroom door. And there before me was a sight to behold. A feeling to embrace.

Before my eyes was pure and nonjudgmental love. My husband and daughter lying on the bed together. She snuggled in my husband’s arms. He reading to her. The love that was shared between them filled the whole room infusing everything including me. Filling me with the joy and abandon they felt. Tears stinging my eyes. The laughter emanating from them was coming from a place deep within their beings. Of total understanding and embracing of heart love.

I looked at them both. Lingering on my husband and realized just how great of a man I chose to be my husband, partner, and father of my children. I realized with deep love and understanding that though we may not see eye to eye on many occasions, he is a man of great compassion, love and steadfastness. He is the foundation for my daughter’s understanding of what love is and feels like.

My heart filled with pure joy when I realized my daughter was being shown the power of pure love. Unconditional love that asks for nothing in return from her but to love and to be loved. My soul swelling knowing she is being given a solid foundation of what love is and should feel like without expectation. Praying that she will go out into the world not seeking love to make her whole but to know she is whole and she is love onto herself. That no one or nothing but her inner light and love can make her feel fulfilled.

Seeing she is getting that foundation of love from the love of her father and my husband filled me up with love. So I said a silent prayer of gratitude to the Universe and to myself for helping me to realize the power of love and the power of choice from the simple act of love between my husband and daughter reading together, sharing a moment together. Bringing forth the laughter from the soul filled with love. Without expectation.

What a sight to behold. Love is truly a wonderful and uplifting feeling especially when it comes from the heart. Without expectation.  And to love, my husband, my daughter, my family, and pure laughter I am truly grateful. 

Meditation- the beautiful art of surrender

Meditation comes in many forms. It comes from listening to the sound of the wind.  The sound of the rain. The sound of the ocean gently crashing against the sand. It comes from watching a butterfly fluttering by. A bird in flight. The silence of the moment.

It comes when we surrender. Listening to the sound of the Divine. However that may sound to each of us as individuals. It comes from listening to beautiful music. Lilting voices. Repetitive voices. Chanting voices. Whichever voices resonate with each of us.

It comes when our eyes are closed and we surrender to all that is within. When we listen to the sound of our essence selves. When we hear the nothingness that is everything within us. When we embrace the eternal soul. When we reach the place of the connectedness.

It comes when our eyes are wide open taking in all that is. All that was and all that will ever be. It comes when we allow ourselves to be grateful for all that is created including us. It comes when we recognize we are a part of the Divine so we are all the Divine because we all make up this Universe we live in. This Universe we share.

It comes when we allow ourselves to be still and listen. Truly listen to our inner compass and allow ourselves to surrender to it. To allow it to direct us where we are meant to be.

Meditation takes us to the place where all the joy, freedom, love, light and possibility reside. Takes us there to allow us to see who we really are. Gives us the wings to soar. Gives us the ability to see that possibility exists for us.

Meditation has no true form. No set technique. It is a pathway to the well of overflowing light. To that place when we are able to let go of what we are to become who we are. Meditation is our access to the infinite allowing us to understand and see we are the infinite.

Allow yourself to be still. To listen with open heart. To see with open heart. To experience the purity of who we are. To experience the wonder of our creation and our existence. And when you do as I have you will realize we are all one. We are all the same. We are of the Divine. Connected in more ways than we can ever know and understand.

Meditation is the beautiful art of surrender. Of finding bliss. Of being bliss. Namaste.

A kingdom of joy

There exists within us all a kingdom of joy. A well of possibility. A light of love. An endless truth seeker who knows all will be well.

There is a spirit within us all that guides us through the darkness even when we think there will never be light again. There is a consciousness within us all that brings us back to the overflowing fountain of love even when we are surrounded by bitterness and hate.

There is a place within us all where the God spirit dwells – harkening , beckoning us back home. To see the light. To embrace the light. To rejoice in the fact that we are the light.

There is a uniqueness about us all yet a connectedness about us all that brings us back to that place of surrender. To the time when we accepted the words and feelings of the Divine. When we understood and embraced who and what we are. When we knew why we came here. When we did not resist. When we just let it be.

There is a well within us all of goodness and light even when we are ridden with darkness and spite. There is always the duality of who we are because we are human. But when we remember to give ourselves time to go within, to touch that place where there is constant harmony. Where the flame of eternal love, light and being exists, we understand wherever we find ourselves is where the lesson or reward will teach us about who we are.

When I reach that place from time to time in my journey of life and love, the peace and surrender I feel from the warmth of its embrace reminds me I am all I am because of the duality of my existence. I embrace the knowing that I will face trial after trial until I am at one and at peace with my story. When I can embrace myself totally, wholly and without fear.

When I reach this place I know and understand the meaning of Nirvana and I am grateful for having the ability to know it exists. To allow myself a glimpse into all that is, was and will ever be. And then I exhale and keep moving storing its memory deep within that place that exists within us all. That place of all knowing. That place where all that is resides and breathes. That place of our essence selves.  That place of surrender, love, light and acceptance. Surrender. Amen.

Beauty is because beauty is

Beauty is that which sits on our shoulder asking us to see her. Beauty is that which taps us on our shoulder asking us to see him. Beauty is that which strokes our shoulder asking us to see it for what it is.

Beauty is that which we see when we take off the veils. When we surrender to the wonders of our creation. Beauty is creation. It is what it is in the eyes of the beholder. Some people see beauty in other people’s ugly. Some people see beauty in everything and everyone they encounter. Because they understand beauty is an inner thing- radiating from inside out.

Beauty is not skin deep. Beauty is beyond the skin. Beyond the concept of the physical. Beauty is all encompassing. It comes with its own song. Its own rhythm. Its own smell. Taste and feel. It comes when our hearts are open. When our minds are clean. When our spirits are allowed to soar.  Beauty comes because it is always there waiting for us to surrender to it. To acknowledge and embrace it.

Beauty is where we are in our lives.  How we view things. How we view ourselves. Beauty is to be enjoyed. Rejoiced. Embraced. It helps to lift our souls when we call its name. Beauty is freeing. Opening. Inviting.

Beauty is waking up in the morning with another breath of life.

Beauty is the monarch butterfly fluttering gently by.

Beauty is in the eye of the storm – swirling within the storm.

Beauty is the calm within the chaos.

Beauty is the beginning of the month with a large full moon. Lighting the way for us even in the darkest night.

Beauty is the tiny rose blossoming out of a stem full of thorns.

Beauty is the birth of a child. The perpetuation of life.

Beauty is love and love is beauty.

Beauty is eternal. Never fading. Never waning because it is much deeper than the eye can see.

What is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to anyone else but it is beautiful nonetheless because I believe so. Beauty reminds us to be beautiful through and through because it is nothing like the feeling of beauty to help us to soar. Beauty is much more than the physical. It is the essence of the spirit embraced and accepted.

Beauty is because beauty is. 

Because I love I am

I love when I stop searching and I just find. When I stop seeking and I am found. When I stop questioning and I am answered. When I forgive and I am forgiven.  When I exhale not realizing how long I had been holding my breath. I love when I just go and find I am exactly where I need to be.

I love when I love because then I am loved right back. I love when I believe because then others believe in me. I love when I am compassionate because then compassion comes back to me. I love when I stop waiting and hoping and just surrender and what I have been waiting and hoping for shows up in better ways than I ever imagined.

I love when I give without realizing I have and I am given right back. I love when I stop expecting only to be given gifts I never dreamed possible.

I love when I close my eyes and see more than I can when my eyes are wide open. I love when I stop talking and hear all that I am meant to hear. I love when I relinquish control only to find I always had it particularly when I don’t force it.

I love when I love and love grows beyond the realm of my knowing of love. When it surrounds me like a warm and snugly blanket. When it reveals all that there is, was and ever will be and I get it fully and totally. Without question. Without fear.

Because then I realize I am love. I am forgiveness. I am lost. I am found. I am peace. I am war. I am waiting and the waited. I am all the experiences I bring into my life and into the lives of those who invite me in. I am all of these things to understand who I am and who I am not. To understand I am he is she is it is all because I am.

Receiving a powerful blessing of all knowing

I realized I've been manifesting many things without realizing I have. A revelation that has shaken me up. Leaving me puzzled about why I am manifesting some things. But the one prize I have desired for quite some time has been eluding me. Toying with me. Taunting me.  Leaving me questioning why.  Is it because I truly do not believe I am worthy of the prize? Is it because I am in the midst of learning more, teaching more, seeking more in order to be in the frame of mind to allow me to accept that prize? Without question. Without guilt.

I have had a wonderful weekend of total surrender. A weekend where I allowed myself to just be. To stare at the moon as I did last night in gratitude and awe of its beauty. Watching clouds obscure it then pass on by. Watching its light flicker. Watching it shining majestically from its perch in the sky. Filled with wonder and love with this beautiful place we call our world, our universe.

I surrendered to being in the moment every single moment of the day. Spent the day on Saturday chatting with a friend of mine about the fears I am facing – about seeing my life flash before my eyes. Reaching an epiphany with her I had not fully recognized until I spoke the words to her.  Acknowledging to her and to myself that my life seemed to alter in a way  I still don’t understand when I watched my dad snake down the hill to the hospital to see my mother. Only for him to return to let us know she had gone forever from our lives. My life. Never to return.

Is that the point in my life when I began this process of self sabotage? Of believing  I was unworthy because if I was worthy enough, my mother would never have been taken from me. Of  believing if I was too successful , somehow I would have to pay for that success as I paid when my mother was snatched from me overnight? Is this why I keep dancing around my prize because I’m afraid of what can happen? Of what and whom I will invite in?

I looked at the beautiful full moon last night. Staring at it for a long time.  Declaring to the Universe I am ready now – ready to give and receive that which is rightfully mine. Ready to embrace the fact that I am the miracle I was sent here to be. That I am love and light, peace and forgiveness, worthy of all the gifts to be bestowed upon me. With gratitude and abandon. Without question. I am ready.

Watching the light of the moon getting brighter with each declaration. Less clouds covering its face. Allowing me to fully see its light. The universal and unforsaken light of all that is. Filling me with wonder and awe and possibility. Filling me with gratitude and love and light. Filling me with the life force I sometimes take for granted. Filling me up in ways I cannot even begin to describe. Letting me know it is time for me to embrace and acknowledge I am ready. And I am. Ready.

 And for receiving this powerful blessing of all knowing, I am truly and honestly grateful. Amen.