My daughter reminding me not to take the everyday for granted

This morning I hugged my nine year old daughter tight to me. Realising for the first time just how much she has grown. Taking notice of the fact that she is growing up so fast and right in front of my face. Because I see her every day, I take so much of her growth for granted.

But this morning was different. She was leaving to go on her Brownie Pack Holiday for 3 days on one of the Islands. So the hug was extra heartfelt and special. My awareness of her was heightened because I wanted to take her in – all of her. Knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her every day for the next 3 days. Knowing she is slowly but surely walking away from me to her own independent life.

And this time when I hugged her I realised I was not reaching down anymore to hug her. That I was standing almost erect hugging her. Her head slightly protruding above my underarm. I stood back and looked at her. Her legs have grown longer. Her body starting to mature and realised my baby is becoming a young lady right before my eyes. I have always thought of her as petite. Shorter than most everyone else in her class and for that reason I overlooked her growth. Thinking she is going to be small forever. Forgetting that though she may be small compared to others, she is growing in her own right. Realising it won’t be long before her bags are packed and she will be walking out of my home into her own.

When we got to the dock, she jumped out of the car. Resisting my attempts to help her with her bag (which was one of the largest ones there) because she said she had to get used to pulling it herself. Her Brownie leader had told them they have to be responsible for carrying their own bags. I watched her walking away from me before I even finished parking the car. Head high. Determined shoulders. Confidence in her stride and a tear came to my eye. Knowing she is going to be okay. Knowing she can hold her own.

As she and her friends boarded the boat, she called for us – her family – my husband, her brother and me- so that we could hug her before she boarded. Seeing my little baby in her face again. In her desire to be hugged. Feeling warm that she still wants to be hugged. As she boarded, she kept waving to us. Calling out to us. Tears in her eyes. Trying her best not to let them spill. Trying not to look like a dork to her friends. But calling out to us constantly so we could wave to her. Waving frantically as the boat pulled away from the dock along with my heart as I followed the boat until I could see it no more. Remembering and treasuring the look of innocence on my baby’s face. The image of her biting her bottom lip. Her beautiful face turned up to us like a pixie.

Whispering to the Universe, Be safe. Asking it to keep my baby girl safe as she went off on her 3 day camp. Not sure if I was shaking due to the  unusually cool weather for this time of the year  or the worry I felt letting my daughter go off on her adventure. Shaking it off, smiling, and blinking back the tears, I walked away from the dock with my remaining family wishing my daughter well. Willing her to be safe.

Reminding me not to take the everyday of my children, of my husband, of my life for granted because it is who we are and what we are. And our everyday is changing constantly. Subtly enough that we don't even notice. But changing it is.

Life really is like a game of cards

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” Jawaharlal Nehru

I always thought free will was doing what we liked when we liked. I never thought of it as a means for changing the hand we have been dealt in life. I thought freewill came when we had everything we wanted. Could do anything we wanted. I thought freedom was a prize at the end. I never believed it was a journey the whole way through life. This quote made me realise otherwise. We are always free. Always in a position to change our direction. We are always free to choose the the hand we are dealt and the way we play our hand.

And now I realise choices are synonymous with freewill. In order to play this game called life in the way we want, we have to accept we have the freewill to do so. Though this sounds good on paper, I wasn’t sure about its meaning in practicality. I questioned that we may have free will but what about the responsibilities that come with the hand we have been dealt? What about people that rely on us? How do they factor into free will? And who determines the hand we get? Is it us or is it something larger than we are?

I had to contemplate these questions for quite some time. Mulling this way and that. Thinking about those times when I got the worst hand in cards. Thinking about the times when I threw my hand in because there was no way I could win. And remembering feeling a huge sense of defeat. Thinking about other times when knowing I could not win but I stayed in and played and got great satisfaction -  laughing at myself for not thinking differently. Or the times when I got the best hand and breezed through the game.

Life is like that, we are given exactly what we ask for. The hand we are dealt is as a result of the messages we send out to the Universe. It is the answer to our prayers.  So in answer to some of my questions, I realised quite simply that the responsibilities come from the way we played the game and what we asked for – we chose to become parents. Now we have to face the consequences of the responsibilities that come with it. We chose to get married. So we have to face the responsibility of being a couple. We chose the careers we are. So we either stick with them or change them.

Where we are today, at this very moment, is because of what we asked for and the way we played the game of life. No one else made us choose which way to play. Only we could do that. Yes, sometimes we believe the hand we have been given is stacked against it. But it hasn’t. It is exactly what we asked for. If we send mixed messages to the Universe, that’s what we get in return.

So really it is up to us to accept that determinism does not define the outcome. It helps to set us on course to become the best people we can be. But the journey, the way we play the games, the power of free will are all ours. We just have to be brave enough, strong enough, and innovative enough to play the game knowing at any time we can alter our course by learning the lessons we asked for in the first place. Knowing we must frame what we ask for because we will get it.

Knowing deep within that freewill is not the destination, not the outcome. Rather accepting that freewill is the journey of the hand of cards we asked for. Knowing life really is like a game of cards.

Only when we are ready to receive

Yesterday I was walking past one of the large windows at work when something compelled me to stop and look outside. So I did. And the beauty that greeted me was almost indescribable.

The humidity is unusually low for this time of the year. And when it is low all the colours look so crisp and vibrant. So the greens are much greener than usual. The blues more hypnotic. Outside of the window was like an oasis – what one would dream of if they were stuck in a desert. In front of me in a circular garden were several palm trees looking lush beyond the imagination. But they were real. They were in the middle of green grass that looked like it was painted. But it hadn’t. It was real.

Beyond that was the turquoise ocean gently flowing in the harbour. Boats, yachts bobbing up and down in an azure dream. Like a scene out of a romantic novel. Looking up at the perfect sky with a few clouds floating by, I was captivated. Thinking I walk past that window most every day and wondering why I had never stopped to look outside. Never even noticed the beauty that is there for me whenever I need it – of course it helps to see it on a perfect day such as yesterday.

And then I knew I was being sent a reminder from the Universe – a reminder to stop and look at what is right in front of my face- free and accessible to lift my spirits whenever I need a lift. A reminder to not always have my mind focused on what is so far beyond me that I forget to see what is right in front of me.

I stood at the window for a few minutes more. Not worrying about what others would think about me standing there -  taking it all in. Not rushing myself away. Enjoying the feeling that was taking over me. Feeling my breath slowing down. Feeling the tension oozing out of me. Feeling lighter and full of peace, love, light and abundance. Recognising even when we are locked away in office settings, the outside is always there when we are ready for its gifts and abundance. It’s just beyond the windows and doors – always ready to give. But only when we are ready to receive.

A Journey just begun

“Well friends ,this is probably the hardest thing that I have had to post. as is it here in my Hospital room waiting to go home. The doctor has told me that I probably have six months to live. While I hope I have more time you never know. Thank you for all of your continued support.”

This was a message I came home to from a woman I met by chance in May of 2010. She and I were two of the top ten fundraisers for the O Live your Best Life walk through New York. Earning us the right to walk side by side with Oprah on a very chilly Mother’s Day. Treated like VIPs for a short time in the morning until it was time to start the walk.

We stood on stage with Ms. Oprah – all of us giddy with excitement at the opportunity to share the stage with our role model. We left the stage behind Oprah as she started the walk. And then there was a stampede of people as we tried to assume our positions. Chaos ensued and Oprah, for her own safety, was whisked out of the walk to avoid being crushed by the overexcited walkers.

At first I walked alone. Wondering how I had come so close to my dream yet so far away from it. Feeling somewhat sorry for myself. Knowing my chances of being in the presence of Oprah had been dashed. I walked on thinking, grumbling until I encountered a woman that I recognised as one of my fellow top ten fundraisers. She looked like she needed company. So I slowed down to her pace. Chatting with her. Encouraging her. We stayed with each other getting to know each other. Arm in arm sometimes as she told me of her courageous journey to raise as much money as she could because she had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. She was in remission at the time. Saying it was her dream to walk with Oprah. My heart went out to her because here I was feeling sorry for myself when this woman had fought cancer and had made it her mission to come to walk with Oprah. Realizing my upset was nothing compared to hers. Feeling shame flowing through me as I looked at my new friend.

I knew instantly she had been sent to me as an angel to wake me up to all I had to be grateful for. I looked her deep in the eyes and saw a light deep within them. A sparkle. So I stayed with her. Walked with her. Talked about life with her. Giving up on being at the front of the crowd walking across the finish line. Accepting this woman’s side was where I was meant to be.

Taking in her spirit. Her determination. We forged a friendship despite the fact we were from different worlds. Two women thrust together in a shared dream of meeting Oprah. Our friendship, though distant, has remained through the power of Facebook. Me in Bermuda. She in Texas. Like two sisters encouraging each other through our trials. Sneaking into each other’s lives whenever necessary. Checking in with each other when the need is there.

And then I came home and saw this post from her and chills ran through me. Tears stinging my eyes as I thought about my sister.  Thinking wow, even with her end looming she is still reaching out. Still fighting. Still informing. Still being the beautiful and strong woman I met two years ago. Not by chance but by life’s synchronicity.

I felt sad because I wondered what she was thinking. How she was truly feeling. How she felt posting that she was facing the end of her human days and could be about to pass through the doors of eternity. A place we are all guaranteed to go. A place none of us will escape.

The difference being she now has somewhat of an end date – could be more or less. How does that make one feel? What are we meant to do knowing the end is near? Do we look back or forward or is it at that time that we realise and understand now is all we have and we truly accept its meaning for what it is.

I had to write this post to my dear friend because she is my inspiration and my reminder that we all have to live our best lives because it’s all we’ve got. And the irony is that’s how I met my friend. Two women who started a campaign as strangers in different parts of the world ending a walk as lifelong friends despite our differences and distance. True friendship remains even when there is nothing more to say. True friendship endures. Because there are no expectations.

To my beautiful friend in Texas may you live your best life ever from now on. I’ll be rooting for you. With love. With gratitude. With sadness and happiness. With faith. And without regret. It is what it is. Your journey has just begun.

The power of self

Yesterday I was interviewed by someone who is doing research for her PhD. She asked me what was my career path. To which I responded I have never set goals for myself. Instead I have always just lived day by day. Not projecting too far into the future. Not worrying about what had happened in my past.

I told her perhaps it’s because my mother died suddenly and so young that I realised at a young age that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. That the only moment we have is the moment we are living in. That often people focus too much on the destination that they forget to enjoy the journey along the way. They don’t see what’s right in front of their faces because they are looking for the ultimate prize – their goals. I have seen far too many people set the lives around timeframes. Goals. Destinations. And then when they reach those targeted dates and they have not achieved what they wanted to achieve, they become disenfranchised. Disappointed. So much so they convince themselves they are failures.

I have always tried to live my life by being the best I can be and as a result I have ended up in positions and places I never dreamed possible. Sometimes laughing at the woman I have become from that frightened girl who had no one.

And then last night I saw a quote that helped me to understand that as I near fifty, I need not panic or worry about how much time I have left. I need not worry that I should be planning for my future. I need not change the way I view life because, “The Warrior Spirit stands to gain far more than just realising his deepest goals, He knows power is hidden in personal growth.”

Since the day of my mother’s death, through my dark teenage years, through university and its trials, through career moves and to the present moment, I told the interviewer yesterday, I am constantly learning. Constantly seeing the lessons in every tumble I take. In every success I achieve. I am constantly reminded that I do not know it all. That I am human. Not a machine. Therefore I am flawed and have to acknowledge my flaws from time to time. Forgive myself for them and forgive others for expecting me to be perfect so I can learn lessons from those flaws and move on.

I understood last night that the Warrior Spirit is deep within me. Deep within us all.  Reminding me to not focus too much on the destination (goals) but instead free my mind to attain the power of self. Only then will I gain the wings to fly.

Nothing but love

Last evening I was feeling so full of love that everywhere I looked I saw and felt love. Until I almost sabotaged it.

My children had gone off for the afternoon leaving my husband and me alone to have some quality time together. Every couple with children needs some alone time together. Time to reconnect. Relax with each other. Plan. And just be in each other’s presence. Appreciating each other for what each brings to the marriage.

We sat out on our porch talking about life. About some of the challenges we are facing as a couple. As parents. Trying to navigate our way through the haze that sometimes confronts us. But it was without tension or upset this time because we both came into the discussion from a place of love. Neither one of us trying to prove anything to the other or ourselves. Just discussing and being.

Against the backdrop of trees bursting with summer. Cherry trees full of cherries – more cherries than I have seen since we moved into our house 6 years ago. In places I didn’t even know there were cherry trees. Greenery everywhere. Low humidity and a gentle breeze. Clear skies and quiet. Peace. The first day of June without any rain. Celebrating our union. Our togetherness.  Our love. Accepting it comes in waves. Sometimes good. Other times not. But love all the same if we ride the waves. On the crest of a good one yesterday.

Appreciating all the work my husband has done to bring our home to the standard it is today from where it was when we bought it. Appreciating taking the time to sit. Not feeling the need to run around. Putting aside some of our responsibilities so we could take the time to chat and look at each other, really look at each other,  without the interference of children and their demands or the outside world and its demands.

We sat drinking a glass of wine. Eating some nibbles. Basking in the sunshine. The comfort of our home. Just the two of us. And it was heaven sent from above.  Just what we needed on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

And then poof. In an instant I almost sabotaged our beautiful Sunday together when the children came home. The house became noisier. Lunch boxes had to be prepared for school. Gym bags packed. Preparations for the next day taking precedence over the moment my husband and I had shared. I felt the weight of my responsibility to my family start to creep back in. Pulling me into the darkness. As I began to project into tomorrow rather than remaining in the moment.

Anxiety came rushing in. Happy for the opening I gave it. Anger started to creep in. Quickly and delighting in its ability to replace my joy. Snapping out of it only when my son said, “Mommy why are you so mad at me?”

Realising I was not mad at him or my husband but I was mad because I had allowed myself to retreat to the dark side embracing all that is dark rather than appreciating all the love I had shared that day and the love that was surrounding me at that moment. I looked into my son’s eyes and my husband’s who stood waiting for my answer and I felt the weight of my sorrow seep out of me. Allowing the light and love back in. I inhaled it deeply letting go of tomorrow. Letting go of the fretting. Telling my son I was not angry with him. Telling him I love him. And feeling it.

I woke up this morning still feeling that love. Lying in bed reminiscing about yesterday. Whispering positive affirmations to myself as I got out of bed feeling like love. Like pink. Telling myself  I will try to carry that love with me as I leave my husband and my children to go to work. Feeling that love surrounding me taking me to a place of peace, serenity and contentment. Basking me in the colour pink enabling me to project love to whomever comes into my space. Treasuring the love I felt for my husband on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Feeling gratitude about the love of my family last night. Waking up with it this morning.

Remembering that love feeling when I feel the Monday morning blues try to creep in. Remembering there is nothing but love. So why not embrace it? Surrender to it. Love love.

Finding my joy

What brings me the most joy?

My Florida sisters had this question on their website a while back and it has been haunting me ever since. The question coming and going in my mind. Whirling. Twirling. Upside down. Inside out. But there nonetheless.

Forcing me to ask, if I had all the money in the world and could choose to do anything I wanted what would bring me the most joy.

Number one would be being at home with my family.

Knowing my children’s educational expenses were secure and they could have the choice of universities they wanted to attend

Knowing my husband was content with himself

Knowing I am content with myself

Knowing my family unit is content with each other

Writing from sun up to sun down and then some  more in between

Spreading my joy and abundance to those who least expect it but need it

Spreading my love and light to those who are facing their darkest hour

Letting them know that we all face our deepest darkest demons when we are in a process of immense growth. When we are being given the opportunity to really see the face in the mirror. When we have to define who we are and who we are not.

Being able to walk in nature whenever I want to without feeling confined to do what someone else wants me to do

Remembering joy comes from a place deep within us and can be sourced at all time. Remembering it is joy that attracts more joy into our lives. Living outside of joy is what repels our dreams from us because we are not allowing ourselves to be open

Feeling joy from deep within our souls allows us to open our hearts to the everyday abundance and joy in our lives.

So now I know that even if I don’t have to have all the money in the world to source my joy, it is up to me everyday to bring it to the forefront so that I can experience the joy that is ever present through the simple acts of breathing, of waking up, of confronting my darkest shadow self. Of growing more. Of learning more. Of exploring more.

Joy is in everything we do. It just depends on whether we look at the glass as half empty or half full.

Every experience whether good or bad is there to bring us joy because it is helping us to understand we can shift our consciousness every single time to either look at the experience as an opportunity or a trial. Whether we will paint ourselves as a victim or victor. Whether we can overcome or succumb. Whether we can embrace joy or reject it. If we choose the positive side of the experience we will feel joy like no other because of what we have overcome.

So what brings me joy? Joy itself and my ability to look at it and see it for what it is. All encompassing, inspiring and infinite.

May you find your joy today without searching but by just being.

Joy to the world today and to you and to me.