Paranoia interrupts my sleep

Last night I decided to go to bed early because I wanted to try to make up for the hour I have lost. My body is exhausted and I felt like I needed some catch up rest time. So by 10.30 I was fast asleep only to be woken at 3am by my motion light going off (as it sometimes does when the wind hits it). But because of my intruder last week, I was suspicious. So I got out of bed. Looked out the window. Saw nothing. Walked to the other side of the house to see if those motion lights were on. And they weren’t to my relief. I went back to bed.

But with every little sound I heard, my eyes flew open. This went on for quite some time with me thinking there was someone trying to get in again. At one point I thought I heard a thud on the ground, my whole body tensed. Hot flashes rushed through me. Then I thought I saw a light flashing on like someone had a flashlight. I almost stopped breathing then. Worrying if someone was in the house they would get to my son first. Grateful that my daughter was right beside me. Wondering what I should do. Wake up my husband or just wait. I waited.

Realising I was being a little paranoid; I said a silent prayer asking for protection from intruders for me, my family and my home. I could feel the paranoia seeping out of my body after I repeated the prayer. I felt my body relax. My mind stopped racing and the hot flashes ceased. I looked at the clock and it was 4.33. I was angry then because it was almost time for me to wake up and I had just wasted the last hour and a half working myself up into a frenzy over nothing.

I closed my eyes finally and went to sleep. Overslept. Got up at 5.55 feeling groggier than before. Knowing I have to release my fears about my intruder. I cannot give him power over me. I must surrender to the background paranoia I am feeling. The vulnerability that is attacking me and change my mindset because if I don’t I will attract him back into my life.

That’s why I chose to write about my experience last night, to bring it to the forefront so I can acknowledge how I am feeling and release it to the Universe so I can go back to being able to sleep again. Interestingly my quote for today is “I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through.” This will be my mantra to remind me I am safe as long as I believe I am and so is my family as long as I believe they are. 

Beauty just is

Take a look at the wild Bougainvillea bush I photographed this weekend while my daughter was horse riding. I couldn't help but feel giddy from the sheer natural beauty of the bush pulling me in asking me to photograph it. Reminding me its beauty is not created, but there for all to enjoy and take in.

After taking this photograph, I read this quote, "Beauty is not caused. It just is." Emily Dickinson

This statement is simple yet beautiful. Profound yet true. Not fancy but enough. Sometimes it’s in the simplicity that complexity is best understood.

 How often do we try to define beauty only to find it is not enough? This quote reminded me that beauty is not of us, it is us. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is often a reflection of what we are feeling inside. Look at the dew on this rose waking up in the morning. Pure and free. Beauty undefined yet there. It just is.

 I walked amongst the freesias in my garden and inhaled their scent feeling like a little girl again. Like I could spread my wings and fly. Expecting little flower fairies to fly up out of the freesias. I'm sharing them with you today hopefully you will feel their magic just by seeing them. 

Drink in these beautiful photos and think of the natural beauty that surrounds us every single day. Inhale deeply and you will feel the beauty deep within you naturally bubble to the surface. Causing your whole body to tingle and feel alive. Changing your attitude from dark to light. Inviting in positive energy. Opening you to possibility.

Sometimes there is no need to explain. No need to understand. No need to question. Particularly when we take the time to appreciate the flowers that show us beauty every day reminding us that beauty is not caused it just is.

Have a magical and fragrant day as you remember to look at the faces of the flowers you normally would have taken for granted and feel their energy transform yours. Namaste

What a difference a year can make

One year ago yesterday was when I was told my job would be shutting down. Not in a year’s time. Not in a month’s time. But in two weeks.

I remember feeling like the sound had been cut off around me. I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails. I remember thinking about all the people that had joined the organisation in part because of me. I remember feeling incredibly sad and afraid. I remember hanging up the telephone from my boss after being told I was not to tell anyone what he had just told me because no one was supposed to know, looking up at the ceiling and finding it hard to breathe.

I picked up my bags flung my office door open. Shouting good night and have a great weekend to everyone then turning to walk out. I could see the look of shock on the face of my Assistant because I was leaving before 5. I could not look her in the eye when she asked if everything was okay. I just needed to get out of there so I could breathe.

I remember driving home in a daze. No words could express the pain and humiliation I felt as I drove. The drive feeling like it took an eternity. I remember driving shakily into my drive. My husband standing outside. I remember collapsing into his arms as the tears streamed down my face. My body shaking. The whole world around me seeming dull, grey, cruel. Like the colours had been snuffed out. Like the air had become oppressive.

Telling him between sobs what I had just been told. Letting the pain flow out of me into him. Seeing the mask come over his eyes. Knowing this was the easy part. Knowing that on the Monday 16 people would be told their lives were about to change through no fault of their own except  the choice they had made to work for the company.

I remember pulling myself together. Fear replaced with anger. Waves of guilt. Waves of fear. Waves of anger. Waves of disbelief. Going into auto pilot trying to find a solution a way out of the mess. But I couldn’t I was too fragile.

That was a year ago yesterday and though I thought my world was shattered. My dreams destroyed. My pride wounded. I am still standing. Stronger than before. Open to the Universe now. Grateful for the experience I had with the people I did because I learnt so much about life from them and the experience of being publicly humiliated and rejected. And the simple truth that I know as Whitney said but I embrace, “I wasn’t built to break.”

Daylight saving a thing of the past?

Our lives are constantly in a state of hurrying along as it is. Instant messaging. BB messaging. Facebook. Twitter. Information overload. We need time to sleep. To rejuvenate. Lighten our load. But yet we still have daylight savings where we lose an hour in the day in the spring and gain an hour in the day in the fall.

Losing that hour has become harder and harder for me to accept as I age. I need all the time I can get in a day without losing any second or minute for that matter - let alone an hour! At least that’s what I tell myself. Excuses are sometimes easier than accepting the reality of my human imperfections.

I think we should leave well enough alone. Let time do what it is meant to do, not adjust it for some antiquated system that no longer serves a purpose in our daily lives. Except upset our balance. Make us groggy. Tired. Grumpy. We are already a sleep deprived people. Trying to do as much and sometimes more than we are capable of doing. Because we have placed ourselves on these unnecessary treadmills. Trying to respond immediately. Trying to be everything to all people. Trying to be superhuman. Pushing. Driving. Exhausted. Frustrated. No quality. Just quantity.

So this morning I stayed in bed for that extra hour giving myself permission to sleep in to enjoy my family with me. The comfort and safety of my home before having to face the rush of the new day with one less hour!  Even thinking about it makes me tired but there is nothing I can do about it, it’s there. For reasons I don’t understand. Times have changed. People have changed. Losing an hour can be disruptive rather than beneficial to this modern generation who operates at full speed without taking a break.

But this hour change thing is part of a bigger dynamic than me. Than us. And it is outside my control so I have to let it go and go with the flow.  Even if my flow has one less hour. What I have to tell myself today as Eckhart Tolle says, "Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” So I guess I never had the extra hour to lose anyway. It is just an illusion. An excuse to justify my inadequacies or should I say human fallacies. Adjusting my mindset is all I can do and go with the flow because it never stops and never loses time.

Are you an observer or Visionary?

This beautiful and profound quote resonated so deeply with me. It reminded me why it is necessary for us to accept we can always find someone or something to support the way we feel. It is just up to us to decide how we want to feel and what we want to project. The quote is:

 “Those who are mostly observers thrive in good times but suffer in bad times because what they are observing is already vibrating, and as they observe it they include it in their vibrational countenance; and as they include it, the Universe accepts that as their point of attraction – and gives them more of the essence of it. So, for an observer, the better it gets, the better it gets; or the worse it gets, the worse it gets. However, one who is a visionary thrives in all times.” Esther and Jerry Hicks

This quote is reminding us that life is as good as we make it. We attract what we project.

And then I read a blog from Positively Positive that asked a very simple question and I linked it back to my thoughts about changing our perspectives. The question was, “What can I do differently to make this better?” Ask yourself this question the next time you are feeling overwhelmed and instantly you will feel hope, positive even because when you do, you realise it is up to you alone to shift your way of thinking.

Life is exactly what we make it based on the choices we make, based on what we project, based on what we truly believe about ourselves and our capabilities. Once we accept we are the masters of our universe we understand we are pretty powerful beings because only we can shift our consciousness and in doing so we can start shifting the way our world. And we can do so by deciding whether we are observers or visionaries.

Our lives are shaped by how we answer the question, “What can I do differently to make this better?” Am I an observer? Or am I a Visionary?

In gratitude for this new day

Thanks everyone for your support yesterday with regard to my intruder. It was a terrifying experience but also a sign of the times we are in. There are many people that are doing without. The economy is at an all time low and many people are at their all time lows. And unfortunately when that happens they feel they have nothing to lose so they do things that they would not normally do. They take from others because they feel they have been taken from.

Some people resort to desperate measures to get what they need. Some people are taking advantage of this downward spiral and are jumping on the bandwagon of thievery and intimidation even when they don’t need to. They are trying to find power and the only way they know how is to try to take the power away from others. Rather than recognising power comes from within and it is always at their disposal.

In hindsight my reaction yesterday to my intruder was not the best reaction. It is always easy to go  back after the fact and reprimand ourselves for the actions we have taken. To judge. Rather than embracing the feelings I experienced and learning from them for the next time. At the time I was angry that this intruder had violated my family’s space and I wanted him to know it. What ended up happening was that I did not frighten him, I ended up frightening my daughter who is now looking over her shoulder for everything. We have spoken to her to reassure her we actually are very lucky that none of us was hurt and our house was not invaded. And we are hugging her that much more.

My husband and I are more diligent about checking the house before we go to bed to try to secure us as much as we can from any intruders. But the lesson we have taken away from this is no matter how bad the situation you find yourself in may seem, there is always something to be grateful for. Our gratitude yesterday came from knowing we were safe. From knowing we are still living a fairly good lifestyle and we can still provide for our family without having to resort to desperate measures at the expense of others.

It’s a new day today. A beautiful new day. And for this I am truly grateful.

An intruder rattles my morning

This morning I decided to sleep in. I decided to forego my normal wake up time of 5.15 to just lie in bed. I couldn’t understand why. I wanted to get up but my body refused to budge.

And then at 5.45 am I understood why. I heard footsteps down the side of my house. Walk past my bedroom. Slowly without hurry and not in the least bit worried. I sat up looked to my side to see if my husband had woken up early and was walking around the house as he likes to do.  But he was sound asleep. Strange I thought.  I thought maybe I was dreaming. But the footsteps continued so I got out of bed. As I was walking to the window the motion lights came on so I hurried to the the window. Feeling  the adrenalin kick in. Heart racing. Terrified. Hoping I was dreaming. Wishing I was.

And then I saw him. Tall. Back to me. Maroon and black jacket. Instincts took over. I wanted him to stop. To know I had seen him. That he had not escaped. I banged on the window trying to get him to turn just before he disappeared behind my hibiscus hedge. Obviously a professional, he didn’t turn. He never even flinched. I woke my husband and daughter up because I banged so hard on the window. Scaring them not the one I had intended. The intruder who just walked away.

And then a car slowly drove out. An SUV. I thought it was my neighbour possibly woken by the same intruder. My husband called them to tell them what had happened but woke up the husband. 45 minutes later the wife drove back in and said her son had seen someone as well when they were leaving. But she didn’t think anything of it. The coincidences strange. Paths intersecting at the same time without realising why.

We called the police then but they said it was too late. There was nothing they could do. Strange feeling to know there was someone so close to my family. To my home. I feel like my privacy and space has been violated. But grateful at the same time that we are all safe and well.

My quote today interestingly enough says, “In this moment, all is well and I am safe.” And that’s what I have to believe now. Not hold on to the fear I felt. Not stop living because of an intruder but be mindful of my surroundings to make sure I continue to be safe. And not think about the what ifs because nothing happened. A wake up call is all I have to chalk this experience up as being.

Now I need to get on with my normal routines again. Putting this intruder out of my thoughts and moving on. Accepting that was the past and “in this moment all is well and I am safe.”