Why I like early mornings

I love writing my blog first thing in the morning particularly when it is a work day because it helps to set my intention for the day. It sets me on a path of where I can best be for the day.

It’s quiet. The house is still. Everyone is fast asleep. And not even the day has woken yet. It’s dark outside and I always feel so snug and warm and somewhat like a little girl again – stealing time on my own. Where the only worries I have in the moment are my own. The only pressures I have are my own.

The lights are low, subdued even. Giving me the time and space to reflect on what it is that is swirling through my head. It’s amazing how when I get up in the morning there is a moment when I have absolute clarity about what I want to do with my life. A moment when I am truly in the moment because my brain has not had the opportunity to start filtering and altering my thoughts. A moment when I know I am my authentic self.

Soon that moment gives way to a bombardment of thoughts and it is those thoughts that I try to harness and write about. I treasure my quiet time in the morning, when I sit and contemplate which of those thoughts is going to form the basis of my blog. Then magically my fingers start moving across the keyboard as letters pour out of my fingers, forming words, joining together to form my innermost thoughts – surprising even me in the end when I read what I have written.

I always feel elated once I have finished writing and sometimes find it hard to move away from my keyboard, my alter ego. Because I feel as if I am stepping away from what brings me alive in the mornings. Some days I have to tear myself away kicking and screaming because I have hit my stride. Other days I can’t wait to get away from it because it is taking so much out of me. And what I find on those days is I am writing to please rather than writing what wants to be written.

I realise my writing is like living. Some days we are going to be on point with clarity and vision. Other days we are going to be bogged down thinking too much about the how rather than the doing.

Wow, so philosophical and that’s why I like early mornings because I feel like I can fly...like I can do anything I want. Like I am in control. And then I exhale because I realise I am in control.

The paradox of our existence

After writing my blog yesterday about the wisdom we can draw from nature, I watched a very interesting Tedx last night. It was a talk by Alain de Botton who stated that we are the first to be living in a world where we worship nothing but ourselves. He contends this is the reason why we are drawn to nature because we need to feel contact with something nonhuman.

We are the first as a whole who do not believe in worshipping anything outside ourselves. We are told we have the ability to change our lives that God is within. Many of us believe this but at the same time find the concept very difficult to hold onto particularly in times of darkness. I was fascinated by this statement because I often find myself being drawn to nature when I feel I have lost direction. When I question who I am and what I am doing.

I seek solace in the freedom of nature because it exists without anyone taking care of it. It flourishes without being pampered by anyone. It rebuilds after being destroyed by catastrophes, sometimes taking longer than others and sometimes in different ways than it was before. But it always comes back. And I feel such comfort in knowing there is something like nature that coexists with me in a world filled with tragedy, envy and destruction.

In a world where we are told everything is possible. Yet we are struggling to find the possibility that is supposed to be there for us but isn’t.  Alain stated there are more suicides than ever before because people take what happens to them personally.  We live in an age where it is easier to make a good living but harder to feel contentment and joy. And the reason is he says is because we are surrounded by snobs. People who are constantly assessing what we do and where we fit into the socioeconomic picture and whether we are worthy enough of their attention based on what we do.

He says that people falsely believe that people acquire material goods because they are greedy. When in fact people acquire material goods because they want rewards for what they do. They go out and buy designer items with the labels on them because they want to be rewarded for the effort they feel they have put into attaining their success. Which then leads to the envy monster. According to Alain the dominant emotion in our society is envy which ironically is driven by our desire to be equal. We can’t understand why one person has more than we have when we are all supposed to be able to achieve.

We are facing a paradox at the moment – questioning our existence and why we do what we do because we place far too much emphasis on not being ridiculed or judged by others. Rather than just living our lives the way we want to live.

We can't worry about what others may say or do

I have consciously decided that I am going to take my time, remain below the radar and not antagonise anything because there is so much chaos around me as it is. I am trying really hard to radiate the abundance, love and light I feel inside out to those who want to receive it. I am trying to not get involved in the mudslinging, name calling, and malicious gossip that have become the norm in our society. Where people feel the only way they can look good is to tear someone else down rather than sharing and building each other up. Trying to stay out of the negative energy that is being spread and be true to who I am. Not judging. Not accusing. Just being.

So why is it that people do things to test you even when you are trying to stay out of the fracas? Why? I wondered to myself. While contemplating these questions, I decided to sit outside in the sun. Facing it. Eyes closed. Breathing. Trying to understand the why. And something magical occurred.

I could see vividly the colour red even though my eyes were closed. And then I could feel the colour red flowing all through me. A power manifested in my being and I went deeper within. The red gave way to white and a calmness ran through me. Then the white gave way to a gold yellow colour and a feeling of reassurance ran through me. A warmth flowed through my being as I opened my eyes to the light. Amazed to see the colours were more subdued than they were before I closed my eyes but yet  so much more crisp, vivid.

I sat in silence inhaling the air. Savouring the moment. Just letting thoughts run through my mind as the sound of the wind whistled past my ears. And just like that, the answer came to me about the why. And it was and will continue to be, it is not for us to worry about other people because that is their story not ours. As long as we continue to operate from a place of abundance, love and light, their words can never hurt us. So we need not waste any energy on worrying about the why because it is their journey not ours.

I looked around at nature, at its cooperative way of being where each thing is reliant on the other to thrive and I thought how much better our world could be if we only took a look at our surroundings and acted accordingly – together not against each other.  Recognising we are all one, a part of the human family. If we hurt one, we hurt all. If we help one, we help all.

Grateful for following my instincts yesterday

This morning I knew why I needed that time yesterday to recharge because my son is ill. Whenever he gets a cold it turns into asthma like symptoms. So he was coughing all through the night and at 5 am this morning he was coughing so hard I went to him. He was short of breath. His whole body was shaking and he was fire hot. I gave him his Ventolin and then he settled back down. I sat with him looking at my soon to be man sleeping peacefully while his body shook. I stroked his face. Ran my hands over his hair trying to comfort him. Soothe him. Let him know I was there if he needed me. He must have read my mind because he opened his eyes looked into mine and said, “Thank you.”

I nearly cried. Even in his time of trouble he still found the strength to say thank you. Not thinking about himself but about me. Wanting me to know he appreciates me. Wanting me to know he knows.  I sat with him for a little longer watching him sleep. Watching his body slowly start to relax. Stroking his face. Thinking about how quickly time has gone by from those days when I used to have rush him to the hospital at all hours in the morning to be nebulized. Grateful those days seemed to be at an end. Worried that they could begin again because we have been more relaxed with his diet considering he hasn’t has one of these attacks for such a long time.

Feeling guilty for lapsing as a mother because I did not want to be s strict with him considering I am working again and not here all the time to monitor them. Angry for feeling guilty. Mixed emotions running through me. Remembering my son looking into my eyes and saying thanks. Letting go of all negative feelings. Just watching him sleep. Knowing I am doing the best I can. Quietly getting up from his bed only for my son to stir and look up to say, “Love you mommy.”

Turning to look at my son, his eyes closed already, slowly going back to sleep and I say, “Love you too.” No answer. He’s already asleep.  I walk slowly out of his room. Closing the door behind me. Listening for a moment outside his door to make sure his breathing is okay. I go back to bed. I look at the clock and it’s 5.45.

I wonder if I should I stay in bed or just get up. I decide to just relax in bed. And before I know it, it’s 6.45 and my son is coughing again. He gets up and goes to the family room. Quietly trying not to wake anyone up. But a mother never sleeps when her children are not well so I am awake as soon as he is. I let him think he has not disturbed me up so he won’t feel guilty.

The sun was bright. The wind was strong. The day had begun and I am grateful for seeing another day and for my son making it through a rough night. He’s still coughing but brighter and so am I. And so is the day. Grateful for following my instincts yesterday and just being so I would have the energy this morning and today to help my son through his illness and not feel tired. Lesson well learnt for me – I will endeavour to trust my instincts more because they always know. They always know.

Surrendering to me

I woke up this morning with thousands of thoughts about what I have to do bombarding my mind. So much so I froze. My head was hurting. My breath was coming in rasps. I felt like I was suffocating. I tried hard to go back to sleep. To treat myself to just being in bed. Trying to shut off the bombardment but my eyes would not close and my mind would not stop. So I got up.

I went into the bathroom, looking for inspiration - something to calm me down. Something to ground me. Nothing. I took a deep breath trying to be as quiet as a mouse so as not to wake my sleeping family. I focused on what I can do and what I am good at rather than what I can’t and what I’m not.

And then an answer I was seeking on a problem at work came to me as crystal clear as if it had been in me all the time. And then I knew it was inside me all the time. It was a huge victory for me because it removed a massive stumbling block that had been forming in my head – causing me to hide in the darkness believing I couldn’t when all the while I could but was projecting outside rather than focusing inside.

I then walked in the laundry room with full intentions of packing all the laundry away feeling like I had my second wind to do all that I needed to do. Walking back through the office with laundry basket in hand, I stopped. Put the basket down by my computer and starting searching for whatever it was that was drawing me. Following my instincts. Listening to it. Not worrying about the laundry.

I found it in the form of meditative music. I put my earphones on and indulged myself. Feeling not guilty. Not rushed. Casting aside the feelings of wanting or needing to feel busy in order to feel like I am worthy. Realising that sometimes the need to feel guilty is an excuse not to face whatever it is that is churning inside. Listening. Breathing. Realising. Feeling a joy so deep rise up within me that tears came to my eyes. Breathing gratitude for giving myself the gift of relaxation and writing.

Ready now to tackle my day regardless of what comes my way. Understanding and accepting, “Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”Carl Jung

No matter what I have love

It's amazing how our perspective changes in a matter of minutes, days.

When I landed in London on Monday morning, I landed in the dark. It was foggy. Dreary. Overcast. Shadows coming off the trees. A darkness. Filling me with dread. Apprehension. Worry. As I went in to the unknown of meeting my colleagues,  the weather and surroundings matched my mood.

But on my way back home, London bid me goodbye with bright sunny blue skies. Not a cloud in the sky. It was a beautiful and uplifting day. My taxi driver and I had a great chat about life. When I got to the train station, the people were smiling and chatty. People I encountered on the Gatwick Express were more open and friendlier. As I sat on the train watching the scenery fly by, I was enthralled by the beauty of the English countryside.

Gone was the greyness. The dreariness. Replaced with the vivid green of the grass against the clear blue sky. Everything and everyone seemed to be more alive. Horses in the fields. People walking dogs. Or should I say dogs running through the expansive countryside. Excitement ran through me as I caught a glimpse of a fox stealing across the field. Sly. Sleek. Yet beautiful.

I inhaled and exhaled feeling gratitude flowing through me for seeing the dark and the light. For seeing that we create the environments we find ourselves in. For understanding the fog was with me upon my arrival because I was in a fog - nervous about what lay ahead of me. Questioning who I needed to be rather than focusing on who I am.

I got there and met my colleagues and stayed true to who I am. Learning, Listening. Being. Challenging. And I accepted them for who they are recognising in order for us to be a team we have to be able to be open with each other, understand each other, trust each other. We established a great start. Relief.

I left London with a ray of hope. Knowing I have a long and steep road ahead of me but feeling more comfortable with where I am right now. Accepting. Looking out the train window seeing the sun, the blue skies reminding me of home - calling me home.

I flew home with clear blue skies the whole way. A smooth plane ride. Excited to be coming home. There is nothing like seeing my little Island home coming into view from the distance as the blueness of the water changes. Ready to see my family. Wheels touched down. I expressed my gratitude to the Universe for arriving home safely.

And then the best gift was waiting for me when I walked through the customs doors. There waiting for me with eyes wide and absolute glee were my children and my husband. Welcoming me back from my first business trip.

I remember what this is all about. Experiences to help us grow. Experiences to pass on. Love and Acceptance. My heart swelled with pride as I embraced my family and we walked out of the airport on to the next part of this journey. Knowing no matter what I have love.

I know for sure I do not know it all

There is one thing I know for sure about life and it is that I do not know it all. I also know that I am not the only person in the world who does not know it all. I know these things because I am human and as such am imperfect and can not and will not know it all.
As a result of this epiphany I have learnt it is okay to ask for help. To admit when I don't know something. Raise my hand and ask rather than wasting time pretending I do. Chasing my tail and never really admitting when I am going wrong.
There are so many people who are so afraid to admit when they don't know something because they are afraid people will think less of them. Look down on them. Judge them. My answer to that is - let them. The wise person knows being clever is having the ability to ask the question than not. The compassionate person knows not to judge but to lift up.
Sharing information, knowledge with others is one of our greatest gifts we could ever give to each other. Yet some of us hold our cards close to our chest. Afraid to share because we think we will put ourselves at an unfair disadvantage by giving away our knowledge. When in fact the exact opposite is true.
 When we share, we open our hearts. When we open our hearts, we open our souls.  When we open our souls, we spread love. When we spread love, we spread peace. And when we spread peace, we grow as a people because we move up in the world. Making room for the next person behind us. And so on.
So instead of remaining in the dark, pretending we can see the light when we can't, let's move out of the dark by admitting we don't know it all. And admit we need a little help sometimes. Remembering. There is always something new to learn when we are willing to admit it. Admitting. Asking. Sharing. Equals Growth.
May we all learn to be wise, compassionate and giving. Lifting each other up out of the darkness. Giving each other light. By sharing.