The only battle we are ever fighting

The only battle we are ever fighting
Is the battle within
There is no battle
Without
Unless within is not sorted out
No one can make us feel anyway
Unless we carry the feeling inside
No one can take anything from us
Unless we give it to them
No one can make us feel inferior
Unless we carry inferiority inside us
No one can belittle us
Unless we feel belittled within
No one can hurt us
Unless we are hurt within
No one can tell us we are
Something else
Other than who we are
Unless we are something else
Within
Unless
We have been pretending
To be something without
That is not us within
The only battle we are ever fighting
Is the battle we allow in
Because we never assessed it from within
Because we never went within
To find out why the without
Hurts us
Belittles us
Takes from us
Makes us feel inferior
Afraid or Scared
Because the only battle
We are every fighting
Is the battle within
The greatest battle we will ever fight
The only battle we can ever win
Is the battle
The battle within

Lesson from the pouring rain

Rain.  Relentless rain. Pouring so hard on my roof, I thought it would come through. All night long. Not letting up. Lighting flashed. Thunder rumbled. More rain. Hard rain. Washing away the residue that need not remain. Flooding places that needed to be cleared out. Showing where the blockages were.

Waking up this morning to yet more rain. Rainy Monday morning. Not a good way to start the week with a gloomy rainy morning. But then when I thought about how I came home on Saturday after doing errands and got out of my car to be greeted by the beautiful gift of nature, I remembered why I needed to be grateful for this rain. Everything in my yard looking so lush. So green. So abundant, I felt so blessed. So privileged to live in such a beautiful and abundant place.
I thought about how I stood for a moment taking in the varying shades of green. The shadows cast by the trees. The light pouring through the leaves. And I was in awe. In awe of the sight before my eyes. Filling me with such appreciation for everything that has happened to allow me to stand in the spot I stood on Saturday. Thinking about all the rain that has come this year to allow everything to be so lush, so abundant, so full. Thinking if there is such a place as utopia, I was standing in it.
I was in such awe that I took pictures of the place I live. Took pictures to remind myself of the magic moment I was experiencing. Of the time when the place I take for granted often because I return to it every day made me realise just how fortunate I am. Just how blessed I am to be able to call this place my home. This place where birds sing just about every day. This place where there is greenery that casts shadows and light filters through the canopy of trees that almost look like rainbows  sometimes. This place where I leave and come back to every single day. And I am glad I did take photos to capture that moment because it was that moment that is shifting my thoughts from doom and gloom about the rain that seems to not want to let up to pure gratitude for it being here.
For it is the rain that has allowed my avocado trees to be fully laden. Has allowed my yard to look like the Garden of Eden. Has given me pause to realise that the downpours we get in life are helping us to grow into the people we asked to come here to be. It also allowed me to not fear the thunder storm last night because I knew it had come to help clear the air as do all storms; even our personal storms.
So I am shifting away from thinking about the gloom of the rain this morning to gratitude for its coming. For without the rain I would not have had the magic moment I had on Saturday. The moment where my life stopped me in my tracks and asked me to see, to really see where I am in my journey. To really appreciate this place I call home. To see the beauty I walk past every day for the first time. Sending chills up and down my spine.
Allowing me to know in this moment, for all types of weather, I am truly grateful because it is the changing weather that allows us to appreciate the sun, the abundance and the peace that comes when the rain, wind and storms are done.
Happy Monday everyone. Here's to another week to make the most of all that comes our way because it is where we asked to be so that we can get to where we are going. Remembering sometimes to stop and appreciate from whence we have come to appreciate the place we are standing. Namaste

Capturing the essence of who we are

Capturing the essence of who we are
Not forgetting why we came
And who we came to be
Capturing the love that exists for us all
The colors we see in the world
The love we feel in our hearts
Life is meant to be lived
To be explored
To be a mystery
So that we are constantly
Renewing
Challenging
Growing
And finding our way
It is not meant to be black and white
And often it will be grey
But some days
We see all
That is meant to be seen
When we give ourselves the space
And time for the fog to clear
Allowing us to see
All the clarity in the world
When we stop

Just stop

And listen

Listen

To the music of our hearts
The rhythm of our beat
The universal song
That connects us all
To the place we all belong
The place from which
All hope springs
The place from which
The harmony of the world rings
The place that says nothing and everything
All at once
The place that is called the beginning and end
The place that we all return to
When we listen to the call
The call of our own Voice
The call that knows when we need to brought back
To the beginning
The call that asks us to surrender

Just surrender

Surrender

To the music of the angels
The angels that are all of us
Capturing the essence of our hearts
When we step out in nature
And see the colors
The bountifulness
Of this world we call Earth
This world that blesses us
And curses us
When we forget to be grateful for all we have
When we remember to be grateful for what we have
When we remember to give thanks
For the trials as well as the triumphs
Because without one
We would not know the other

Capturing the essence of who we are
The heart song
That beats
Without effort
The pulse that connects us all
To the place from which we all came
The place that waits for our return
The place we cannot escape
Because it is our original home
Capturing the essence of our heart song
Is what makes us tick
What makes us who we are
What connects us all
Because we are all
We are all
Which means we are nothing
Because without one
There could be no other

Capturing the essence of who we are
Not forgetting why we came
And who we came to be
Capturing the love that exists for us all
The colors we see in the world
The love we feel in our hearts
Letting us know
Life is meant to be lived
Fully and totally
Life is meant to be lived
Amen

#TGIT - History was definitely made last night

Well. Well. Well. (couldn't resist stealing the phrase of Maleficent) History was definitely made last night on #ABC and #Shondaland because she and her wonderful writers did not disappoint.
From the Grey's fans, the  show was great. Not my show so I  have to trust they know.
And #Scandal, well it was definitely scandalous. The show opening to a whole new world with people together I was hoping would not be together. Throwing the whole beginning into a world completely of their own. Discombobulating those of us seeking the same scenery and people who were always the cornerstone of the Scandal story. Making us question what we were watching.
Soon bringing us back to a place more familiar. A place of double dealing and backstabbing that serves no one but the backstabbers and cheats. It is then that Olivia finds her groove again. Finds she missed what she thought she hated. What she thought she was running from was actually running to her. Forcing her to confront what was important to her when she finds her gladiators scattered. Lost. Brought back together by the one who was the most lost in the Season before - our Quinn. Mourning the death of the one who was the glue of the gladiators - Harrison - may he RIP. Who through his "death" still remained as the glue that brought everyone back together again. Reaching from beyond the grave.
And then the temptation, the lure of being the fixer became too great for Olivia Pope when she was asked to find a solution to a problem.  A problem that was not hers . But a problem that ignited the flame again in her to be the woman she was meant to be - the fixer, the handler. Especially if it meant not completely fixing or handling herself. Death and destruction circling her like vultures to fresh kill but she was too blind to see that she was being pulled back into the world she thought she hated. The world she thought she wanted nothing more to do it.
But the first temptation that came before her pulled her back. Back to the place where her world will be rocked. Showing us the shattered lives of the people she left behind. The people who had not recovered from the wrongdoings and shenanigans that had gone on before.
Shonda taking us on a roller coaster ride as we watched the hurt and the feelings of betrayal of not one but most of the characters on the show. Challenging us to decide if any of them were wrong for the defensive positions they had assumed or if all of them were right. Showing us without lecturing us that life is not easily black and white. Not always that clear. That sometimes the truth resides in the in between. The grey. The ether less understood.
Ending Scandal on a bang with the hope that life will come back to what we remembered it before by reuniting those who were never meant to be separated. Whose hearts and souls are intertwined no matter the distance. No matter the time. When people are meant to be together, they will always be together no matter how hard they try to keep apart. Showing us that sometimes we waste precious time being something what we are not. Being with people who are only showing us how not to be so we can find those who help us to be who we are.
And then the historical #TGIT created by #Shondaland and #ABC came to an end on a high with "How To Get Away with Murder" starring Ms. Viola Davis and her commanding and mesmerizing voice. Her presence filling the entire screen. Her control unbreakable so we falsely believed until Shondaland revealed the fragile and broken aspect we all carry in the character of Viola. Showing us that none of us are perfect. We all have flaws even when our image seems impenetrable. Even when we seem to have it all going on.Underneath there is always a secret. A secret we all carry. A scar never healed.
What a night. A night spent with friends, old and new, brought together to share in the history making night, #TGIT,  that did not disappoint. Bravo Shonda and her writer's room for taking us an emotional roller coaster dropping us off in midair waiting for more. Bravo to ABC for giving Shonda the chance to be the Queen of Thursday nights and for allowing her to hook us one more time. Waiting impatiently for next Thursday to come. What a ride. Can't wait for the next #TGIT. Breathless and counting the days, the hours, the minutes and seconds to be thrust into Shondaland once again.

Can't resist - it's #Scandal night tonight

Okay so I tried. I really did try to stay away from writing anything about #Scandal premiering Season 4 tonight. I started out thinking I could shift my thoughts away from the excitement that the countdown is really over. Finally over and the day has finally come when Olivia Pope and Fitz will once again be main characters in my life. Lighting up my screen! Sizzling in only the way they can. Her pouty mouth. His dreamy stare. When #Olitz will be brought back to life on my screen every Thursday night.
I listened to my normal meditation music. Hearing the voice of angels in the background who normally pull me into the silence of my thoughts. The nothingness that is the all. But this morning that nothingness turned into the faces of my Fitz and Olivia Pope. I know I've got it bad. My husband and children now knowing that Thursday nights are not meant to be messed with while #Scandal is on the air. Even my work colleagues work with me to schedule no dinners on that night, drinks maybe - and you know who you are - thank you. No spoilers Julia just total excitement and anticipation.
So once I came out of my meditation still feeling the strong pull of my Scandal addiction, I thought I would distract myself by attempting to write something more spiritual but #Shondaland kept creeping into my bones, my pores, my everything. My fingers trying to go in one direction on the keyboard but my mind not letting go until I could resist it no longer. Forcing me to abandon my romantic thoughts about whatever else I was trying to write bringing me back to what I was meant to write about - my addiction. My Scandal. Oh so excited, can't you tell!
But even more than that I have to acknowledge the reality that tonight Shonda Rhimes will make history! And I could not be more proud of her right now - a woman, a woman of colour, a woman who does not look like what Hollywood considers to be the ideal Hollywood woman, a woman who some claim to be an angry black woman is breaking every single stereotype there is and taking her place in history tonight. Call her what you like, define her as you may, Shonda Rhimes is completely and utterly shattering the concept of white males owning TV land tonight when she debuts her #TGIT rollout of shows.
Oh happy day for tonight Shonda Rhimes will come waltzing in with not one but three shows taking over the ABC network. Amazing grace - how sweet the sound.  And I could not be any more excited than I am right now because this woman is showing to me, my daughter, her daughters, herself, and to all the other daughters and women out there who have been lured into believing we are meant to sit quietly under the glass ceiling that was put there first by someone who wanted to protect what was his own and feared the new, there is no glass ceiling. For Shonda has not only shattered the glass ceiling, she is showing it does not exist. Shonda is showing us that the glass ceiling only exists when we buy into the concept of being defined by someone else other than ourselves. Showing us that when we are true to ourselves and go for our dreams earnestly and purposefully regardless of the labels others may try to impose on us, we can do anything we want to do.
Scandal Season 4 premieres tonight. It has been a long time in coming and I am more than excited about seeing my #Olitz on the screen, finding their way back to each other. Can you hear the harps playing in the background? I know Antwan, shattering your dream of your #Mellie but we won't go there in my flow of Scandal. I know to many the whole on-again off again #Olitz forbidden love grates on you, sorry it is the cornerstone of the show. The pure genius of Shondaland  for showing us there is no right or wrong, black or white. It is this love that divides and brings us back to Scandal over and over again. And it does because Shonda and the fabulous writing crew of Scandal know that deep down inside we all want to believe in love. We all have fallen deeply in love and want to capture that feeling over and over again. We want to know that love is available to us all - particularly passionate love- love that knows no bounds.
Can't wait to see what Scandal brings this year especially now that my girl Kerry Washington is hamper free - no more large bags and props to conceal what was not meant to be seen nor expressed as Olivia Pope. Even though in her private life it was a joyous experience, it was not an experience, so grateful it was not, to be brought to the silver screen. Can't wait to see how she has transformed both as an actress and as a woman now that she has become more than the Kerry she was before. Now that she has been given the sacred privilege of bringing forth another life to this earth and knowing how it changes us women in ways uinimagined before.
I have never watched Grey's so I can't comment on that show. And I am wrestling with watching How to get Away with Murder because I don't want to get addicted to another show as I have with Scandal. Obsessed is really what I am with Scandal and I fear Shonda and her wonderful team of writers will draw me in again with Ms. Viola Davis and the cutie from Orange is the New Black.
Aah well only time will tell, how many more hours before the debut of #Scandal Season 4? And the debut of #TGIT - Grey's Anatomy, SCANDAL and How to Get Away With Murder. I am beyond excited,  so I know Shonda must be ecstatic.
Congrats Ms. Shonda it's your night tonight lady and I am so proud of you. Now write me some juicy scenes with #Olitz please....Namaste :)

You're Looking At Me Like I Live Here

This week marks Dementia week in Bermuda so there are a series of events happening to help raise the awareness of this disease. To help people who may be suffering from it or caring for someone who is suffering from it, to know they are not alone. To help them to understand more of what is happening to them or to their loved ones.
Liz Stewart, the President and founder of the Dementia group, decided to start this organisation after caring for her mother who suffered from dementia and subsequently died the same year but not before Liz realized how hard it was to care for her mother. To experience her mother lose contact with her life and family. I knew Liz's mother, Judith, a vivacious woman full of life so I could understand how difficult it must have been for a daughter to see her mother, a woman she admired, become someone else before her eyes. I also know that the group she formed would be a helpful and empathetic group because it was founded in the name of her mother to provide a touchstone for those going through the varying stages of dementia.
The other evening some of my family and I took advantage of one of this week's offerings, and went to watch a documentary about a woman suffering from dementia. We went because we have some concerns about our dad and we want to understand what could possibly be going on with him.
The documentary was called "You're Looking At Me Like I Live Here And I Don't." An apt title for the documentary because dementia does just that to those affected by it.  The person suffering from dementia  remains in the body of the person they once were but mentally they no longer connect with the body. They become a stranger in their own bodies. Leaving those of us who knew them, looking at the physical body still trying to connect them with the person they once were. The person that used to live in that body but no longer does. Until we realise the person he once was has left that space leaving behind someone else. And that someone else still desires to be cared for and loved. A very challenging space for the person and for the caregiver(s).
In the documentary, it was very sobering to watch a woman who obviously used to be in control of her life by the way she commanded the home she was living in but now had no idea who she was and why she was here. It was also sobering to realise that we could go through this life then get to the end of it and not know who we were or what we had experienced. It was also eye opening to see this woman dressed to the nines appear to be in full control of herself but was a shell of the woman she once was. How we can easily  be fooled by appearances until we communicate with the person and realise something is not right.
I watched the woman wondering around the home trying to find meaning to her life. Trying to connect as well as disconnect with where she found herself and thought how life is meant to be lived in the present moment. To enjoy every single moment that we have where we are because one day we could wake up and be the woman wondering around with no connection to our past.
I thought about how sometimes I project too far into the future. Worrying about what may happen rather than living presently and gratefully in this moment where every second I can remember who I am and why I am where I am is a gift not to be taken for granted.
Dementia affects a staggering 1 in 3 people in the world on varying levels. It is not a sign of aging. It is a disease. A disease that creeps up on us without us really understanding what is happening to us. It is often misdiagnosed because it affects us all in different ways. But some of the most common symptoms are memory loss, paranoia, the desire to isolate from the world and remain at home. And it can start happening to us as young as our 30s which is why in some cases it is misdiagnosed.
It is not a disease to be taken for granted because those who suffer from it can put themselves in danger by not remembering that they put on the kettle to boil water only to burn the house down. Or they many wander from home and not know where to return.
Watching the documentary helped me to understand that sometimes we have to slow down and smell the roses. To enjoy who we are where we are at this present moment because we could wake up one day totally disconnected from the life we were living. Waking up to the reality that people are looking at us like we live here but we don't anymore. And if that day comes, would the life we have been living be the life we would be proud of? Is it the life that was worth rushing around for when we no longer can remember who we were and why we were. And if it isn't when are we going to become who we were meant to become.
"You're Looking at Me Like I Live Here And I Don't" is a sobering reminder that life can change in an instant so it is up to us to live as fully as we can. And to be compassionate to those who lose their ability to connect with the reality of where they are because one day it could be us. Thanks Liz for being brave enough to bring to the forefront a disease that many are ashamed of because you are helping so many of us to understand what is happening to us and to those we love. And for letting us know we are not alone, I am truly grateful.

Autumn

Yet another season has come
Autumn
The mornings are darker
The stars have shifted
And the moon sits
In a different part of the sky
The days shorter
The nights longer
Autumn
Ushering out summer
Today the first day of fall
Leaves are changing
Dancing
Twirling
Putting on a show
As they don their reds
Oranges and yellow
Giving us a burst of color
Before they bid their adieu
Drifting to the ground
Exhausted from displaying their finery
Giving us their last dance
Before returning to the place
From which they have come
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Autumn
Already there is change in the air
As the mornings are darker
The days shorter
Summer giving way to Fall
Fall preparing us
For the desolation of winter
When all goes bare
Fall so beautiful
Perfect time of the year
A time of bursting forth
Of renewing
Of readying ourselves
For the onslaught of winter
But not before the leaves
And nature treat us
To a spectacular display of natural beauty
The beauty that exists for us all
The Autumnal Equinox
For us in the Northern Hemisphere
And the Spring Equinox
For those in the Southern Hemisphere
Occurred for us at 10.29 last night
When the plane of the Earth
Passed the center of the Sun
Allowing our opposite Hemispheres
North and South
To be illuminated equally
Our differences becoming the same
For that brief moment in time
Ushering in Fall for us
Spring for them
Good morning Autumn
So ready for your change
So ready for the cooling
The cooling of the air
The change of season
To let us know
To remind us
Nothing lasts forever
There's a time and place
For everything and everyone
So let's make the most
Of all we have
With gratitude and grace
So we may
Live our lives
Embracing change
Knowing
Whatever we are going through
This too shall pass
As the seasons change
So do we
Welcome Autumn
So grateful to see you again
Namaste

Just because I am #handicap doesn't make me less beautiful

Yesterday I was admiring this beautiful woman seated in a chair. Her face chalky white. Her hair raven. Her eyes like charcoal and a smile that lit up the room. There was something about her that drew me to her - a reticence behind her eyes. A timidness about her soul. I could not quite put my finger on it but there was something that made me stare at her for a long time.
I thought how lucky she is to be so beautiful. I felt somewhat intimidated by her beauty. Small in her presence. And then she stood up. Well reached for her walking stick to help her to get out of the chair, shattering my image of who she was and what she was. I was shocked. Floored to be honest. She reached for a walking stick that had been in plain sight but never in my wildest dreams did I think it was for this beautiful woman seated next to me. I had not seen the stick before because I had not expected for her to have one particularly with a face like hers. I had judged her to be this beautiful woman who surely had the world at her beck and call. So blinded by my perception of her that I did not see the whole of her.
When she finally steadied herself and got her stick so she could stand, my mouth nearly dropped to the floor. I had thought she was tall and thin - everything most women dream to be. Only to discover when she was sitting in the chair, her legs were hidden so I could not see that the bulk of her height was in her trunk. Deceiving me of her true height because her legs were very short. So short that she had to almost jump down from the chair to reach the ground, with the assistance of her stick.
She was no taller than my 11 year old and needed her stick to help her to walk. My whole perception of this woman completely shattered by what I thought I was seeing in the mirror only for it to be a total untruth. I chastised myself for being shocked by this woman because I had misjudged her thinking she was so beautiful that she was perfect. Only to decide in my eyes and possibly to most people she was less than beautiful because she was physically challenged. My admiration quickly turning to pity. How arrogant of me to even think like that.
I thought I had evolved beyond such stereotypical behavior - particularly as a black woman who has endured prejudice on many levels - from being a woman to being  black and something in between sometimes. My husband is white so sometimes I am accused of betraying my race so I thought I was nonjudgmental and took people as they come.  Only to be reminded by this young lady yesterday, who though she is physically challenged, is the same beautiful woman I saw in the mirror before seeing her physical limitation. The woman with the chalky white skin, the charcoal eyes and the raven hair. The woman with the smile that light up the room.
Reflecting back, I understood the reticence I saw in her eyes. The timidness of her soul. It was because she is used to being judged and looked at differently when she stands and begins to move. She feels in herself the disappointment we feel when we see she is not perfect. She is not the tall woman she looks like she is when she is seated in a chair.
I talked to my family about this beautiful yet fragile woman when I got home.  Talked about the shame I felt when I realized she was not as I thought she was. At how I really have not evolved as much as I thought I had.
And then I saw this video done by MattyB whose sister is mentally handicapped where he made a rap video about what she goes through every day. Instantly, I knew I was being sent a message to share to those who so happen to come across my blog, prejudice does not just come from the most obvious race or creed. Prejudice comes every single time we judge someone who is different from us. Who may not fit what we perceive to be our ideal. Who does not look like us, think like us, or have the mobility or use of all senses as we do. Who may be physically or mentally challenged.
What I know for sure is each one of us has a place in this world. Each one of us came here to learn, to teach and to share what it feels like to be less than perfect because none of us are. Not one of us is. If we were, we would not be here.
So the next time we see someone who may not be as physically or mentally perfect as we would like them to be whether that may mean race, color or creed or in a wheel chair or supported by walking sticks, we need not judge. We need not pity because we are each beautiful in our own right when we acknowledge we are all here for a reason.
To the beautiful woman with the chalky white skin, the raven hair, the charcoal eyes and the smile that lit up the room, I now see you for the beautiful woman that you truly are, walking stick and all. And for you crossing my path to humble me by challenging me to push aside the stereotypical definition of what beauty means to me, I am truly grateful.
To MattyB for standing up for his sister, bravo.
To Alicia Keys for starting the #weareheremovement  based on the social ecology that "we're all related and need to work in harmony to create a kinder and better world for all."
To all of us, we are all one regardless of where we come from, what we look like and what we believe. With gratitude for our differences so we can understand our similarities. Namaste
Link to MattyB's videohttp://www.quickmeme.com/news/?p=4087
And to @AliciaKeys' movement #wearehere http://weareheremovement.com/#act

Our closet circle is reflective of the energy we project

The energy we bring into the room is the energy we will attract. The person we are on the inside is indicative of the people we will attract. Who we are essentially is reflected in the people we are always with because we become those who we surround ourselves with. As the people we surround ourselves with become us. Our closet circle becomes the mirror of our soul. The key to our essence self.
The energy we most resonate becomes the story of our lives. If we want to change the story of our lives, we have to check in with who we are on the inside. Who we think we are cleverly disguising and doing what we think will make others believe we are one way when on the inside we are another brings more conflict into our lives rather than peace. Our essence self cannot be disguised because it is who we are.
Life give us exactly what we put out despite the persona we may project. There is no disguising from ourselves who we truly are. And who we truly are is reflected in our life experience. If we are ones who love peace and do our best to promote and seek peace, sometimes we will attract those who want to upset our peace into our lives, to test us to see if we really want peace. The reason we attract them is because we sometimes doubt who we are and attract in who we are not. Attract in our doubt.
Until we see the antithesis of who we are, we do not realise it is doubt that is attracting in the opposite energy of who we are.  When we meet our antithesis energy, it is up to us to adjust to become people of peace again. We rid ourselves of our doubting thoughts and in doing so, we rid ourselves of those who are not us. Not by rejecting them outright but by being who we are on the inside which directs us back to our place of peace. Such that when our antithesis self sees we are truly people of peace and we determine they are otherwise, we move away from each other because we no longer relate to each other. Not because of hate. Never with malice but purely because our energy is combustible rather than compatible.
Likewise when we are surrounded by drama all the time, it is because we are inviting the drama into our lives by putting ourselves in the middle of it. Sending out energy to keep it with us. Rather than seeing it is there to show us how not to be. And adjusting our energy so the drama no longer serves us and it moves away.
Life takes us on a myriad of emotions because it is showing us where we are at any given present moment in our lives. Asking us to determine if the place we find ourselves in, both physically and emotionally, is the place we want to remain in. Because in order for us to be one way and know it is the way we want to be, we are sent the opposite of ourselves to show us how we could be if we weren't being who we are at the present moment. Then it is up to us to decide which way we want to go. Bearing in mind that whatever way we choose to go, we will attract more of it into our lives with the energy we put out.
Life has a funny way of balancing us - allowing us to see the opposite of who we are so we can choose who we want to be. Letting us know, we are always in  control of the emotions we bring. We are never in control of the emotions others may bring so it makes no sense fighting something or someone that is beyond our control. When we do, we become them and less of ourselves.
Therefore it is up to us and only us to determine what energy we bring into the room. To determine who we are authentically. Because of the duality of our existence we carry both good and bad, darkness and light within us and it is up to us to decide which way we want to be. Trying our hardest to not judge anyone else for the choices they make and the energy they bring into the room. And respectfully keeping our distance and being with those who bring us the most joy rather than those who steal our joy.
Remembering as much as we can, each of us is responsible for the energy we bring into the room. And our closet circle is reflective of the energy we project.

Nobody's friend

Nobody's friend
Pretends to be
Everyone's friend
But is friends
With no one
Not even himself
Nobody's friend
Smiles at everyone
Smiles at everything
But smiles at nothing
Or no one
Not even herself
Nobody's friend laughs
Laughs the loudest
Out of everyone
But conceals the truth
Behind her laughter
By laughing so loud
To hide her pain
To conceal his truth
That she is friends
With no one
Not even himself
Nobody's friend
Pretends to care
About everyone's welfare
But could care less
About anyone
But himself
But herself
Nobody's friend
Is the belle of the ball
Dancing the longest
Parties the most
But inside hates to dance
Despises partying
But needs to be invited
To have a seat at the table
In order to control
In order to manipulate
In order to ruin
The fun anyone else
May have
Nobody's friend
Can't allow happiness
To flow
Because happiness eludes her
Is out of his reach
His heart is too cold
Her soul empty
So
Nobody's friend
Stirs the pot
Then hides
Behind the pot
Pretending
They never even knew
There was a pot
And convinces everyone
There is no pot
And everyone believes him
Believes her
Because
Nobody's friend
Is everyone's friend
But is friends with no one
Not even herself
Nobody's friend
Hates everything and everyone
Including herself
Himself most of all
And because she does
He pretends
And pretends
Becoming friends with everyone
But friends with no one
Nobody's friend gossips
Talks about everyone
And everything
So no one can see
Just how unhappy
He is with himself
Nobody's friend
Seems to be joyful
On the outside
But on the inside
Is empty
Devoid of any emotion
That benefits anyone
Or anything
Nobody's friend
Is everyone's friend
Because she wants something
From everyone
So he takes
Takes and takes
Like a little parasite
Sucking out the good
In everyone and anyone
She latches onto
Holding on tight
Until there is nothing left
Then moves on to the next
Pretending to be nurturing
Instead she is destructive
The darkness incarnated
Be weary of nobody's friend
The one who pretends
To be friends
With everyone
But is friends
With no one
Not even herself
Not even himself
Nobody's friend

Coming from a place of love

Inspiration is eluding me today. Creativity beyond my reach. Struggling to articulate my despair. Making words oh so hard to come by. I am struggling to begin. Struggling to know what to say . My fingertips are uncertain today. Uncertain about what to reveal because there are so many out there that are building a campaign against me. Paranoid, you may say, is where I am right now.
People that I thought I could trust I am finding have two faces. Double agents. Finding out bits of information about me and giving it to people who do not need to know what is happening in my life. Betrayal is a horrible thing because it makes us feel so exposed. So vulnerable. So uncertain about life. About ourselves.
Uncertain because I allowed people into my life that never should have been there from the start but I allowed them in because I always try to see the good in people. Always try to see the light that emanates from others. Looking beyond their faults. Their darkness because I know we all carry the good and bad within us. But what I forget is that  there are those who, though they may have light, are more prone to the darkness because they are so unhappy in themselves.
These people are dangerous because they seek out the weaknesses in others and prey on them. Building campaigns against them subtly because they mask their intentions by pretending they are looking out for the best interests of others when in fact their mission is to destroy others. Bring them down. Take them out of the light because in a warped way they enjoy the process of destroying others.
I am also discovering that these same people don't really want solutions to problems. They just like problems because it gives them something to gossip about. Talk about. Distract away from their own shortcomings by pointing out the shortcomings of others. Because when decisions are made to get rid of the problem, they feign surprise and then start a campaign to destroy the person who made the decision to get rid of the problem. Because deep down inside these people are so messed up. So afraid of being discovered for who they are, that they spend their whole lives wrapped up in drama - baiting others to do their dirty work for them so they can stay above the fray.
Inspiration is eluding me today. Creativity is outside of my reach because I am feeling wounded. Wounded from a place deep deep inside because I am suffering from allowing outside influences to influence me rather than trusting my instincts. Trusting the truth that keeps bubbling to the surface of who is real and who is not. Trusting my gut telling me about those who seek to destroy and those who seek to help.
So I am forcing myself to confront what is hampering me. Asking me to explore through my writing what is hampering me. Some words are flowing to me easily while others are coming more slowly because I am trying too hard to understand where I am going rather than just going with the flow. Letting go and letting what is lurking beneath the surface come to the light regardless of who may read my blog. Regardless of what they may say. Remembering this journey is mine and not anyone else's so in order to journey I have to just let my thoughts flow. Not try to understand where it is taking me. Not try to direct its flow. Just let go and do it.
And when I did, the message I finally got is it is so easy to criticize others. To find fault in them. To ridicule them. Mount a campaign against them because we really don't want them to face who we are. It is so easy to bring out the negative in people. Ask them to join campaigns of destruction rather than helping people to improve.
We  have to be so careful that we don't get swept up in the negative energy that lurks beneath the surface. The energy that pretends to be one thing but really is another. Eventually the energy that lurks beneath the surface will come into the light because the light is always stronger than the dark. No truth can be hidden forever. Lies are always exposed for what they are.
And that is why I am so torn today. Torn about what to write,. What to say because I am discovering that there are people right now who are so unhappy with their lives that they make a point of drawing in anyone who may be slightly on the fence to help them to bring down others. While they sit on the sidelines pretending they have no idea what is going on. Orchestrating like the maestros of darkness that they are.
But my message to them and to those who are easily drawn into negativity, remember we reap what we sow. We are never protected from the truth and the light. Eventually all of our shortcomings are exposed. Eventually what we do to others, whether subtly or overtly, will come back to us to show us how we made another feel.
Rather than lurking in the darkness waiting for the next strike, why don't we come out into the light so we can find the sweetness in life and breathe it in. Just breathe it in without any other motive than to just enjoy the freshness of inhaling and the relief of exhaling. That way we will find no need to destroy because we will realise there is enough for all of us when we come from a place of love.

What happens when we see ourselves in our children

What happens when we see ourselves in our children. When they awaken the dragon that has been lying asleep inside of us. The one that has haunted us but we kept it down - hidden in the recesses of our brain. What happens when our children raise the dragon from its sleep and we come face to face with it again through the innocence of our children. When they become the dragon we had carefully put to sleep. Thinking we had ridden ourselves of it but knowing now that unless we deal with it, it begins to breathe fire. consuming us. Consuming them.
What happens when our children become the dragon. Showing us our vulnerabilities, insecurities and hidden aspects of who we are and were. What happens when we come face to face with ourselves through the innocence of our children. When they show us that part of us that no one else knows about except us. What happens when the dragon is awoken? What happens to us and to them?
When happens when it rears its ugly head through our children and our children have no idea they have become us and we have become them. Our two halves blending becoming one. Mighty and strong but yet fragile at the same time because we are too afraid and ashamed to tell our children they are revealing an aspect of who we are. That we have become one. That their behaviour, they are not mature enough to understand, is really our behaviour and not theirs.
What happens when we are teaching our children to be one way when the way they are displaying is the person we once were. The child that did not learn. The child that did not grow. The child that remains waiting for us to meet and take her hand and guide him through the wilderness. How do we get through it together? How do we do so without hurting the other? What happens when the dragon becomes so powerful that it threatens to destroy the relationship we enjoy with our children because we cannot admit to ourselves that our children are displaying our inner most secrets. When they become our inner most secrets and play out what we thought we had hidden. What we thought we had outgrown.
The only way out is to confront ourselves by being honest with our children about how we got to this place. How we came face to face with ourselves through them. How we don't want them to go down the same road as we did. How they have come to show us the way out. The way to amend and reroute the path we once took. To be honest with them and that way we can be honest with ourselves about who we are and were.
It is the woken dragon that teaches us our children are mirrors of who we are. Reflections of our inner most selves such that when we don't heal ourselves, our children become the pain that needs to be healed. The hurt that needs to be addressed and nurtured. And this can only be achieved when we are brave enough to admit that the hurt reflected in their eyes is the hurt we carry deep deep down inside. Allowing us to open our hearts to heal and to love.
That's why we come face to face with our dragons through the innocence of our children because it is then that we truly see what we need to work on to forgive ourselves for not facing our own vulnerabilities. For not addressing our own fears and insecurities. Allowing us to become whole in our own right so that we can be whole for our children and guide them through to the other side. The other side where we both can stand hand in hand watching the dragon we have tamed and let go as it happily flies away releasing us from its fire. Allowing us to move to the next lesson that will come when we are open and honest with our children - some of our greatest teachers on this journey called life.

People who are not afraid of failure

I came across this wonderful quote last week and for some reason I have not explored it until now, "People who are not afraid of failure can go anywhere".
Think about it, People who are not afraid of failure are not worried about what anyone says about them. Not worried about the image they portray because they are not portraying an image, they are living. Are not hampered by the naysayers because they see the naysayers for who they are - dream snatchers and destroyers. Are not restricted by what society believes is the correct way to live and be because they know there is no correct way to live or be - life just is according to where we are in our growth.
People who are not afraid of failure accept that in order to grow, in order explore who they are and who they are not, that they have to challenge themselves. And only themselves. They know they are not competing with anyone else but themselves so what anyone else has to say about their growth has nothing to do with them. They shut out the noise of the world. Close their ears to those who try to bring them down. And they keep forging on. Finding those who share their fearless nature when it comes to failure because they know when they challenge themselves, they will sometimes fail. But what these people understand is there is no such thing as failure - only gateways to what does not suit them. Nudges to move in another direction.
People who aren't afraid of failure would rather keep trying than standing still and just going with the status quo, boring themselves to death. To them remaining with the status quo is failure. Not being brave enough to buck the tide and rise above the rest constitute failure to those who are unafraid to fail. They see opportunity in everything and everyone so they forge ahead no mater what.
People who are not afraid of failure know the only failure is not doing, not starting, not trying. They see failure as a gift. As a means to getting to where they ultimately want to go. Picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and going on despite the mishaps or missteps.
People who are not afraid of failure remain curious about life because they know curiosity keeps them moving. Keeps them going even when they face their greatest challenge. Even when they are terrified, they keep going. They recognise it is the fear that is pushing them to move beyond where they have become complacent.
People who are not afraid to fail can go anywhere, do anything, be anything because they understand they, and only they, hold the key to their success, to their journey. They understand there is no outside challenge or influence that can keep them from their dreams unless they allow them. They know there are no lucky people. Only people who are willing to go where everyone else is afraid to go. Only people who know there are no closed doors, no locked doors - only those we choose to see as impediments, as excuses for why we can't go where we want to go.
So next time, we think we are not capable of achieving or afraid of getting egg on our faces, let's take a page out of the books of those who see failure as a gift and just go for it. The only way people who are not afraid to fail have been able to go anywhere they want is by being unafraid of failure. Unafraid to fall. Unafraid of facing themselves - the only challenge we ever really have to overcome - the challenge of being who we are. Only then can we tap into our essence self. Allowing us to embrace the power of our own being. Liberating us from the bondage of being afraid to fail so we can go anywhere we want, be anything we want. What a wonderful gift to give to ourselves - letting go of the fear of failure and instead seeing it as a gateway to our own success.

Chasing the moonlight

Last night the moon was hiding when I went to bed. Dark night. No light. I searched for it through my normal places. Through my bathroom window. Bedroom windows that face the south to find it nowhere. Sadness at first because I enjoy the moon. Enjoy its light just before I go to sleep. The shadows it casts through my shades. None as I went to bed. Darkness. No shadows. No images. No light.
Then  I woke at 3.30 to find a light shining through my bedroom door shade. Getting up thinking the motion lights had come on only to find the moon high up in the dark sky shining down through my windows. Higher than normal. Lying slightly on its  back. Casting shadows. Images I wanted to see when I went to bed but here they were now. Strange feeling at first because the moon was not where I had anticipated it would be. Not where it normally is when I go to bed nor where it normally is when I wake at that time of the morning. Normally it is shining through my bathroom windows when I awake through the night.
I got up to go to the bathroom. Opened the door and was taken aback by the darkness. The lack of the moon light shining through my windows. Forcing me to turn on the bathroom light rather than rely on the light of the moon. Artificial light in place of the light of the moon. No dancing shadows on my blinds. No light of the moon.
Strange how I have become so attached to the moon and its light shining through my home when I sleep at night. How I have come to expect it to be in places where it was not last night. Only for it to fool me last night and shift its position to the other side of the house. Teaching me the light is always there just not where we expect it to be always but always there nonetheless. That sometimes we have to change our perspective and expectations in order to find the way. To find the light.
That when we expect life to always be a certain way,we will find  ourselves plunged into darkness. And if we continue to live that way, we will never find the light. The light that is always there waiting just for us to find it. Asking us to shift, to be flexible and open. To not be rigid in our thinking. Allowing us to understand that when we are willing to remain open and to adjust the way we live, the way we think, we will find the light. The light that has shifted because its place is no longer where it used to be. As should we.
Letting me know sometimes we have to move on. Move away from that which no longer serves us. No longer fulfills us and in  doing so we will find the light again,. The light that is always there for us. Guiding us to find our way home. To find our truth. To be our truth.
Waking this morning to find the light of the moon still streaming on the opposite side of my home. Reminding me that life is not always meant to be lived exactly the same way. Sometimes we have to be on the opposite side of where we were in order to live our lives to the fullest. In order to bask in the light of the moon. The light that shines for us even on our darkest night.
And as I finish this blog, I could not find the light of the moon. All I could see were the stars illuminating the dark sky from my windows. Casting different shadows. Radiating different light. Making way for the night to become day. For the light of the sun to replace the light of the moon. Letting me know there is a time and place for everything, all when I accept the shifting light of the moon mirrors the shifting light in me.
And then Sally, the cat, wanted to go outside so I opened the door for her and something told me to look up and there was the moon still hanging on. Still lying on its back, high, high up in the sky. almost directly above my home. Explaining why I could not see it through my windows.
Tricky moon, elusive moon, the one I thought I had gone was still there. A puffy cloud to its right and stars, an abundance of stars to its left and above it and I knew somehow the moon was letting me know, its light is always there for me when I am willing to find it. To chase its light and allow it to fill me with hope and love and light. Letting me know in its mysterious way, there is always light when we are willing to adjust the way we view the world. Always. Namaste

The most beautiful things in life

This morning I woke up to one of those mornings when everything feels beautiful, wonderful and free. When my soul felt at one with the Universe and everything in it. When I understood the connection that exists between us all. When I understood that life is so simple yet so complex based on where we are in our growth. When my whole being was tingling like it was in perfect harmony with all that is, was and ever will be. I felt so blessed this morning. So grateful to be me. So grateful for everything that has happened in my life, is happening in my life and will happen in my life. So grateful for everyone that has been in my life, still remain in my life and will come into my life.
For this morning as I stood at my bathroom window looking out at all the abundance that is in my life from my husband walking in our yard looking at nature warming my heart. To the large Poinciana tree that we had cut back just a few years go to its branches and leaves now almost touching the ground looking like the perfect canopy - letting me know that sometimes we have to be cut back in order to blossom beyond where we had stagnated before. In that moment, I knew more than anything everything and everyone that have happened in my life have brought me to this place where I am right now. I was teary eyed not because I was unhappy; but because I felt such pure and unabiding joy. Joy that I chose to come here to live this life as me.
As the girl who ran carefree through the hills of first Cedar Hill then to White Hill. The girl who always had a book, a pen and paper in her hand who dreamed big dreams for herself. Until the unspeakable happened when her world was rocked when her mother died unexpectedly. To the young woman who knew no fear because she felt she had nothing to lose so she just went for it even when she was told she couldn't. To the one who had everything bad that could possibly happen, happen to her during her University years. To the lost one who discovered home was beckoning her back to Bermuda  - the place where she was not too big of a fish but a necessary fish to help her to grow that much more. To the angels that came and stayed in her life - her mentor, who stands by her through thick and thin, her spirit mother who helps to open her eyes to the spiritual world that lives inside of us all waiting for us to recognise it, to the woman who opened the passionate side in her letting her know it was okay to be woman - okay to look up. Allowing her to be open in order to be receptive to the man who helped her to see herself for the first time, helped her to know she had much to offer and that she is love. To the many years of marriage they have endured together - not always pretty but full of love and connection nonetheless. To becoming mother to two of the most wonderful human beings she could ever connect with. To where she is now typing this blog. So full. So full of life. So full of love.
Listening to the sounds of life outside. Kiskadees singing. Someone mowing their lawn. The chick of the village chirping their little songs for the simple reason of acknowledging that they are alive. Windows flung open to allow the gentle breeze to waft through caressing my shoulders sending shivers down my spine. A shower passing through sending the smell of fresh rain through my window and into my being. Taking me to the quote I found a few days ago that was sent to me so that when this moment arrived,. I would understand why it came, "Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss, dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt only by heart."
So true for me this morning. So very true as my whole being is resonating with the natural vibration that is the Universe. That is the interconnectedness of us all. That is the beauty of this life we lead. Sometimes we just need to stop so we can really feel life as it courses through us. As it teaches us to allow ourselves to be free to receive the gifts and treasures of the Universe that are always waiting, waiting for us to receive.
With gratitude and grace for this special moment this morning, Namaste.

Abusive relationships are caused by two broken people

I have debated about whether to write this blog. Debated about whether I wanted to weigh in on the whole Rice domestic violence situation. Debated about whether I wanted to open that Pandora's Box again in my own life. But because I am meant to share my feelings based on a time in my life when I was involved in an abusive relationship, I had to pursue the first sentence that came to my head this morning. The first sentence I wrote to this blog. I tried shifting my mind elsewhere. Tried finding something else to write about but nothing else came so I am following my ritual and going where my mind wants me to go.
I have read with interest the comments that have come out about the whole Rice/ NFL situation despite trying not to. Despite trying to stay away but when the story is repeated over and over again and the photos keep catching my eye, I know their story is my story. The story I had the advantage of being able to work through in private rather than having to face the public scrutiny of the world. I am writing more so because I saw the fear in the eyes of Mrs. Rice and the fear in the eyes of her abuser, Mr. Rice - as they faced the world about a private and shameful part of their lives. A fear I knew all too well when I was involved in an abusive relationship. A fear that can be very dangerous if not dealt with in a compassionate manner.
The one thing I really worry about now that their dirty little secret has been aired for the whole world to see is what happens next? I worry about the daughter they have who may not understand it now but will when she is older. When she potentially will be bullied or will bully because people will probably tease her about her abusive father. About her fallen father. Her disgraced father all because everyone else condemned and judged a relationship that is really none of our business. None of anyone's business but the Rice couple themselves.
I am surprised by the venom coming from people. The judgement against him. The judgement against her. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, what I know for sure is there are two people who cause the abuse to happen and two people who allow it to continue to happen. And the two people are exclusively the people involved in the relationship. I also know the only way the abuse will stop is when the two people in the relationship want it to stop. No amount of outside intervention, pressure or judgement will stop the behaviour that is occurring in an abusive relationship. All that outside intervention will do is cause the abuse to continue and in some cases escalate because what people who have never been in an abusive relationship fail to know is that both people in the relationship are broken. Both are fragile. Both are insecure.
The abuser uses his power in ways that are not good. He or she wields such control and power over the abusee that the abusee begins to cower even more and comes to expect to be abused. And in a perverse way, the abusee does things unknowingly and unwittingly to provoke being abused because that is the only way she knows she is loved and needed. Domestic violence - abusive relationships develop between two very insecure people who are trying their hardest to be tough to the outside world. Trying to portray an image that is not them. Trying so hard to be what everyone else wants them to be that once they get behind closed doors, the pressure becomes too much for them to bear that they lash out at each other until the anger is so great that the only way they know how to diffuse it is to abuse. To control each other. Both feeling like they are the victims in the exchange.
The abuser feeling like he is not heard so he lashes out to gain  his power back. The abusee feeling like she is not heard and keeps screaming or provoking until the abuser stops her from attacking by attacking. Both attacking each other in ways no one outside of an abusive relationship could ever understand.
The abusee after the incident carries the physical scars on her face and/or body, shame in his heart, despair in her soul for the broken life he leads. While the abuser carries the mental scars of what he or she has done. And the cycle repeats itself over and over again until one gets out. Until one realises there is more to life than being tormented. But even when the one gets out, unless she works on herself to discover what it is he is running from, she will seek out another abuser. Another controller and find himself right back in the same situation . Only this time with a different face.
So when I see the pain on the faces of the Rice couple, I know their journey is nowhere done. I know they are still fragile. And what makes it worse for their healing, their growth is that the whole world got to see them at their weakest point. I know some of you will argue that he is a monster and she a victim and that he deserves to lose his job. But having been in an abusive relationship, what I fear is what will happen to them both now? Two people who have been exposed to the world for their insecurities who have not been able to face them in private. Will they combust? Will they turn on each other even more? Could they be driven to a murder suicide situation?
I worry about the lack of compassion being shown to this couple - young couple - who suddenly find themselves thrust into the spotlight for a situation that was a private moment but because nothing is private anymore, all of us got to see. Believe me, I am not condoning what was done but I do believe all we saw was a small bit of what has been happening in their lives. I just hope they both get the help they need to grow, to understand why they were attracted to each other and stayed with each other knowing what they were capable of doing to each other.
I just hope these young people's lives have not been destroyed because we, as the public, were so hungry to judge them, to cast them out so much so that we became the abusers as well. Only getting satisfaction when the man who we call the abuser was fired from his job. Leaving him in a place where he may never be able to support his family again. Leaving him exposed to the whole world with a wife and a child. Escalating his insecurities even more. All I hope is they get the help they need.
Domestic violence is prevalent - more so than we will ever know-  and the reason it is, is because two broken people are attracted to each other and the only way they know how to resolve their brokenness is to break each other physically and mentally. To bring each other down to the place they understand. And there is no amount of outside intervention that can help unless one or both people in the abusive relationship are ready to face their demons. I know because that was the only way I got out. The only way I was able to end the cycle was to work on me and to continue to work on me until I felt worthy enough to be in a relationship that I did not need to be abused in order to feel loved.
I just hope and pray the Rices are able to do the same. I am sharing my story and feelings about being involved in an abusive relationship because I hope in doing so, I can help someone involved in one in private to know she is not alone. That he is not a bad person; just a broken person who needs help. Because as this wonderful African proverb says, "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."

When we look

When we look
Look
Deep inside
Deep
Deep
Inside
Our soul
We discover
There is so much
So much
Waiting for us
Waiting for us
To unlock
To discover
To see
To feel
To know
About
Who we are
What we are
Why we are
Where we are
When we take the time
To look
To really look
And examine
Ourselves
We understand
We always
Always
Hold the key
The key
To unlock
Our identity
That identity
So unique to who we are
And who we are not
That allows us to stop
To really stop
Following the flock
And instead
Gives us the strength
The permission
Even when we are lost
And afraid
To step out
Out from the darkness
Out into the light
Allowing us to be
Where our hearts are free
Our souls open
Our eyes wide
Exactly where
We are meant to be
Always meant to be
Always have been
Not in the darkness
Hiding from ourselves
Afraid to fail
Afraid to be
Who we are
Forgetting that failure
Is not to stop us
But to help us
To grow
Into the person
We asked
To come here to be
When we take the time
To stop
To look
To really look
In our own eyes
We see lurking
Deep
Deep down
Our essence self
Beckoning us
Asking us
To stop
To see
Who we are
Really are
To be
Who we are
Really are
Beneath the protective layers
Beneath the persona
To our core
Showing us
There are infinite possibilities
Waiting
Waiting
Just for us
When we stop
Truly stop
And look
Deep
Deep within
Where all the answers lie
Where the truth resides
Waiting for us
And only us
To find who we are
Why we are
What we are
Where we are
When we look
Look
Deep
Deep Within

So grateful to be part of the gratitude chain

There is a natural goodness in us all. A natural peace in us all. And every once in a while that natural goodness combines with that natural peace and does something like what is occurring on Facebook right now. Someone started a chain of gratitude that is spreading like wildfire and I am honored to be a part of this chain. Of this group that is spreading love and light in our own individual ways.
By expressing our individual gratitude, we are adding to the collective consciousness that is all of us. And by connecting, we are increasing the positive vibration. The positive vibration that will help to shift the way we feel as a whole. Shifting us from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance.
Normally I try to stay away from chains. However this chain is one that resonates with me from a deeper level because I know how effective and life changing expressing gratitude can be. I began my grateful journal during a very dark time in my life and at first it was really difficult to find anything to be grateful for. But each day I found it became easier and easier to find something to be grateful for. I also discovered the more grateful I am, the more doors open for me.
Today is my fifth and last day of the challenge and I am so glad I took part in a public way in expressing my gratitude. Even though my challenge ends today, my expression of gratitude will not.
As many of you know I have been writing a grateful journal every day for the last 18 years. And I have to say that it is this practice every night that helps to ground me. Helps to keep me to from sinking into the pits of darkness.
Over the years of practicing this nightly ritual before going to bed, I find I am able to shift my feelings of sadness and emptiness to feelings of fullness. To fully feel those days when everything goes right. The minute I start to write my gratitude for the day, I feel my whole being shifting because I know there is always something to be grateful for. Always. And it is this ritual that reminds me that there is always something good occurring in our lives. Always something to be grateful for. Allowing me to see through through the darkness into the light.
Taking the time each day to write what I am grateful for teaches me every single day that life is truly good even on those days when we feel like nothing is going right in our lives. On those days when someone does something unkind that makes us question who we are and what was the point of the act. It is those days when I realise the simplest gestures, the simplest acts are the ones that I am the most grateful for. Like waking up. Breathing. Seeing another day. My family. My home. Love.
So for those who have taken up the challenge to express gratitude for 5 days publicly, I hope you will continue to tap into the natural goodness and peace that are innate in us all by continuing to express gratitude for everything and everyone that come into your lives as I do every single day.
The practice of gratitude allows me to accept that everything and everyone, even those who we believe may not be good, come to teach us something about who we are and who we are not. So for whatever the act may be or the circumstance may be, when we express gratitude for it coming into our lives, we accept we are on a learning path just as they are. We accept that life is full of ups and downs, mishaps and wrong turns but each one of these things is helping us to grow into who we are. And away from who we are not.
Gratitude helps us to see this and to feel and know we are worthy. Hopefully this chain of expressing public gratitude will help those who have not practiced gratitude before to continue to do. Because expressing gratitude teaches us there is always, always something to be grateful for. And for me it is one of the most liberating things I do for my soul because it reconnects me to the One Source from where we all emanate every single night just before I close my eyes and go to sleep.
May gratitude always have a place in our lives and for this chain of gratitude for introducing many to the practice, I am truly grateful. Namaste

In the richness of the Harvest, Pisces Moon

Last night at 10.38 I rushed to the door of my bedroom to admire the light of the Harvest Moon at its peak. I stood taking in its light. My husband came and stood by me and took my hand and led me outside where we stood together, holding each other as we faced the light of the moon together. Waves of love and light spreading through me as we stood in silence. Taking in all the energy the moon and the atmosphere had to offer. And then when he was done, he walked back inside. Neither of us speaking. Neither of us feeling the need to speak as we each took from the moment that which was meant for us individually as well as what was meant to be shared together as a couple.
After my husband went inside, I realised I had been afraid to go outside on my own. Afraid of the frogs - I mean I do love Mr. Kingpin being around but I don't want him to hop on me. But once my husband had led me outside, the fear disappeared and instead was replaced by a strength and fearlessness that is hard to describe. A connection to the all that is ever present replaced all of my human limitations with the possibility that goes way beyond them.
As I stood in silence facing the light of the moon with a C shaped reddy orange light seemingly illuminating it even more and holding it up, I looked at the clouds that had formed just beneath the moon and felt like it was taking me into another dimension. A dimension within a dimension. The cloud formation layered like it was something celestial that was full of all that is, was and ever will be. Almost like a stairway to the Original Source.
Then my eyes were drawn to a latticework like formation of clouds to the right of the moon. As I stared at the clouds, an intense feeling of dread went through me as the clouds looked quite menacing. Evil almost with a face that looked demonic. Interrupting my moment of peace with a feeling of absolute terror as the clouds seemed to have these piercing eyes with stars as pupils and a mouth that was shaped in an O. The O seeming like the gateway to infinity. Its presence somehow snaking into my being - sending waves of heat through my body. Not releasing me until it was ready. Until I was ready.
But then just like that, I was released from the spell of the menacing cloud and  my eyes were drawn further to the right where I found solace in another cloud formation. This cloud formation was in the shape of my long gone Mysty Blue, my rabbit. Filling me with joy. Relief even after having experienced the terror of the evil cloud formation. Mysty wiping away my fear all together as she sat looking down over me in the night sky. Filling me with love. And once again peace returned.
I stood for ages looking at the night sky realizing that when I first came out, I could not really see anything except the moon and the stars of the night sky. But in the time I had been out there, my eyesight had adjusted to the night light and all around me was illuminated. Everything full of light. Allowing me to accept even in our darkest times, there is always light when we are patient enough and allow ourselves to be at one with where we are, there is always light.
I thought about the menacing cloud formation that had long since dissipated and how that cloud formation had been right next to my Mysty cloud formation and realized the Universe had been sending me a message. And that message was even where there is evil, there is always good. If we allow ourselves to see through the bad that is happening, we will always find good.
Feelings of hope and inspiration spread through me as I knew the Harvest Moon had drawn me outside so that I could see and understand that life is full of good and evil, darkness and light but when I allow myself to surrender to experience what I am meant to experience, I will see there is always truth and light even when I feel I am facing my darkest night. That there is remedy for everything within reach.
Last night I stood in the light of the Harvest moon, turning from front to back, left to right, trying to take in the fullness of its light, the richness of its message and understood that there is so much out there that resides within me. I understood totally that there is no need to feel less than because I am part of the vastness that exists. I am the Harvest moon, the menacing cloud,  the cloud formation that was my Mysty, the C shaped reddy orange light that held up the moon, the atmosphere. I am all that exists and that makes me special as it does you, As it does all of us.
In gratitude for my moment with the Harvest Moon, the Pisces moon, the spirit of my son born under the Pisces star sign for allowing me to understand the richness and the complexity of life are all there waiting for me to live, to be, to embrace. To know I am much more than the physical. I am all. As are you. As are we all. In the richness of the Harvest, Pisces Moon, I say Namaste

Life is definitely coloured by the lens through which we view it

Life is definitely coloured by the lens through which we view it. We determine what we see, feel and hear by the way we approach life. Some of us look at life from a perspective of gratitude and harmony. Others, no matter how much they have, are always looking for more. And because of this become envious of others very quickly by overlooking all they have been blessed with.
This weekend was one of those weekends that allowed me to recognise just how much I have to be grateful for. Just how much I have that is so right compared to what it so wrong. It was a weekend of family togetherness. Each of us coming out of our rooms, out of our individual spaces and being together. Truly together. Saturday, our daughter wanted to take her friends out on our little boat. Swelling my husband's heart that she wanted to not only go out on his new baby; but she wanted to invite friends along too. So as a result, my son and I were roped into going by my husband to chaperon and to help with the lines on the boat.
Before going, my son and  I were both thinking we had better things to do than to go out on the boat but we went along reluctantly. Not wanting to ruin Sedona's joy. And were both of us glad we did. We both ended up really enjoying being out on the water. The ocean was so clear we could see right to the bottom. The atmosphere perfect. The sky oh so blue. When we anchored the boat in the beautiful and picturesque Paradise Lakes, even the fish came along to enjoy our party as a school of grunts with some snappers swam alongside the boat. The water too inviting for us to remain on the boat, so all of us went in for a swim. The water refreshing. All of us playing in the water and having a great time together.
Yes you read right - me in the water - the non water person - twice in one week! And I thoroughly enjoyed myself even swimming out to a buoy with my husband and the children. Well not really swimming but paddling along in my own way but feeling very proud of myself for doing so.
Then yesterday was my husband's job family fun day at the beach. Again taking us near to the ocean. Looking out over the beach seeing all the people basking in the sun, families outside enjoying themselves together the good old fashioned way without a lot of extravagance, again my heart felt full. I felt like the luckiest person in the world to be born in a place where there is more sunshine than there is rain ( well almost except for the month of August). Where there is the beautiful ocean that surrounds us everyday. Pink sand beaches that feels so soft against my feet. Where there is so much greenery because of the August rains - everything looks so lush. So full . So abundant.
My daughter brought along one of her girlfriends with her and they stayed in the water the whole time. Their hands wrinkled by the time they got out. My son, who normally stays in his room, spent the afternoon in the water as well. The three of them snorkelling together appreciating the beautiful fish swimming in the water from large parrot fish to cow fish to yellow grunts. When my son came out of the water, he said, he wishes he could live in  the water, he loves it so much. My Pisces son who I reminded of his birth sign telling him he truly is a fish at heart.
Just as the fun day was coming to an end, the heavens opened and the rain came down. A good downpour just to cool the air a bit. The children stayed in the ocean not even bothered by the rain while my husband and I sat under the tents also not bothered by the rain as we laughed and chatted with people that were there. Making new friends, reacquainting with others.
As we were leaving the fun day, the rain clouds long since vanished and the sun out in full, we came across a lady with her children and she commented on the party noodles I had in my hand asking me if we had enjoyed the party. I believe she was a tourist. I told her we had. I then asked her how her day had been. To which she responded, "It was good until the rain came."
I have to admit I was taken aback by her comment. I could not believe she had allowed a downpour which had lasted all of about half an hour to colour her day. To not appreciate that the rain came for such a short time during the day that it seemed so insignificant to the rest of the beautiful sunny, picture perfect day.
I answered her by saying, "And  look what came after the rain, this beautiful evening."
As we were driving back home, we talked about the woman and how she had allowed such a short time of rain to be what she remembered from the day. Making me realise that sometimes we focus on what goes wrong rather than on what goes right. We allow the smallest mishap to colour our view of the world rather than looking at all that goes well.
If only we could remember to focus on that which makes us feel good rather than on what does not and to express gratitude for all we have rather than being anxious for what we do not, what a wonderful world it would be.
It's Monday morning let's all try to express gratitude for all that we have. For waking up this morning. Rather than being angry or vengeful for what we don't have. Because I truly believe life is coloured by the lens through which we look. So it is up to us to change the lens in order to have the life we really want.
Happy Monday everyone and have a wonderful week filled with gratitude and love. Focussing on our blessings rather than on our trials, changing the lens through which we see life, so we can truly see just how much we have to be grateful for. Namaste

Compassion is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves

The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to the world is compassion. So many of us spend so much time finding fault in others. Judging others. Waiting for them to do something wrong. Hoping they do something wrong so we can swoop in like a murder of crows and pick over the carnage. Gleeful they faltered while we remain unscathed. So we falsely believe.
So many of us spend so much time trying to make ourselves feel important by diminishing the light of others. Without realizing that when we do this, we are actually diminishing the light for not just the one but for us all.
Compassion teaches us to see the world through the eyes of others. To feel their pain. To understand that they are doing the best they can and sometimes they will mess us just as we will. Forgetting that the only way to escape making a mistake is to stay in our lane and never move outside of it while dying of boredom on the inside. When we step outside of our lane, we will find situations we have never encountered before and therefore we may err in our ways. Helping us to accept none of us are perfect. None of us get it right 100% of the time.
Therefore it is not up to us to condemn anyone unless they make it a practice of condemning themselves and others as well. Because when we condemn and they condemn all that is created is oppression and a lot of bad energy. A vicious cycle of bad karma that never ends.
I am getting so tired of people who put themselves in the middle of everyone else's drama and then wonder why all they see is drama. Drama loves to be with drama because it is so much easier to focus on the shortcomings of others than it is so see our own shortcomings and work on them. By projecting over there we falsely believe we are taking the light off ourselves. Taking the heat away from ourselves but in fact the opposite happens - we bring the shortcoming into our hearts where it stays and grows. Until we find we can't breathe anymore without disrupting someone else's life to deflect away from us.
If only we could practice compassion more and see that when people make mistakes, when people fail, they are doing so so they can learn. So they can grow. So they can understand more about themselves. It is not for anyone else to judge them. Not for anyone else to try to bring them down. Not for anyone to spread malicious gossip about them. It is a cry for help sometimes as well.
So instead of contributing to the negative energy that comes from bringing another down, why don't we learn and practice compassion instead. Helping rather than hindering. Growing together rather than keeping each other down in the dark pits of loathing and wondering why the sun never shines on us. Wondering why everyone else has good luck rather than us.
If we look at those who bask in the sunlight, those whose lives are moving on, we will discover it is because they are looking out for the best interests of  themselves and then they extend those feelings to those who cross their paths. Not afraid to share the light with others because they know there is an abundance of light, not a scarcity. they live life knowing there is enough light for everyone. They understand there is no need to throw anyone in the shade in order for the light to remain on them.
So next time, we are drawn into drama, think about how we would feel if we were the subject of the drama being created and if we would not like it, then we need to walk away from those who lurk in the dark shadows hoping to pull anyone with light into their dark and malicious world. And instead we need to find those who know there is an abundance and light and be with them.
Only then will we be able to shift our energy from one of darkness to light. Only then will we be able to bask in the sunshine and come out of the pits of darkness. Only then will we know compassion, love and light because we honestly want it for ourselves and in wanting it for ourselves we are happy when others receive it as well.

Who are we anyway?

Who are we anyway
What gives one of us the desire to triumph over another at the expense of the other
Why do we look at each other from a point of envy
Of wanting to win over the other
Leave the other behind
When really we need each other
Who are we anyway
What are we really here to do
Why do we put a face on in front of one and don another in front of others
Why do we not remain true to who we are
When being someone else exhausts us and makes us hurt on the inside
Why do we think it is easier to be someone that we are not
Who are we anyway
Particularly when we stand still long enough
And observe fully that as we age
As we mature
We learn no matter how hard we try to run
No matter how hard we try to hide from the truth
From our truth
Life has a funny way of always bringing us face to face with who we are
Whether we are ready to see who we are or not
Because if we continue to hide behind the veils
Continue to be who we are not
Eventually we are brought face to face with ourselves
By being rejected, shunned, or ostracized by the very people we are pretending in front of
Because eventually they get tired of our two facedness
Eventually they get tired of our shenanigans
And we are left standing
Standing all alone
Wondering what happened
Questioning who we are and why we are here
Standing in front of the mirror
Trying hard to put the shattered pieces of ourselves back together again
Unable to fully see who we are
Unable to come to terms with the image that is staring back at us
The broken one
Broken into millions of little pieces
Fragile as hell
That's why it is so much better for us to question who we are really
To be brave enough to remain silent to listen to the answer that comes back
To allow ourselves to feel the vibes when we are in places and with people that do nothing for us
That disappoint us because we thought they were one way when in fact they are another
Nothing like what we thought
But then it is not up to us to condemn them or judge them
No, it is up to us to find those who make us happy
Those who accept us for who we are
Those who bring us joy
Those who will be in our corner no matter what
Those who truly bring light into our lives
So that we can bring light into our own lives and then share it with them
Giving and receiving
Sharing
Reciprocating
Not just taking
Who are we anyway
What are we here to do
Are we here to support each other
Are we here to remember that ultimately we are all one
That what we do to one
We do to all
Because our energy is universally connected
Our lives spring from the same core
Allowing us to remember
Absent of ego
We recognize we are all
And all is us
Opening us to know
That is who we are
That is why we are
There is no one
There is only everyone
Who are we anyway
We are anyway
Because we are always
Who we are
Where we are

Every day I am learning more about myself

Every day I learn more about myself as a person through parenting my children. Every day I come face to face with some childhood scar that remains deep down below the surface when I am parenting. All the things that went wrong for me, I want more than anything to protect my children from ever experiencing. Every hurt I had, I want to protect my children from experiencing. And some days I get it wrong. Some days I project myself too much on my children and I end up hurting them more than I ever intended. And when that happens I feel hurt, like a failure.
I feel like I have failed them as a mother when I see the pain in their faces for decisions I have made that impact them. I feel so sad that I have taken away a discovery they may have made on their own without me intervening. Without me trying to right their wrongs for them before they happen rather than letting them go out and face the wrong so they can know what they are capable of and what they are not.
And in those instances where I do, when I feel their pain and see their pain, I am learning to apologize to them. I am learning to tell them that it is very hard being a parent. Very hard tying to strike the balance between letting them fall and being there to pick them up and intervening to cushion their fall.
I am learning that no matter how grown we are when I see my children about to plunge into something that I know will scar them, my inner frightened child emerges and wants to take the hands of my children and pull them through the wilderness unscathed. Child to child. shielding them from the pain. But what I am learning through my children is that I am not meant to be there to direct. I am only meant to be there to guide. To give them the tools to make informed decisions about the circumstances they may find themselves in.So that they don't walk into any situation where I have background that could put them at risk. That could leave them vulnerable and exposed.
I am learning that parenting is not just limited to me nor my husband. I am learning that parenting shifts from parent to child and from child to parent on occasions because we are all parenting each other. All learning and teaching each other and teaching and learning each other. And when we recognise this important piece of the puzzle for parenting, we find we learn something new every single day about ourselves. We accept that the pain we experienced as children helped us to grow into the adults we are today and sometimes there are experiences our children must go through in order to learn compassion and how to go on even after experiencing  horrible hurt.
On those days when I feel like I have failed as a parent, I am learning that that failure is allowing a breakthrough for me and for my children because the failure is opening the door for us to explore something more about each other that would not have been possible before. What I am also learning is that we have to let our children know when we have overstepped the boundaries and let them know we have confidence in them to be who they came here to be. Making them aware that sometimes we will get it wrong as parents because we are human. And because we are human we will make mistakes.Just like they will.
Parenting is one of the hardest roles I will ever have because it means I have to look at myself every single day to determine if I am setting the example for my children to go out into the world equipped to deal with whatever comes their way. I have to examine my actions to make sure my children see compassion, love, giving, forgiving and most of all vulnerability. Because I am learning over and over again that it is not what we say to our children that matters, it is how we live that matters because that's what stays with them. That's what they will emulate. That's what grows them into who they become.
And most of all I accept every day I am learning more about myself through the eyes of my children when I see their expressions reflected back to me about the effect I have on their lives. And some days I do better than others I know. But that's the challenge - the challenge of being a parent - a good parent, an effective parent. A parent that understands there is a delicate balance between living my children's lives for them by directing them every step of the way and allowing my children to live their lives by guiding them so they can make informed decisions about what is good for them and what is not. So they can grow wings to be whomever they came here to be; not who I, or anyone else, wants them to be.

War does not beget peace

No matter how hard we try to stay away from drama

No matter how hard we want to live a life of peace

There are those who thrive on drama

And do not and cannot know peace

Because if they were to surrender to peace

They would have to surrender to themselves

And really work on themselves

And that requires some real soul searching 

That many cannot handle

Because it is so much easier in their minds

To blame everyone else for where they find themselves

So instead they focus on creating drama

Because it takes them away from the lives they do not have

The lives they feel trapped in

And so they seek out the peacemakers

Because they want to prove 

There is no such thing as a peacemaker

No such thing as peace

Because it eludes them

So it must not be true in  their minds

And they are hell bent on proving its untruth

No matter who they sweep up in their wake

No matter how many lives they destroy

Relationships they may ruin

They chip away and chip away until they find an opening

A way to get into the peacemaker's lives

And try their best to disrupt the peaceful way the peacemaker lives

They try their best to show to the world 

Peacemakers are not peaceful

Not peaceful at all

But what they don't realise is 

Peacemakers are always at peace 

Even when they aren't

Peacemakers don't have to prove anything to anyone

Peacemakers know they are at peace from a place deep down inside

They also know that sometimes

There is no way to stop

No way to stop

The inevitable from happening

That in some instances 

They can't protect themselves forever from having to confront

That which is seeking them

That which is anxious to confront them

Peacemakers know there are those who are trying 

And wanting more than anything to confront them

Pull them into their drama

And reduce them to their level

But peacemakers know even when confronted

That the only way to confront the one who wants to confront

Is to be who they are at all times

To remain grounded in their beliefs

Remain true to the values they represent

No matter how hard the one who wants to confront

Wants to drag the peacemakers into the mud

No matter how hard the one who wants to confront tries to ensnare the peacemakers

And pull them into their murky world

Throughout it all when peacemakers remain true to who they are

No matter how hard the war makers try

Peacemakers know the war makers will eventually exhaust themselves

Revealing their true intentions

And pull not the peacemakers 

But themselves out into the light

For the whole world to see

Peace is much greater than war

Because wars are not won until the wager of war

Learns to confront herself

Or himself 

Until the war maker recognizes that the only war being fought

Is the war with himself or herself
Peacemakers know in their heart of hearts

War does not destroy peace

Unless the peacemaker gives in to the battle 

That has nothing to do with her

Nothing to do with him

And becomes the war maker trying to find peace

Rather than remaining as the peacemaker

Who knows peace all along

And lives from a place of love and light

Compassion and Forgiveness

Not seeking to destroy anyone to make herself look better

But living life shining light onto himself 

Then sharing that light with those who so choose to embrace it
Knowing always

War does not beget peace

Only peace begets peace