I absolutely love being a mother

I absolutely love being a mother. It is one of the most rewarding roles I have ever taken on in my life as well as one of the most challenging. Wanting to give my children as much rope as I can so they can fly while at the same time keeping a hold of the rope so they know they are loved no matter what. Trying to find that delicate balance of holding on while letting go. Of knowing my children are here to live their lives. Not mine.

I look into their eyes sometimes and am mesmerized by what I see, by what I feel. I look at their bodies and am surprised by how much they are growing and maturing, becoming adults very quickly. I listen to their words and am proud of their depth and breadth of life.

I was reminded of this the other night when my family went out for dinner to celebrate my husband’s birthday. Sometimes I found myself having an out of body experience – looking on my family with pride from a position outside of us.

To watch and listen to my son and daughter – their quick wit, mature sense of humor and ability to deliver one liners without changing their expressions is so interesting to watch. And then seeing them sometimes reverting back to that place of need – that place between child and adult is so fascinating. So exhilarating to know they have their whole lives still ahead of them if that is what the Divine has in store for them.

Their recollection of events and information they have picked up along the way and being able to relay their understanding and comprehension of it with such conviction and passion made my heart sing. Listening to them having their own opinions about life and what they have learned is heartwarming because I know they are becoming their own people able to stand on their own two feet. Individuals sprung from the same DNA but using it according to their own will.

I loved listening to them, not as their mother, but as an individual sometimes just so I could hear them from an outsider’s perspective and be able to not judge so I could let them go. Let them explore who they are and what they want without my influence. Guiding them but not directing them. As Khalil Gibran says we are the vessels through which they come.

I love watching my children interacting with each other. The love and respect they have for each other is a beautiful thing to witness because they have a bond that I had always hoped for when we decided to have more than one child. Allaying my fears that one child would feel more loved than the other. Watching them together lets me know they both know they are loved in their own special way. And in turn they are able to love each other so deeply and openly.

To be honest I was afraid to have another child after our son because I feared I would not be able to love another in the way I fell in love with him when he was born. But love has a funny way of splitting itself while remaining whole at the same time when it comes to motherhood and children. As it did and does for me right now.

The love I have for my children is unlike any love I have ever known. It is an instinctual love full of pride and reverence. It is a love that comes from my core and expands with each child. It is pure and absolutely unadulterated.

I never wanted to be a mother because I was afraid I would leave my children before they were ready as my mother did with me when I suddenly became a motherless daughter at the age of 13. But what I realize more than anything now that I am a mother is my mother leaving me so abruptly and unexpectedly, though heartbreaking at the time and still to some extent now, was preparing me to become the caring and compassionate mother I am today for my children.

Her death taught me to never take anything for granted. To be present for my children. To love them unconditionally and to let them know all the time how much I love them and how much they mean to me so if I have to leave them suddenly and move on to the next world, they will know they were loved and will continue to carry my love with them no matter where they go.

To teach them that a life filled with love is much greater than a life without love.  To show them to live as fully as they can and as compassionately as they can because tomorrow is promised to no one. Lessons I would never have learned had I not become a mother. That’s why I love being a mother because by becoming a mother I know so much more about love, compassion, faith, forgiveness, trust and letting go while holding on without strangling.

In gratitude to my children for choosing me as their mother and to my husband for choosing me as his partner allowing us to be the growing and loving family we are today. Namaste

Happy 60th Birthday Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey, one of my greatest teachers in the world, turned 60 yesterday. What a milestone for her. For me. For us to have someone like her inhabit the same space as we do. Someone who is the epitome of, I can be anything I want as long as I believe, go out there and work twice as hard and put myself out there to be lauded or laughed out by the masses. Regardless of where I come from or look like. And I do it well.

A woman with a funny name who grew up in the time when women with dark skin were not considered to be beautiful. When we were considered to be too ethnic to break down the barriers created by our own race as well as others who had an image of what beautiful was. A woman who came from a family that had nothing and had an outhouse to a woman, as she now says,  is flying around the world in her own airplane and has not one indoor bathroom but many. Not one house but many.

I believe she is successful because she felt she had nothing to lose – the world was already against her anyway as she did not meet any of the expectations that anyone had of the beautiful or the privileged. She achieved because she was the underdog and used that position as a position of strength because she recognized from early on the only person that could define or limit her is none other than herself. She decided she was going to be somebody who lived a life of service. And she did just that and continues to do just that.

Oprah gives so much of herself to us that she is rewarded in kind by the Universe. For putting herself out there as a woman not ashamed of from whence she has come to be able to embrace her past as part of why she is so resilient. Why she is a champion of life.

Any woman or person, for that matter, who can sit by an oak tree in the most underprivileged way and see its beauty, its true beauty and resilience, can move mountains by the power of her being. Her presence. Any person who can look herself in the mirror and say sure people are trying to define me, tell me what I can and cannot be, but it is entirely up to me to make my way, deserves every success she gets. Because she is the true embodiment of the God self – the one who knows her own strength and power.

I held Oprah’s hand and looked in her eyes once on a cold spring day in NYC as we prepared to walk for the O magazine and was in awe so much I did not know what to do. But what I realized more than anything from her that day is that she is a woman just like me – a woman with a story to tell, a life to live, gratitude to give and service to offer. A woman who is vulnerable, imperfect and scared sometimes but does not use those excuses as a means to keep her confined and defined by the perception of others. A woman who has learned to step in our own power and claim it for what it is giving her the ability to grow and mature from the eyes of wisdom and empathy.

I am eternally grateful to be in the time of Ms. Oprah Winfrey because she alone has changed the complexion of success, perseverance, and grace by never forgetting her roots and more importantly never forgetting to express gratitude for who she is, where she is and what she is still here to do.

Sixty years only nine years more than the time I have walked this Earth – boy do I have a lot of catching up to do – but what better role model than Ms. Oprah to emulate and pursue – what an absolute dream.

Happy belated 60^th Birthday to a woman, Ms. Oprah Winfrey, who knows her own strength and refuses to shrink under it and goes for it every single day in a giving and global way. Thank you for all the doors you have opened for me and my daughter just by being you and only you. Namaste.

What couples need more than anything

Sometimes as couples we take each other for granted. And the longer we have been together, the more prone we are to expect the other to know what the other wants without asking or speaking. Sometimes we don’t see each other because we think we see each other every day. We forget to update each other on what’s going on because we think intuitively we know what’s going on in each other’s lives because we are in each other’s lives every day.

So every once in a while it is very important to carve out time for each other. To really see each other. To really be present with each other and to be in each other’s space without the distractions of everyday life.  To allow us to be free and not clouded by the things we have to do. Fully present in each other’s lives. No children. No work obligations. No thinking about what’s going on over there. But surrendering to the moment. To what’s right in front of us. Us.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday and we didn't have plans to do anything as a couple as we are planning a family dinner with our children tonight- nothing fancy just the four of us in each other’s company away from everyday life. However when I thought about how much my husband and I have been like two ships passing in the night. Existing in each other’s lives but not fully present with each other, I called him to ask him if he wanted to go for lunch.  At first he had every excuse in the book about why he couldn't go and was even surprised at the suggestion that we could do lunch together because it had been that long since we had taken time out to be together as a couple for lunch.

Eventually he acquiesced and we made a date for a local restaurant – no frills, no extravagance -  just the two of us for lunch - and it turned out to be one of those great moments that will go down in our couple memory books. We took time out of our busy lives as individuals to reconnect as a couple. To really see each other. To really hear each other. To reconnect and it was one of those magical couple moments that is hard to describe but so necessary.

What I learnt from being totally present with my husband was that we really do have  a wonderful relationship. A relationship that is up and down and all over the place sometimes. A relationships that challenges us both but at the same time anchors us both. That we really connect on a level that is much deeper than any surface relationships that sometimes we don’t give each other enough credit for.

I realized our relationship is a relationship built on many years of love and trust and faith and that’s why we are able to weather so many storms together. I also believe our connection existed before we inhabited these physical bodies and probably will exist when we leave this physical plane because we are true soul mates.

We do not have the love that you read about in story books all the time but we have a love that endures, grows and strengthens us. Allowing us to reach those pivotal romantic moments as we did yesterday when we gave each other each other without question, expectation or demand. And that’s what it takes to have an enduring love to be in each other’s presence – fully present and open to each other.

I am so grateful we gave each other to each other yesterday because our time together  allowed me to understand that true love is much deeper and more lasting than romantic love because true love knows that it is the gift of time dedicated to each other that allows us to know what love really is. No frills. Nothing fancy. Just respecting and being present for each other allowing us to remember why we came together in the first place. So important for couples to remember and to reconnect as we did yesterday. And what’s even more important is I realized we are not bad for an old married couple of 21 nearly 22 years particularly when we realize we actually do enjoy each other’s company and love each other in ways indescribable.

A few stolen moments worth a lifetime of joy. Exactly what every couple needs more than anything from time to time.

Choose wisely the five people we are with the most

I read yesterday the five people we spend the most time with are who we become so we need to choose those five carefully and wisely. That message stayed with me for the day forcing me to reflect on what it really means to me. And the more I reflected on it. the more I realized that sometimes we choose the five people that we are closet with and other times we choose who to release. Who to let go in order to make way for the five that will enable us to grow and to change. To experience and learn the lessons we asked to learn.

I also realized those five include the people in our homes. The ones we have chosen to be with including our spouses and our children. They become our equalizers because we cannot hide who we are from them as they are in our space every single day. They help to mold us as we do them. They ground us as we do them. We watch each other and become each other without realizing it. We love each other some days and hate each other the next. Recognizing there is a thin line between love and hate.

Our closet relationships are a reflection of where we are in our lives. Those that remain constant are the greatest teachers we could ask for because they weather every storm with us. Create every storm within us. They are our balance. Our yin and yang. The greatest mirror we can ever hold up to reflect ourselves. Because they are us as we are them. Mingling. Mixing. Sometimes up and sometimes down.

Those in our homes are our constants and then the rest come and go. Some that only remain for short periods of our lives. They come to help us to understand something about ourselves. That something that we can’t see ourselves until it is reflected back to us. Magnified for us. Those that irritate us the most are the ones who can help us the most when we cast aside ego and pride. Because they come to challenge us to dig deep. To go beyond the superficial to find our reality. Our point of fulcrum.

Sometimes the relationships we believe are meant to last forever end without us understanding how we got to that point until we step away and realize it was for our best and for the best of the relationship we had to end. The longer we are in intimate relationships the more we learn about our inner most selves, those needs and desires and lessons we have suppressed even from ourselves come to the surface. Bringing us face to face with who we are and who we are not. What we can tolerate and what we cannot.

So it is very true we need to be very careful about who we bring into our intimate circle because they become the basis of who we are as we become them and they become us. Because we are them as they are us. Mirrors reflecting the best and worst of who we are. 

Today is the birthday of my greatest teacher and challenge, my husband Nick. Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down but most of all we have been brought together to grow, to stretch, to yield and to compromise as well as to learn how to love from a place of vulnerability and surrender. Happy Birthday to my rollercoaster ride husband with love and light and surrender. 

When we take life too seriously

When we take life too seriously

Life in turn takes us too seriously

Everything becomes serious

When we fail to see the humor in things

The humor in things fails to see us

There is no humor left

When we become too angry

Angry becomes us

Follows us

When we learn to let go and let be

The load lightens and we see

Life is what we perceive it is be

No more, no less

Just the way we color our world

When we no longer laugh at ourselves

The world laughs at us

When we laugh out loud at our seriousness

The world laughs with us

Not at us

When we learn to say what we mean

And mean what we say

The world understand us and anticipates our needs

Rather than speaking double dutch

Or being afraid to ask for what we want

Because all that we attract is mixed messages

Because they mirror the ones we are sending

When we say one thing and mean another

We get back what we mean

Rather than what we say

When we learn to let go and let be

Then when we see

We color the world with our own perceptions

With the lenses we choose to see the world through

Which one are you?

Are we?

Rosy?

Shady?

Glossy?

Opague?

Or mirrored?

The world is as it is

Because of the way we are

The way we choose to live

The way we choose to be

The way we choose to portray ourselves

Victims

Winners

Losers

Champion

It’s always up to us

Even when we feel

Hopeless

Tired

Vengeful

Dark

And alone

We are never alone

And we can always

Change the color of our lens

Because we are the journeyers

On this journey called life

And only when we understand

We are the masters of our fate

Only when we learn to laugh out loud

To accept our pain is just as necessary as our joy

Only when we learn to release

To not blame

To look at ourselves truly in the mirror

Can we see

Who is looking back at us

Only then will we 

Be able to shape our destiny

To live the life we are meant to live

To open ourselves to the possibility

And abundance waiting just for us

But only when

We stop taking life too seriously

Only when

We laugh at ourselves

Only when

We see the humor in things

In ourselves

Will we be able to spread our wings

And fly

Only then

Will we see we color the world

With our perception

Allowing us to understand

The only truth that exists

Is the truth we carry in our hearts, bodies and souls

And that is the truth we reflect

Project

So what will it be

For you

For me

For us?

A life lived too seriously

Or a life lived fully and truly?

The beauty of lasting friendships

Lasting friendships are some of the most beautiful and grounding relationships we can ever have. They ask for nothing. They seek nothing. They are just there for us when we need them without questions, without demand. They wait for us when we take off on paths different from theirs. When we go off on journeys of our own.

I have a few friends that have been in my life for many years. The degree of our friendships coming and going over the years as and when we need each other. We know we are there for each other no matter what, no matter when, no matter how. And the beauty of these relationships is that we do not need to crowd each other. Do not need to be in each other’s physical space all the time. But trust that we are always present for each other when the time is right again.

We have an understanding that goes beyond the physical and is locked in a place where we know each other on a level that is almost indescribable. These friends are near and dear to my heart as they are a part of me as I am a part of them.

I am reminded of the freedom and trust of these relationships because I met a friend last night. A friend who was a constant in my life when we lived in France. A friend who found me when I needed to be found. Who stuck with me and helped me through a very difficult time in my life. A friend who did not judge. Does not judge but was there whenever I needed her. We had not seen each other in 6 and a half years and had not spoken to each other during that time frame either. But for some reason our paths intersected again last night. Bringing us back together in a country that is not our own.

And when we met each other it was like we had seen each other every day. As if time had stood still but gone on at the same time. We stepped right back into the girlfriends we were some 6 and half years before. Bringing each other up to date on where we had left off without the need to fill in all the details because those details did not really matter to us. Grateful for the opportunity to be in each other’s presence for a fleeting few hours. But those hours were enough to fill us up again. To remind us of how precious good, lasting and enduring friendships really are. How our souls need to be reconnected from time to time in a physical way.

Last night I was reminded these special friendships ground us. Help us to remember who we are, were and will be. They provide us with compasses on where we are in our lives by bringing us back to people who we know will always have our backs. Will always love us no matter what. Will always have a special place in our hearts. Who are able to accept that sometimes life will take us on very different paths and are willing to let go of the physical friendship until the time our paths are meant to reconnect. Picking up where we left off without questions or regret.

We talked, laughed, commiserated, and walked back down memory lane from time to time – two women who have grown in the 6 and a half years but yet remained the same at the core. At the place of the heart.

I love my near and dear friends. The ones who demand nothing from me. Seek nothing from me. Except for me to be happy and to know I hold a special place in their hearts as they do mine.

We parted last night hugging each other over and over again. Promising to meet again sometime soon. Hopefully sooner than 6 and a half years and hopefully with more time. Both departing with me being grateful for fate bringing us back together in a country that is not our own. But giving us time nonetheless to remember how key it is to let in those who have our best interests at heart. Knowing that those friendships will never let us down. Will never turn their backs on us. They may change and grow and sometimes mellow out but at the core they are our core who keep us grounded, rooted in the knowledge we never walk this earth plane alone.

In total and utter gratitude for the lasting, enduring, shaping, trusting, friendships that seek nothing, demand nothing but remain as constants in our spiritual inner lives. Namaste to my beautiful friend Beatrice Roynard, my French sister, mon amie tres bonne.

My only regret is that we did not take a photograph together but am grateful to know I have the picture of us forever etched in my heart. Safe journey until we meet again.

You really are not on your phone

How have we become so attached to technology that we can’t leave it alone? How is that IPhones, Samsungs, Blackberries, Androids have become appendages to us rather than the accessories they were designed to be? How have these pieces of information carriers become so important to us that we would risk our own lives and the lives of others just so we can be in touch with someone else in such a cold and distant way. Instant contact but distant contact has become so important that we can’t seem to function without them. We have become addicted. Addicted to information. Addicted to the need to be responsive. Addicted to the need to feel important, wanted and needed.

I say this because yesterday morning I was woken out of a deep sleep by the desperate sound of a woman’s voice as we were taxiing down the runway. The pitch of her voice obviously awakening that instinctual mothering instinct deep within me letting me know there was a clear and present danger that I needed to be aware of - jolting me out of my sleep.

Disoriented and alert at the same time, I turned to the woman sitting next to me to see a look of disgust mixed with panic on her face as she repeated to the woman sitting next to her, “You are really not on your phone.”

The other woman shooed her away with her hand. Her conversation obviously more important than the feelings and fear of the other woman. As I observed the scene I noticed with chagrin that the lady with the phone glued to her ear also had her IPad on typing furiously into it. Totally disregarding the flight attendant’s instruction to turn off all electronic devices. Clearly disregarding the feelings of the woman sitting next to her. Totally disregarding the fact that she could be putting not only her life in danger but the lives of other people on the airplane as well. Mine included.  

The woman next to me became even more agitated as the airplane’s speed increased indicating we were about to take off. She pleaded with the other woman to at least turn off her phone and IPad while we were taking off. Her whole being shaking in despair and fear. As I looked around the plane, I observed there were several people still on their phones – texting, sending emails, talking, taking pictures. None seemed to be perturbed by the fact they were using technology while the plane was about to take off. And interestingly age, ethnicity nor gender mattered because they were from all walks of life.

I gave the young man behind me that look that said get off your phone when he looked up at me so he did. He then looked at the guy next to him with the same look and the guy beside him turned off his phone. As they were turning off their phones, the lady causing the angst for the lady next to me finally acquiesced and turned off her phone. And then there was a peace and calm as the plane lifted off the ground and started to make its ascent into the sky.

But for some reason I could not shake the thought that all of our lives on that airplane could have put into jeopardy because we are so addicted to information and exchanging information. So addicted to being in touch, to being responsive, to being in the know that we will do it to the detriment of ourselves and everyone else just to get in the last word. The question I asked myself after that and I am asking all of us to think about as well is, is it worth it for us to be so connected to our technology that we are losing touch with our ability to read people? Losing touch with our ability to be sensitive to the needs of others and feelings of others because most of our communication now is being done via IPhones, Samsungs, Blackberries, and other androids?

Have we become so desensitized that life really doesn’t matter if we can’t be in the know. If we can’t have on our phones at all times? That we are so into our phones we have become less aware of where we are and who we are with? Yesterday was a sobering lesson to me about how important it is to be aware of my surroundings because they are real as opposed to someone’s else reality that I am trying to be a part of through a phone or computer or some other piece of technology. It is better to be present, fully present than distracted by something that has become an addiction. By a virtual reality rather than living and enjoying the place I am in right now.

Life is too short to live virtually. We need to live and breath and enjoy all that is happening in real time in our lives rather than what is coming to us via a screen or telephone. 

An invaluable lesson from Tony Goldwyn

The strangest thing happened to me last night. So strange that I had to take some time to process what happened because of how and where it happened. Particularly since it came from a source I least expected but a lesson I was meant to receive and learn came through loud and clear. A lesson that is forcing me to come out of the closet about one of my guilty pleasures. Forcing me to come out of the closet about my fear of publicly speaking about my writing.

I am so addicted to ABC’s Scandal that I watch something about it every single day. So much so that my children and husband now roll their eyes up in their heads when they walk past my computer and see I am watching yet another thing about Scandal. Like a true addict,  I am so embarrassed to be watching another interview with Kerry Washington, Tony Goldwyn or Shonda Rhimes that when one of my family members walk by, I quickly switch the screens so I don’t have to see the look of disgust on their faces! Crazy that I came into this whole Scandal thing so late but now I am so hooked I can’t seem to get enough of it. But I regress.

The strange thing happened to me was while watching an interview with Tony Goldwyn on Spreecast from 2013 on YouTube ( an amazing invention by the way - You Tube that is). Tony said something that struck a chord so deep within me that I felt like he had been delivered to me at the moment for a reason. An angel least expected.

In response to a question posed by Tangela, who is probably the greatest fan of Scandal, about making it without a name, Tony told her that having talent is only a small percentage of making it, that 10% of success comes from inspiration while 90% of it comes from perspiration. He described how watching an actor from Breaking Bad do his job with an intense passion proved to him that anybody can make their dreams come true.  But first we have to believe in our own dreams and work hard to make them happen. To not be afraid to tell people about them. To not be afraid to talk about them all the time. To not be afraid to speak into existence what we most desire and dream about. And then not be afraid to do the work to make our dreams happen.

A light bulb went off in my head when I heard his words. I am very passionate about writing and have been since I can remember but I allowed others to diminish my passion by accepting them telling me everyone wants to be a writer and anyone can write. By believing them when they questioned why I thought I was more special than anyone else who is aspiring to be a writer. So for years, including now, I have hidden my writing. Kept it almost as if it is a dirty little secret that only certain people are allowed to know. Almost as if I am too ashamed to expose this writing thing that gets me up in the morning. That sets the tone for the day.

I realized without a doubt that I have hidden that aspect of myself because it does not fit the persona that I project every single day. That controlled woman who goes out and gets things done because when I write I have no control over what comes out of me. In order to write authentically, I am forced to let go and let be. To allow the words to come from a place that I don’t even know where the place is. Nor do I understand.

I also realized I don’t have personal photos attached to my blog , instead I have an image of a spiritual woman because at least then I can still hide behind her image rather than showing who I am for what I am. Hearing Tony Goldwyn speak last night made me realize why I was led to interviews because through him I was being led to a truth about myself.  The truth is if writing is my dream, I have to claim it for what it is, go with the flow and speak it to anyone who will listen rather than being afraid of who will discover what I write and whether my readers will like what I write.

Writing is a very personal thing because it comes from places deep within. Places where there are no right or wrong. No rhyme or reason. Only what is meant to be. And it is my passion. My gift. And I am owning it. Claiming it for what it is and what it makes me.

So today world look out because I’m coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show. I am a writer and I am proud of it. Two guilty pleasures colliding to help me to understand I am my writing and my writing is me.

Looking up and out

Looking up and out is better than looking down and at the ground. Because when we look up and out we see the vastness of the world we live in. The possibility that surrounds us.  That is us. The clouds in the infinite blue sky. The immenseness of our existence without questions. The sea of possibility that resides with us. Within us.

When we look down and at the ground we close ourselves in. Fooled into thinking there is nowhere to go. Painting ourselves into a box. Closing ourselves off from the vastness of our existence. Shutting ourselves off from the possibility that exists for us all.

These past few mornings when I have walked outside to get our rabbit out, as I walk across my lawn, I have been taking advantage of the glorious morning light. Stopping to look up and out. Breathing in the freshness of the start of a new day. A new beginning. Allowing myself to close off what happened the day before. Yesterday that exists no more. Instead inhaling the presence of the new day allowing it to filter through me, through every pore in my body. And as I do I look up and out. Taking in the shapes of the clouds, the tops of the trees blowing in the breeze, the leaves like little dancers dancing on the trees, the abundance of nature blossoming before my eyes. Watching the birds flying by, silently but purposefully.

Surrendering to the glorious realization that each aspect of nature is in harmony with the other. Filling me with awe because of how everything fits together. Everything has its place. Everything has its time to shine. When one reaches its crescendo and starts to fade, another opens and begins its time in the light.

Just having that perspective on nature by looking up and out, I know that when my time is right for the next thing I will have my day and I need to be patient to get to that point. And when I do I must remember to make room for all those beside me, behind me and above me because each one of us is needed to make the process of life that much easier. To allow it to flow. We need not steal from each other nor try to dim the light of the other, all we need do is lead a purposeful, graceful and grateful life. And in doing so we open ourselves to look up and out. To appreciate the vastness of our existence, the interconnectedness of our existence. To embrace the fact that each one of us is necessary in this journey called life.

That’s why looking up and out is better than staring at the ground because looking up and out allows us to see the vastness of our existence. The interconnectedness of our existence. The fact that we are all on this journey together. Chosen to be in the same place at the same time. So beautiful, so powerful, so still at the same time.

I am so grateful for this lesson. For the abundance of life. For the signs that come to me all the time. For knowing they exist and for appreciating them. Rather than looking down and at the ground cementing me to one place  I am in, I am grateful for looking up and out where there is so much infinite wisdom, abundance and joy….Namaste

Nothing more powerful than the power of love

There is nothing more powerful than the power of love. Nothing more entangling than the power of love. Nothing more fulfilling than the power of love.

The scent. The touch. The feel of love. Only love uplifts us, fulfills us and gives us purpose.

It is love that wakes us up in the morning with its promise of love. It is love that fills our hearts so we know compassion in a way we would never have known. Love is more powerful than any other emotion we have because it is love that makes us who we are. A lack of love leaves us wrinkled, without purpose and full of fear.

It is love that gives us that glow. That energy that everyone wants to be around. That feeling of trust and abandon that what will be will be.

I was reminded of the power of love last night when my husband of 21 years took my hand and held it in his. A simple gesture that was done without expectation but was done with the intention of passing his love onto me. Filling my whole being with this intense burst of feelings that is almost impossible to describe. Or to explain. Except to say with his simple gestures I knew and felt his love pour into me as I felt my love pour into him. An exchange of feelings without saying a word. A recommitment of our commitment to each other without speaking a word. An enduring love is a love that knows even on  those days when we feel so far from love, love still remains, we just have to find our way back to it.

An enduring love is the love that knows that no matter what happens, no matter where we are taken, we have faith that all roads will lead us back to the place of love that brought us together in the first place. The place where there is nothing but love, true love. An enduring love knows even in the face of temptation, there is nothing more satisfying than being with the one who knows who we truly are, really are beneath all the protective layers we put up to guard ourselves from hurt and pain.

An enduring love knows and guides us to be the best people we can be even when we feel we can give no more. Love knows there is nothing more powerful than it. Nothing more enduring than it. And that’s why when we find love, we must nurture it even when we feel we can give no more. Even when we feel like we have gone to the brink of despair, we must remember love conquers all. Heals all. Is all.

It was the simple gesture of my husband taking my hand last night that reminded me of the intimacy of enduring love. That opened me up to remember what love truly is. To understand it is a journey just like everything else in our lives. Sweeping us up in it power , shooting us to our highest heights before bringing us back to ground us before plummeting us to our deepest fears. But when we let go and love, we understand there is nothing more powerful than love. Nothing more satisfying than love. Nothing more enduring than love. Nothing more powerful than the power of love.

Love. Love. Love. 

When one thing leads to another

When one thing leads to another

We are being led

When one thing takes us to another place

We are being led

When we answer the call of the Divine

We go where we never thought we would

We find what we never knew was possible

We push through boundaries and fears we did not even know we had

Life has a funny way of leading us where we need to go

But only when we surrender and let go

Only when we let go of ego and resistance

Pride and control

Are we able to see the path that is being laid just for us

But in seeing this path we must be brave enough to leave the pack

To chart our own way with the help of our angels

The compass they give to us

The one we were born with

The one we came here with

The one we asked for

Sometimes it is unnerving to do what we have to do

Because it is not what we thought we would do

But during those times we must go where we are being led

Follow the path that comes to us innately

The one that resonates with us on a very deep spiritual even primitive level

Where we can hear our own voice blending with the Universal voice

Where our vibration becomes one with the Universal vibration

Allowing every bit of our soul to feel like it was meant to be here

Has always been here and always will be here

Those are the times when we rejoice

Feel like we can do anything

Be anything we choose

When we do not fear who we are

But embrace all of vulnerabilities, shortcomings and fear

As the gifts they are

As they light they are

As the truth of who we are

To lead us to the path of the unknown

The road less travelled

The place where we become one with The One

And Only Soul

The Universal Soul

When we feel those moments

We know more joy than we ever known

For we have become who we were meant to be

Even if it is only fleeting

At least we have caught a glimpse of perfection

Not meant to last forever

Because we are constantly growing and changing

Evolving as does nature

Never stagnant but resilient

Never dull but colourful

But only when we let go and let be

Only when we dance to the rhythm of life

The life we have chosen

Embracing change is the only constant in life

That’s when we accept and embrace

When one thing leads to another

We are being led

When one thing takes us to another place

We are being led

When we answer the call of the Divine

We go where we never thought we would

We find what we never knew was possible

Because we go

Without question

Charting our own course

With the compass we came here with

The compass of our journey

And our journey alone

No longer being led

But leading and letting go

Surrendering

Surrendering

To the call of our own

Namaste

Letting go of what I think I ought to do

Checking myself this morning. I woke up to the sound of silence at first as it was still dark outside. But decided to take advantage of the fact that I have nowhere to be today and nothing to really do except what I choose. This year I am treating my life a little differently. I am treating myself to down time. I am not going to say I am busy all the time because it makes me feel like I am demand. No I am going to take advantage of the times when I can do nothing except what I want without feeling the need to rush around and exhaust myself. And so far I have done it and it feels so good.

Even when people ask me at work if I am really busy, I am not embarrassed to say this is not my busy time whereas before I would have felt like I was not good enough if I wasn’t busy all the time. What I am finding is because I am allowing myself to not get caught up in feeling like I have to work around the clock and be busy for the sake of being busy I am actually more productive, more creative, more responsive and I feel better about myself. There are too many of us that feel in order to be productive we have to be busy all the time. But what we don’t realize we are doing is burning ourselves out. Leaving us no space to regenerate. No space to relax.  No space to just be. No space to tap into the deeper recesses of our brains and souls to hear what we are meant to be doing.

So I lay in bed this morning watching the outside turn from darkness to light, feeling no pressure to jump up and do. Allowing myself the opportunity to listen to the day waking up, to hear the rumble of distant thunder. Pushing aside the waves of disappointment with myself for staying in bed for so long that were threatening to overtake my moment of peace because I usually like to meditate before the sun rises to allow my soul to touch the soul of the Divine. To allow my meditative state to connect with the All that is. Instead I just allowed myself to be.

 And then when I heard the rain, I was disappointed that it was raining yet again. Initially I allowed my thoughts to go down the dark road of how much more rain can we get. What is happening to our weather. Putting myself in a funk. But once I got up and meditated and opened the blinds. I realized it matters not what time I meditate or wake up, it just maters that I do what resonates with me.

Only then was I able to appreciate I have so much to be grateful for - beginning with the fact that I am here another day to breathe, to see the weather, to hear the rain, that my family is all well,  that we are all well. That there are some not waking up this morning at all and their family members are left to grieve.

As I changed my mindset from remorse to gratitude, the outside did not look as dark anymore. My writing became more fluid and I felt lighter myself. Teaching me that no matter where our minds start to go or take us, it is up to us to shift ourselves out of the funk. To remember all that is positive in our lives rather than dwelling on the things that are negative. Remembering all of us have so much to be grateful for when we think of the things we take for granted -  like our ability to breathe on our own and do for ourselves.

Here’s to another rainy day. Another day where I am allowing myself the gift of time. Of not rushing around. No deadlines to meet. No people to meet except for what I decide for me. A day that could be viewed as dark and grey or a day that can be viewed as full of light. I am choosing light particularly when nature is giving me hints about which one to choose because there outside my window is a kiskadee with his bright yellow belly sitting on a tree branch waiting for me to see him. Preening himself as if it is a bright and sunny day. Not bothered by the rain at all. Shaking the wet off when it becomes too much but satisfied with himself nonetheless. And so shall I. As can you.

Grateful for the rain for replenishing nature. Providing us with water to drink and keeping us sustained. And you know what, the rainy day does not feel so bad anymore. Instead it feels beautiful and necessary. As I calmly go through my day without rushing around to make myself feel important.  Doing as much as I am meant to do, not what I think I ought to do. Namaste.

Words

Words can be

Beautiful

Colorful

Complex

Double-edged

Words can

Lift up

Or bend down

Depending on 

How they are used

Words are

So easily

Misunderstood

Or understood

Misconstrued

Depending on

How we use them

Depending on

How we deliver them

Depending on

What we mean

And where we are

Mentally

Words are

So powerful

Because

They carry with them

So much meaning

So much energy

So much of who we are

And what we are

Words

Often

Taken for granted

Often 

Not thought through

Often 

Knee jerk reactions

To words 

Misunderstood

Words of love can lift up

The most depressed soul

Giving it the wings to fly

Or they can bury that soul 

Deeper in its pain

Words

Plentiful

Scarce

Nouns

Verbs

Pronouns

Adjectives

Adverbs

Commands

Pleas

Prayers

Expressions of gratitude

All words

That come together

By us

By where we are

By what we are

Beautiful words

Across a page

Can be

Lyrical

Dancing

Poetic

Flowing

Music to our ears

Or they hurt

And become

Weapons

To destroy

To cut down

To humiliate

To alienate

So many words

So many meanings

How do we choose

Our words

How did they come about

Words

Who decided their meanings

From the beginning

Of their use

Words

When was the beginning

Of their use

Words

How did their meanings

Become so universal

Words

In so many different languages

Particularly 

Emotive words

Words

That cause us to

React

Judge

Subject

Abject

Words

Millions

And millions of them

Used by us 

Every day

In so many different ways

In so many different tones

From so many different thoughts

Words can be

Beautiful and yet

Painful to remember

Causing us to forget

Our words

Because

There are no words 

Sometimes

For what we feel

No words to express

Our thoughts

But yet they are swirling

Jumbled

Mumbled

Upside down

In our heads

Thousands of them

Millions of them

Bombarding our minds

Crowding our thoughts

Taking away our ability

To assemble

To process

To find the one

That means the most to us

That defines our moment

That grounds us

Words

Who would have thought

They could have one meaning to me

And another to you

One meaning to us

And another meaning to them

Words 

Need to be thought about

Before spoken

Before written

Before expressed

Because 

They have different meanings

To me

To you

To them

To us

Depending on 

Where we are

Depending on 

Who we are

Depending on 

Our culture

Depending on 

Our ethnicity

Depending on 

Our background

Depending on 

Our education

But there are 

Universal words

That never change

That remain the same

Words like

Love

Nature

Breath

Death

Words

So many

Beautiful

Terrifying

Freeing

Words

I love them all

Because they

Define

Refine

And ground

Giving me purpose

And flow

Words

Beautiful

Beautiful

Love

Words

Touching story of a man who sees cancer as his gift

My husband told me a touching story the other night. The story about a man we know who looked death in the eye only to experience the greatest joy he has ever felt. The story of a man who told my husband that if he had to do it all again, he would not change a single thing. You see this man is fighting cancer – an aggressive cancer that came out of the blue. A cancer that nearly claimed him on several occasions. A cancer that has caused him so much pain. Yet he sees this cancer, his cancer as a gift, as something he would not change.

Through cancer this man has been able to see with clear eyes the suffering in the world. So much pain that he was not aware of before or had chosen to ignore. He has seen people with the fronts of their face completely ravaged by cancer but still these people encourage him on and tell him he is going to be okay. He has seen children, young children, as skeletal as he was during his worst who still find reason to play and have fun.

He has heard the anguish of a mother who wanted the doctors to know she could not die because she has children. Heard her anguished cries to save her from death. To give her more time. And then when she realized she was not alone in the room, walked to his curtains, opened them, stood and looked at him. Their eyes locking. Their souls connecting. Their stories told to each other without words ever being spoken. Their shared pain understood in that twenty second frame. An intimate moment, without uttering a word, connecting them on a level he has never connected with anyone in his life before. Letting him know there is more to communication than words. More to life than we can ever understand until we face our own mortality. Our own glimpse into death.

He told my husband about the day he asked to walk outside after undergoing intense chemo treatments. Robbing him of his vitality and strength. Refusing a taxi ride to the apartment he was to share with his wife for the weekend because he felt the urge to be outside. Felt the urge to feel and experience life. Not through a window. Not through an enclosure but through being in it. And when he got outside, he looked up and around and saw life through the eyes of a child experiencing it for the first time – the blue sky, the green grass, the abundance and vividness of colour from the flowers and he began to sob. Uncontrollably sob because what he was taking in was life at its very best in its simplest form. The beauty of nature. He was seeing and experiencing pure and unadulterated joy in a way he had never experienced it before.

He fell to the ground - his senses overwhelmed and titillated by the beauty he was experiencing through the eyes of a man who had been to hell and back again during his chemo treatments. Rendering him speechless because he was so full of joy. So full of life. So full of gratitude. His wife panicking thinking he was in pain. Not realizing what he was experiencing was an appreciation for the beauty that we walk past every single day. The beauty we take for granted. The beauty we do not see or appreciate because it is so every day. So passé.

My husband, without realizing it, was the man’s angel for the day. Allowing him to express all the joy and life he has experienced as a result of his pain. As a result of his cancer. As a result of his brush with death.  My husband said he knew the man needed him on a level he could not explain so he stood and let the man talk. Let the man cry. Let the man feel and express the romance of the life he was living as a result of his pain.

And when the man was done, my husband hugged him and told him he was honored to have had the opportunity to listen and to experience what the man had experienced. That he was honored to have shared such an intimate moment with the man. And then their time was done. Each walking away a different man. One whose burden was less heavy and the other whose step was much lighter.

Because what the man did not realize was that he was my husband’s angel as well. Reminding him about the joy of life from its simplicity. Nudging him to know how quickly life can change and how he too must appreciate living as much as he can.

Two men brought together, my husband and this man, to remind each other there is no greater joy than gratitude and living life as fully as they can. Tears of pain that lead to tears of joy. Joy and pain. Pain and joy – one in the same. Two men in a parking lot framed by life itself. In all its joy and pain. In all their joy and pain. Namaste.

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

A liberating thing

A pill called ecstasy

For free

It opens us

Wide

To the World

Here and Now

It makes us vulnerable

Fragile

Fresh

It allows us to explore

Deep

Deep

Down

It sends shivers up and down our spine

It allows us to breathe

Really breathe

And closes no doors

But leaves them all open

Beckoning us

To enter

Whichever one we choose

It is the sun rising in the morning

The burst of red

In a sun setting sky

It is the smell of a rose

The call of a dove

The waves crashing on the shore

It is the music of life

That which sustains us

And maintains us

Yet grows us

There is nothing like

Falling in love

With who we are and what we are

There is nothing like the rush

Of falling in love

And it can come every day

In every way

Unexpected of course

But liberating nonetheless

It is finding and exploring our passion

Letting it carry us

To the gates of love

Thrusting us through

So we explode

With joy

And abandon

Falling in love

There is nothing like it

It is the first kiss

The first caress

The look that carries us away

From this world to the next

Where magic

And fantasy coexist

With reality

It is the rollercoaster that takes us to the highest heights

Then drops us before we can let out a breath

Falling in love is magic

And I try to do it

Again and again

By engaging in my passion

Letting it carry me away

So I can create

And be me

Wonderful

Loving

Compassionate

Me

Falling in love

There is nothing like it

At all

In this entire world

The rush

The urgency

The feel

Love

Wonderful

Breathtaking

Love

I love falling in love

Because

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

A liberating thing

Love

There is a natural beauty to our world

There is a natural beauty to our world. A beauty that transcends everything and everyone. It is that which lies within. Deep within. Even things and people we believe are ugly are colored only by our perception because everything and everyone has a natural beauty that lies deep within.

When we close our eyes and listen, just listen to the sound of all that is, we can sense the beauty and the abundance that surrounds us all. That beauty that rescues us from the wrongs that we perceive. That beauty that permeates the thread that connects us all. Taking us back to where we belong. To the place we all came from. That place where we will all return.

There is a natural beauty that snakes throughout our land that is the undercurrent of who we are and what we came here to be. But most times we open our eyes too wide and seek out that which layers and obscures the beauty and abundance that is readily available to us. That is within our reach because it is our reach. But sometimes we get so caught up in seeing the unbalance, the ugly that we fail to see the beauty that is waiting just for us. Because it is us.

What I am learning is we create the beauty in our lives. We create the ugly in our lives by what we seek rather than what we need. What I am learning is there is a natural beauty in all things despite the scars, despite the disguise and the strife because we were all created in the image of love. All created from the process of love and what is more beautiful than love?

There is a natural beauty connecting us all to the beginning, to the infinite, to the place of all that is, was and ever will be and that beauty is called love. It is in the eyes of the beholder, in the flowers, the smell of a rose, the touch of a baby, eyes locking for reasons unknown, it is in the everyday of what we do when we let go and let be. That’s when we see there is a natural beauty to our world. Of our world. In our world. And it is called love. Namaste.

The peace that comes after every storm

Last evening a storm came through. Blowing everything around. Tossing large objects like they were feathers. Blowing out transformers. Shutting down power for some. Sparing others. Just seconds before the air was flat calm. And then out of nowhere came the storm.

I went to bed fully expecting the storm to go through the night. Fully expecting to hear the sound of the howling wind. The pouring rain. Instead there was silence. Peace. The storm finished. The calm remained. I got up in the middle of the night and looked out the window because there was so much light coming through my blinds and there in the west was the moon as bright as could be. No clouds to obscure it. No wind to take away its light.  And beside the moon there were stars. Bright shiny stars set in a clear night sky. Picture perfect. No sign of the storm that had come through before. Just a calm and peaceful night

I stood at the window marveling at nature. Marveling at change. Marveling at how nature shows us all the time that sometimes we may not know our way. Sometimes we will be blown off course. Sometimes things around us will blow up leaving us feeling spent and depleted but if we are patient and trusting everything settles down in its time. And even when we feel like we are constantly in a storm. Constantly fighting to find the calm. If we let go, we will learn storms come and go and they pass when they are meant to pass therefore there is nothing we can do except go with the flow. Trust and have faith.

Sometimes we need storms so we can appreciate the calm. Sometimes we need storms to remove the debris cluttering our lives. Ridding us of all that is no longer necessary. Sometimes we need storms to make us remember the only constant in life is change. And that life changes constantly as do we when we accept that storms are just as necessary as calm.

So instead of resisting change, we need to learn to embrace it. Accept what comes our way and make the best of every situation that comes to us. Breathing deeply and going with the flow of the storm so that we can enjoy the calm. The peace that comes after every storm.

Moving beyond a dream filled with fear

Last night I had one of those prophetic dreams. One of those dreams that stays with you and rattles you. Makes you rethink everything but for some reason I can’t remember the whole dream or the characters involved but what I do remember is the sign that appeared – the sign that is etched in  my memory and it was the sign on a pink background that had the word FEAR etched into it in white letters. There were accompanying words around it. Words to help me through my fear but for some reason those words remained in the dream and are somewhere in the recesses of my brain I’m sure but not anywhere where I can remember them. As a matter of fact. I can’t remember what the dream was trying to tell me but I know it was a sign. An answer to a prayer.

I woke up this morning paralyzed with fear. Afraid to move. Afraid to get out of the comfort of my bed. The security of my room. I wanted to stay in bed believing fear could not touch me there or stop me from doing what I need to do. Even though in my mind I knew it was fear that was keeping me in bed. Telling me to stay where I was. Fooling me into believing where I was was the best place for me because I know it and am comfortable with it.

Eventually I told myself to get out of bed, to try to understand what the dream was trying to tell me. So I reached for my phone. For some reason that was where I was being led. I checked one message on my phone and found this quote that a friend had posted on my Facebook page, “Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you've decided." (Jackson Kiddard )

Thank you Michelle St. Jane for being my angel today because it was your message that allowed me to get out of bed with vigor. Allowed me to throw back the comforters on my bed, casting aside the false comfort and security I was feeling. allowing me to understand it was that falsehood that was keeping me mired in fear. Opening me to accept in order to move beyond my fears, I have to live each moment and believe in me.

I walked into the bathroom feeling truly heard and with pep in my step. Knowing my guides were on my side helping me and leading me to answers propelling me to know I am good enough for whatever I choose to do. And in doing so I was rewarded even further with these two other words of inspirations waiting just for me,

“I am open to the guidance of synchronicity and do not let expectations hinder my path.”

“Cultivate the discipline to look on the bright side, and refrain from entertaining anxiety-producing scenarios (“There’s no way she’ll date me, I’m too short”) or their subsequent what-ifs (“What if they think my writing is cliché?” “What if the boss is secretly thinking of firing me?”). Because if you don’t think positively, the planets will cheerfully say, “Makes no difference to us,” and reinforce your concerns instead.”

And finally I saw this one that allowed me to breathe and to know no matter what I am okay and will be okay. Fear is just there to remind me to keep going, to keep pushing because when I am feeling it, I am being led to move beyond the falsehoods of comfort and security, “Take the initiative instead of waiting for the other guy to approach you. Your efforts will be justly (and properly) rewarded.”

So angels, guides, and the power of the Divine, I thank you for helping me to see the only one stopping me is me and my false sense of security. Thank you for sending me fear in my dreams that sent me on a quest to work my way through it and get out of bed to see and appreciate the glory in this beautiful moment and day. And to me it is up to me to be me and do what resonates with me. Namaste

Witnessing the dance of nature

Yesterday morning while I was outside I witnessed the dance of nature. The music of the trees as they rustled in the breeze. I stood and watched the leaves shaking in the wind. The green of their leaves so beautiful, so majestic, so rich. I listened to the sound of their collective voices rising with each gust of wind. I stood and watched and allowed the endless creation of nature to flow through me. Witnessing birth and death over and over again. Leaves falling. Leaves growing. Avocadoes dropping. Others coming out. Endless creation.  All under the sound of the sweeping leaves.

I looked up at the sky. At the clouds speeding by. Inhaling the smell of the morning. Inhaling the smell of the infinite because I realized I was witnessing life at its best. Life at it fullest. Life that knows there is no need to compete with anyone or anything because there is always enough. Always more for all of us. That there is no need to feel in order to gain, someone must lose. That in order to have, someone must have not.

I realized with certainty that life is always replenishing itself as it is us. That all we need do is believe, have faith and trust that we are enough. Always will be enough. And we will always have enough. Exactly what we need.

There is no need to worry, no need to fret, no need to gather and hoard, steal and lie because in doing so we are inviting in the feeling of scarcity. The feeling that we are not enough, there is not enough. And we become paranoid, scared that if we don’t sabotage and pull down others, we will not have enough.  That we will somehow lose.

So not true the cacophony of nature was telling me. Letting me see and hear. The more we give, the more we share, the more we exchange, the more we will gain. The more we will have. The more we become.

Yesterday morning I stood and watched the harmony of nature and knew in that instant that I am a part of its harmony. As I am of nature as nature is of me. Together we are collective and one. And there is no need to compete with anyone. All we need is to be the best we can be and share the best of who we are with those who cross our path. And when we do so without expectation, without desire, we fall in step with the harmony of life, the harmony of nature – ebbing and flowing, bending and flexing to the dance of life, the dance of nature.

Achieving balance in ways only nature can give us. Finding our equilibrium in ways only we can achieve when we understand we are enough – always enough particularly on those days when we believe we are not. Namaste

Life has a funny way of rooting us

Life has a funny way of bringing us

Back to the centre

The Universe has an interesting way 

Of answering us

Giving us 

What we ask for

The direction 

We need

The insight 

About life

Rooting us back

To the present moment

By sending us death

Reminding us that death is waiting for us

It is around the corner

And there is no escaping it

All of us were born to die

We each have a death sentence

And at some point 

Our maker will come

To take us back home

Yesterday I wrote about my vulnerabilities

Expressed them

Put them out there

Released them

Surrendered them

Did not dwell on them

Just let them go

Opening the door

For my truth to enter

Allowing room for it to come

And when it came

It came as two not one

Reminding me

Nudging me to know

I was being shown the way

Given the insight

To remember

My life is short

Very, very short

And that no moment 

Is promised 

To anyone

Death comes in many ways

The complete removal of our physical being

Or the removal of us from situations that no longer resonate with us

And I saw both those things happen yesterday

Both to people I know

One who was told he was no longer needed

That his time had come

And it was time to move on

A blast to his ego

A blow to his dream

But was it really

Or was it a wakeup call

To know that he did not heed the signs

So the signs stopped

Ending the road for him

To show him the new way

To help him to go where he is meant to go

Then later I discovered that a friend had died

Moved from this physical space

Back to the maker

Back to where he came from

Where we all come from

Young, gifted and still a long life ahead of him

Were the comments that came when his news broke

But who are we to say

Who are we to think

There is always tomorrow

When there is no tomorrow

It is only right here

Right now

This moment

And how we choose to live

In this moment

Is all that matters

I cried a tear last night

For the ones who have lost

And the ones who will lose

Including myself

Because death is calling

Rattling at my door

It is the only promise

We have

The only truth we know

But yet we all live

Like there is tomorrow

When tomorrow never comes

I hear you life

I am listening Universe

This is my life

And my life alone

This is my moment

And my moment alone

I have to live it

As truthfully

And fully as I can

Because there is no tomorrow

Tomorrow never comes

Exhausting Being Everyone but Me

What are we looking for as individuals?

What is it that we really want out of life?

When do we know we have what we are meant to have?

At what point do we feel like we are living the lives we are meant to be living?

Do we ever reach that point or are we always striving for more?

What happens when the door opens but it does not feel like our door?

What happens when several doors open at the same time?

How do we know which door is meant for us and more importantly which door is not?

Is there really a right door and a wrong door or are they all right and wrong?

Could it be possible that every path we take, every choice we make, every decision is right and wrong for us at the same time?

Questions, questions, questions are filling my heart today

Crowding my mind today

Because I am searching, seeking, probing

As many of us do at the beginning of the year

At the beginning

Because we project so far ahead

Trying to direct our lives

As I am

Right now

Trying to see the destination

Before I even understand my journey

Rather than living it for what it is

Instead of what it isn't

Living each moment

Studying each moment

Being grateful in each moment

For each moment

Appreciating that it could be my last moment

I know how to root myself

But sometimes I don’t want to, can’t and have no desire to be rooted

In that moment

Sometimes I want to be over there more than I want to be here

Sometimes I do not want to be where I am

But if I stop and listen

Really listen to the sound of me

To the sound of my silence

To the sound of my voice

I will know that every path

Every step

Every decision

Every choice

I have made

Without blaming anyone else

Has brought me to this place of questions

To this place of seeking

To this place of probing

And if that is really the case

Then only I 

Can get myself out of this place

Of questioning

Of probing

Of seeking

But how 

I ask

But why

I probe

But when 

I demand

Only when I am ready 

Comes the answer

Only when I learn 

Comes the whisper

Then the wave

Only when the time feels truly right 

Booms loud and clear

And only I will know

Arives the conclusion

But I have to be courageous enough

Brave enough

Strong enough

To buck the tide

To not try to be so dreadfully normal

Which leads to boredom

To not desire to be so easily mainstream

Which leads to stagnation

To not fall into the trap of following the crowd

Because I so desperately want to be accepted by everyone else

Instead to recognise

Sometimes I have to walk alone

To understand who I am and what I want

And sometimes walking alone

With my head above the crowd can be terrifying

And that’s why it is so easy to fall into the status quo

To be like everyone else

To do what everyone else expects

But then when I do

That’s when I get the questions

Rather than the answers

I seek

A feeling of unrest

Rather than rest

A feeling of wanting to be over there

Rather than here

So it is on me 

To listen to me

To be me

To fully embody

Who I am

And what I asked to come here to be

As it is my short

Short

Short

Life

No one else’s

So it is time to let go

And let be

So I can finally be me

Terrifying

Exhilarating

But well worth it

I know

Because it’s exhausting

Being everyone but me