Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone. The day it is acceptable to be something or someone we aren’t. This is a day that so many of us look forward to because we can walk outside with masks on, green hair and no one will think otherwise. As a matter of fact most people will even smile when they see us because I believe in our heart of hearts we all believe in make believe.
Thinking about some of the costumes I saw over the weekend, I can truly say that Halloween allows many of us to take on the form of our alter egos. People were dressed as Superwoman - every girl’s fantasy - Geisha women, every man’s fantasy, nurses, doctors, evil people, and good people. I’m always amazed at the number of people who go for religious figures – I have to admit they always unnerve me – my immediate thought is they are being sacrilegious – that’s the good old Church of England upbringing where I was raised to believe there was none other than God. I also marvel at the people who dress in uniforms – why chose something so standard – is it because they seek order in their lives?
I have never wanted to be anything scary or ugly or stupid either. Most of my costumes have been on the funky or beautiful side like being Pocahontas, a diva witch, a haunted Queen and each time I have felt strange while in those costumes because I didn’t like the attention but secretly I did want to embrace my characters and become them. A strange conflict of alter ego versus who I am instead of just enjoying being the other person for the day.
My daughter loves Halloween and she seems to be somewhat like me, wants the beautiful costumes. This year she will be an Egyptian princess and everything has to be just so. She has spent ages putting together her costume, even taking a family poll about what colour lipstick she should wear. She is counting the hours until she can get dressed and can’t understand why anyone should have to go to school on Halloween. How dare they she says, Don’t they know it’s Halloween!
My son on the other hand has always wanted the scariest costumes he can find. He often puts bits and pieces together from his wardrobe. The more gruesome the better which is so opposite to his personality. He is very sensitive and caring about others which is why it is so strange to see him take on the scariest characters. This year he isn’t as bothered but when I bought him home a fake knife that looks like it’s sticking into his head and coming out the other side his eyes lit up and now he can’t wait for tonight.
My husband just thinks the whole Halloween thing is totally overrated and doesn’t get into it at all.
Tonight we will go to my Aunt’s house as all the cousins do and we will go out as a group taking the children trick or treating around the neighbourhood, we visit a haunted house and each year one more of the children builds up the nerve to go inside the haunted house. It is definitely a night I look forward to as do my children. I just hope this year we don’t get egged when we are driving back. But even if we do, it’s all in the Halloween spirit.
I also hope I don’t eat any more of that candy that is so tempting and is landing squarely on my hips! So off I go today to take on my Pixie chic character (my daughter’s idea, perhaps being in the Enchanted forest of Vermont) when I embrace the child in me with my children.
Happy Halloween everyone and please take on that character today that is struggling to come through. Go on it’s the only day when you’re allowed and no one will think you’re crazy. Enjoy!
It’s make believe day. Hurray!

Vacations with no agendas sooth our souls

It’s Sunday morning and I woke up in my own bed with the remnants of a migraine headache and a stomach churning thinking about all the things I have to do today. I know I am suffering from vacation hangover because my body was so relaxed and now it has gone into overdrive preparing for every day routines. Unpacking, changing over the children’s clothes from summer to winter, getting ready for school, thinking about what comes next for me.
To quiet some of chatter, I started reflecting back on our vacation. I fondly remember how we spent our last full day in Smugglers Notch before heading back to reality, by taking the day slow. The first vacation we have had like that for a long time. A vacation of no demands. Now I understand why families go back to the same places again year after year because it is like going home - a home away from home. A place where there is some reality but more fantasy.
I never understood why people bought a second home somewhere else because I thought it would be boring to go back to the same place. I always thought the adventure was in exploring different places and seeing different people. This vacation has taught me that the adventure sometimes is in exploring ourselves. Listening to stillness. To that inner voice that goes off at the least expected moments because it has been given the opportunity to be heard.
Vacations like those where we allow ourselves to be still, to be quiet, to not be rushing about doing this and doing the other. Where there are no deadlines, no planned itineraries gives our minds, bodies and souls the opportunity to rest, to replenish and to renew. I am so grateful that we did this particularly as I am on the cusp on making major decisions about what I will do with this next stage of my life. My next adventure.
I tried not to think about tomorrow. I tried to quiet the noise that invaded my mind from time to time. And for the most part I was quite successful but when I was not, I let the thoughts pass through my mind without question, without reason so I could feel the full breadth and depth of my emotions and I actually felt free and open to them.
I remember on our last night in Smuggler’s Notch sitting in the bedroom after coming out of a lovely hot tub overlooking the last of the leaves, the darkening mountain and the lovely dusky sky feeling so clean, so and ready to take the next step. I remembered being able to exhale the old and inhale what’s to come.
Before leaving Smuggler’s Notch we had lunch at our new favourite restaurant, The Mix, and we chatted with the owner. Already it felt like a home with people that knew us confirming to me we will go back to the Notch because it’s our home away from home.
As we were leaving light snowflakes began to fall signalling the weather was about to change. It was definitely time for us to leave and come back to reality. Instantly the chatter in my mind began to increase, the tension came back into my body as I got closer and closer to reality. Waking up this morning to reality increased the chatter even more. I asked the Universe for an answer.
As if in answer to my calling, to affirm my message I saw Oprah posted this quote from Deepak Chopra, “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside you.”
And this will be my mantra today as I try to take myself back to the times in my vacation when I was able to find my stillness so I will not forget how. Happy Sunday everyone. Hopefully you will find your stillness today as well.

Travel days are exhausting

Travel days are always exhausting. Today was particularly exhausting as we had to be up at 3 am to catch our 6 am flight to JFK in order to make the 8.20 am connection to Bermuda.
A shock to the system after such an enchanting and relaxing vacation. Nothing like being thrust back to reality. Getting up in the middle of the night is no fun.
Because I was so nervous about missing the flight I woke up every half hour then was wide awake at 2.30am. There was no way I wanted to miss the flight particularly since the whole of the Northeast corridor is under threat for their first Nor’easter of the year. I did not want to get stuck in New York knowing that everyone would be trying to get back to Bermuda for school on Monday.
Coming into JFK was like flying blind. The visibility was so poor that I didn’t see the ground until we were literally on top of it. The sky was dark and ominous waiting to take over the city. Mist was everywhere. We landed safely in NY and I breathed a sigh of relief, almost home, fingers crossed we would be able to get out before the weather deteriorated any further.
We got off the flight only to get back on the same airplane to come home. This time surrounded by many people we knew. Being in JFK was almost like being at home with the number of Bermudians there. It was sort of a comfort to know there was so many of on the airplane.
The flight taxied down the runway but we ended up sitting for about an hour, visibility slightly improved but the sky was still very heavy with dark and threatening clouds. I said a silent prayer for us to arrive home safely. After watching airplanes landing all around us, some closer than my husband would have liked, we were finally cleared for takeoff.
Breaking through the clouds was trying as they were so heavy that it seemed almost as if they did not want to be penetrated. Their density and greyness pushing back against us, rocking the plane for a while. The mystery and strength of the storm sweeping into the city enveloping us like we were a toy airplane. Front and back looked exactly the same - totally and utterly grey. Then like magic we reached our desired altitude and all above us was blue sky, clear and beautiful, beneath us puffy white clouds.
Where had the ominous skies gone? There was obviously still there but now they were beneath us, obscured by the puffy white clouds. It was so gratifyingly peaceful to fly above the madness below. This wonderful interlude of smooth flying illustrating how flying is such a poetic reminder that the sky is always blue, it’s just sometimes we can’t see it.
I reminded myself of this as we got closer to Bermuda when we had to move from the safety of the blue skies into the dark and heavy clouds below to land sending us rocking and rolling again. Each glimpse I got of the turquoise ocean between the dark clouds reminded me that even in the darkest hours there is hope. Then when I saw the runway break through the clouds I knew we were in the home stretch so the turbulence became a means to getting me to where I wanted to be – home. Another reminder that sometimes we have to endure challenges we did not anticipate but as long as we keep the end in view, we can overcome them all.
We landed in pouring rain. The colours of my picturesque home muted by the heaviness of the showers and clouds all around. At first I was disappointed but then I remembered we are not facing a Nor’easter like the people along the Northeast and I was home on my own soil, safe and sound with my family. Back to reality. Exhausted and relieved. And for these lessons I am truly grateful.

Happy Birthday Momma

It's October 28 - always a day of confusion and reflection for me because it's my mother's birthday. She would have been 79, still young in this day and age but an age she never saw or knew what it felt like. She has been dead for 35 years now - a lot of years and still the pain remains. The feelings of what could have been if she was here still niggle at me.
I am always confused on this day because I'm not even sure if her birthday even exists anymore considering she is dead and has been for a long time. What are you meant to celebrate when people die - their birthdates or their deathdates? Not sure but both of those dates stir emotions deep within me so I have to acknowledge them both in order to understand the emotion swirling within me.
I often wonder what her life was like when she was young. What her dreams and aspirations were? I often wonder whether she regretted having children, making the decisions she made. I often wonder what the point of her life was to be cut down so suddenly, so unexpectedly, without having the opportunity to right some of the wrongs I know she so desperately wanted to do.
I will never forget the haunted look she often had in her eyes just before she died. The desperation that oozed out of her in her last days. The fear that maybe she knew deep inside she was going. I hated her for the longest time for leaving us in her mess, for not being the person I thought she was capable of being, for giving up on us and life. I craved to be everything she was not. I was driven to be independent, financially secure, to remain single, and never to have children so I could always keep my options open - never to be tied to anyone or anything like she was.
But life softened me when I met my husband and then had a breast cancer scare, both making me realise there is more to life than just achieving goals for self. When I became a mother, I understood more about my mother and the choices she made. I understood that no matter how grown up we think we are, we always hold on to the child within us looking for acknowledgement and approval. I understood that as parents we do the best we can with the resources we have. I empathised with her so much more than I ever could when I stepped into her shoes.
I realised she was a broken woman whose mother had died when she was young as well and she did the best she could for us. Her options were limited by some of the choices she made but she instilled in me how important it is to be a woman of compassion and love before she left me. She set me on a path that has brought me to where I am today by giving me all she had at the time and for her I am truly grateful.
With much love admiration and appreciation, Happy Birthday momma, my hero. I miss you lots and wish we could have become women together but it was not meant to be so I am just appreciative of the time we did have together. Hopefully I am making you proud. I love you more than words can ever say as you are embedded deep within my heart and soul – never to let go even in death.

Colours really do affect our moods

It's interesting how the landscape had completely changed in Vermont overnight. The sun didn’t shine much at all yesterday and the colours were all dull. A majority of the trees had lost their leaves seemingly overnight. It was much cooler and I have to admit I did not feel as creative and inspired as I had the days before.
It felt almost as if the colour had been taken out of my soul leaving me feeling depleted and oh so blah. Searching for inspiration, I read through my emails and found the Daily Om message from the day before. It talked about the fact that colours are very important to our psyches. Before we see anything else we see colour. Based on our associations with the colours we see, we form unconscious opinions about our surroundings. I immediately breathed a sigh of relief because I had the answer for why I felt so blue.
My environment had changed from vibrant to grey in one night. There was nothing gradual about the transformation. Gone are the magical colours that were prevalent the day before. How could everything change so suddenly? How could my mood shift so quickly? Easy because grey means dull to me. My association with grey is to want to stay indoors in my pyjamas and do nothing. But I have two children so that was not about to happen. I had to talk myself out of being grey and find something that would pick me up again.
Decision made. Our daughter wanted to do a horse riding lesson. After some checking around, we found a stable in Morristown where she could do a lesson. Once we got there she was ecstatic when she saw she would be riding a white Shetland pony called Dusty. She didn’t want us to watch her lesson so my husband, son and I went to the Glen Moss Falls to walk and look at the falls. As we entered the little park, my husband pointed out impressive beaver dams and then we noticed the trees the beavers had been gnawing on to build their dams. It was totally unbelievable to see the destruction created by little beavers. Large trees destroyed and keeling over. Gnawed at their trunks. Left as territorial reminders that this was beaver land.
"How do they carry them?" my son asked.
Then we saw signs of where they dragged them across the ground to build their dams. Their tenacity left us speechless.
We walked on and though I was terrified, I climbed to the top of what to others would seem like a little hill but to me a mountain and there before us was the beautiful sight of Glen Moss Falls in its full glory. I had to hold on to the tree behind me to steady myself so I would not feel the pull of the ground below. I conquered my fear by standing at the top of the mound overlooking this majestic fall. And I was immensely proud of myself because on that grey day I needed something to make me feel accomplished and the climb provided me with just that particularly after being rewarded by the beautiful sight of the Falls.
The climb back down was slightly easier as long as my husband was in front of me. The closer we got to the bottom the better I felt. And when we got to the bottom of the hill and I looked back up at the top of the hill I was so proud of myself for facing my fear. And then the magic set in again as the greyness gave way to the golden sunlight streaming through the barren trees. Gold once again became the colour of the day. My mood lifted and I felt so much better because I had faced my fear, colours came flooding back in and my outlook for the day changed completely. The power of the mind never ceases to amaze me.

Believing in Make Believe

Yesterday was a day that made me truly believe in magic. I felt like I was in the midst of a fairytale with everything around me magical, enchanting and almost dreamlike. I felt like a little child again – all tingling and bright. Eyes wide open in wonderment and awe.
The morning started out very dark, heavy fog covered the majority of the mountains changing them so they looked like black menacing obelisks. The trees had lost their spectacular colour to the darkness around them – making them look barren and foreboding. We sat at the breakfast table leisurely eating breakfast trying to decide if we were going to let the oppressive day outside keep us inside.
We decided to take the morning slow, read a bit, watch a bit of television and just be. After a few hours of quiet time, we decided to take a drive to Stowe. As we loaded into the car, hope crept back into the day as the fog started to lift off the mountains allowing slivers of sunlight to stream through.
As we crested over the hill from Smuggler's Notch, we could see clear blue skies ahead, exactly where we were going. The light changed. The air grew lighter. We all started chatting at the same time.
"There are very few red leaves left," said my son.
Yes we all agreed but each time we spotted a red leaved tree, it took our breath away. As we drove closer to Stowe the prevalent colours were orange and gold. We had a wonderful lunch at the Green Mountain Inn with a friendly waiter from Jamaica reminding us how the world is quickly becoming a melting pot of people from all different cultures. A Jamaican in Stowe serving a family from Bermuda – who would have thought?
We walked around the town for a bit taking in the lovely architecture of the buildings, the friendliness of the people, its beauty and serenity. We marvelled at the cleanliness, the lack of neon and flashing signs, the quirkiness of the shops and people. We liked the individuality of the stores, no chains, no run of the mill stuff – different, unexpected and lovely.
We began our drive back to Smuggler's full of the Stowe experience and just when we thought we had seen as much beauty as was possible, we hit the entrance to the Smuggler's Notch pass where we were embraced by a line of beautiful golden trees. It felt like we were being pulled into an Enchanted Garden.
My husband and I said to each other at the same time, “Isn’t this magical.”
My husband continued, “Definitely makes you believe you are seeing things on those hills.”
My daughter then started reciting the names of her Brownie group’s names. “The imps, the pixies, the leprechauns, the elves, the gnomes, the calpies, and the fairies,” almost as if she was being lulled in by the magic that surrounded us as well.
Looking at the hills on each side, I imagined the fairies, pixies, imps and elves dancing among the trees, fluttering back and forth, sprinkling their magic dust through the air. I visualized dwarfs, gnomes and leprechauns getting into mischief behind the large boulders and laughing at us as we drove by. I could hear the song of the wood fairies lulling us through. I could feel the magic in the air as golden leaves, orange leaves, copper leaves and red leaves fluttered daintily to the ground almost as if they were dancing to the wood song.
Then when we reached the top of the Smuggler's Notch pass in the distance before us lay the valley all lit up by the setting sun, light dancing, and dazzling, sending shivers up and down my spine. The scenery was oh so magical, mystical and enchanting.
It was definitely a day where I truly believed in make believe because it was there right in front of my eyes. Lulling me in. Encouraging my imagination to soar. Willing me to accept there is a whole world of make believe that lives alongside us if we open our minds to it. What a wonderfully creative and uplifting experience. Thank you Universe for allowing me to be open to witness your magic. To awaken and embrace the child in me who always knew the world is full of magic…

The Power of Fear

The start of the day was again picturesque. Just the right light sending beautiful hues over the trees. So much natural beauty it takes your breath away.
After some scheduled talks at the timeshare, we had the whole day in front of us to do whatever we pleased – the beauty of an unplanned vacation. Lovely.
We took a drive to Bingham Falls which is located just beyond the beautiful and yet austere Smugglers Notch Pass - a windy road that my husband said reminds him of a much larger version of Ess Hill in Bermuda. We drove past Bingham Falls because it is not sign posted but knew we had because we had dropped down into the valley. The wildness of the woods had disappeared.
When we finally found the Falls, it was worth it. The path way was narrow and surrounded by trees. The sign had been removed. Perhaps the locals are trying to preserve this reverent site for themselves. Understandably so. There was a certain silence that enveloped us as we walked along the path, the road disappearing behind us. Civilization gone. The sound of the waterfall becoming louder with each step. The rushing of water calling us. The path slippery, muddy, leaves falling around us. The smell of wet leaves permeating the air.
My husband and children walked to the edge to see the rushing water. I held my breath and stayed where I was. My fear of heights gluing me to the spot. I so wanted to go with them but with each step I tried to take, hot flashes shot through my body. A cold sweat broke out on my brow. The ground below calling my name if I even got close to the edge. Nausea came in waves. I gasped and told them to go on without me.
“Are you sure?” my husband asked. “I’ll hold your hand and take you down.”
I tried to get close to him but I couldn’t. A wall of fear had built like a fortress in front of me. Stopping me. Pushing me back.
“No,” I replied weakly. “I can’t. I can’t do it.” My hands clammy and shaking. “Go on ahead without me.”
“It’s okay mommy,” my daughter called. “There are steps mommy.”
I tried to get close but I couldn’t. I didn’t even get near enough to see the steps.
“You go on ahead,” I called, trying to sound cheerful. “I’ll wait here for you to come back.”
Disappointment spread through me as I watched my family disappear over the "edge" because that's what it felt like for me. I stood alone in the middle of the wood. Talking to myself, trying to silence the demons in my head. Trying to calm myself.
My head jerked side to side as every sound became a threat. It's strange how what was enchanting and beautiful a few seconds before when I was with my family had transformed into a dank and menacing world when I was on my own.
My mind starting playing tricks on me. Every falling leaf became some sort of menace. Dead tree trunks became creatures lurking in the woods. The sound of the rushing water still calling my name. The edge crept closer to me as I felt like the world was closing in on me. As the fear spread like a virus through my body while my thoughts were rushing through my mind, I turned and saw my family coming back to me. Smiles on their faces. Adventure gleaming from their eyes. Accomplishment oozing from their pores.
I was relieved to see them but at the same time I felt I had limited my possibility by letting fear overcome me. They said it was so beautiful down at the bottom of the falls. They chatted excitedly. I let my fear go. I let my disappointment go. I accepted that I had limited my own experience but was not about to spoil it for my family by staying in my funk.
I shook my apprehensive feelings away telling myself there is always another time to face my fear and go through it. Maybe. Some days are better than others for me when it comes to facing my fear and yesterday was just not one of those days.
We walked back through the beautiful pathway, all anxiety replaced with warmth as my husband wrapped his arms around me. My children jumping the rocks as we made our way back to civilization. And with every step away from the edge my breathing became less ragged and I was able to embrace the peacefulness of the moment once again.

Not taking everyday life for granted

Yesterday was a wonderful relaxed day for us as a family. No plans. No obligations. Just a day for us to be together and enjoy our time as a family with no demands.
We drove into the little town of Jeffersonville and had the most wonderful breakfast at a trendy little restaurant called, The Mix. Highly recommend it to anyone visiting Smugglers Notch or Stowe. The food, ambiance and service were superb. Everything was freshly prepared and we were having a lively conversation about Vermont and life in general. I felt so happy and blessed to be with my family in such a relaxed setting.
Within minutes the mood changed when my husband started to feel off. He said his vision was blurred. His hands were clammy. And he said he just did not feel right. He felt off. I was worried but did not want to show it in front of our children. He got up from the table to go to the bathroom to try to shake how he felt.
I watched his retreating back and realised without a doubt that I did not want to lose my husband. I realised just how much I love and rely on him. I realised just how much stability he provides to our household. I began to feel ill myself at the thought of something happening to him. I worried about how we would get back to Bermuda from Smugglers Notch because my husband had driven us here from Burlington and it was about an hour’s drive. Though I had lived in the US many years ago, I have lost my nerve to drive here so I panicked about how I would get my family back if something happened.
I questioned why he would get sick just when we were relaxing as a family together, putting all reality aside for our escape in this picturesque and peaceful place. I prayed silently that he would be okay. I counted the seconds which felt like hours before he emerged from the bathroom, all while engaging my children in conversation, not letting them see my panic.
I watched my husband as he walked back to the table and I could see he was still not quite himself but quickly pushed aside his illness to immerse himself back into our family life. I breathed a sigh of relief as I realised he was going to be okay. My spirits lifted and our conversation took on a more relaxed tone.
We left the restaurant with full bellies and still no plans for the day. We drove onto the Main Street of Jeffersonville parked the car then walked down the street to a river. The air was crisp and clean. The temperature a cool 44 degrees. The streets quiet except for us. I looked at my husband and the colour had come back to his cheeks. I looked at my children racing along the path. My daughter finding a horse in a yard drawing us all to say hello. My son wishing he had brought his longboard because the streets were perfect for him to board. I looked at my perfect family and the beautiful setting we were in and said a silent prayer that we would all be all right and gave thanks for allowing us this precious time together.
I looped my arm through my husband's. My daughter came running up beside my husband and looped her arm through his other side yelling to her brother, "Come on and join the family."
My heart skipped a beat. My body filled with love and pride as I felt a joy rising in me knowing we were all all right. The storm had passed and my family was again one as I looked up into my husband's eyes and knew he was good which meant we were all good.
I am truly grateful for being reminded that we should not take for granted the blessings and abundance we have in our everyday lives because they can change in an instant as my husband’s illness yesterday showed me. And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

Fall shows change is good

Sunday morning and today we woke up as a family in our Smuggler's Notch, Vermont timeshare.
We arrived last night so we did not fully appreciate the splendour of our surroundings until this morning.
Our condo gives us a birds eye view of the mountains and in front of the mountains is a beautiful array of fall colours by the lovely trees. Oranges, reds, rusts, yellows and a smattering of green. It is so picturesque that it looks like something out of a story book.
On the right side there is still a mist over the mountains because the sun has not reached that side yet. Clouds still hover leaving a dramatic backdrop for the trees in front. Darkness behind beauty.
In front of us is a man made lake with not a ripple in the water - still, dark, yet enchanting. Two adirondeck chairs sit facing the lake. An artists dream.
My children are reading their books. My husband is having a look around to see what's available. It is a serene day. A wondeful way to start our family holiday surrounding by the wonders of nature and absolute peace.
It is so still so silent, so serene. The colours are such a contrast to the turquoises, various shades of blue that we are used to at home. These colours are the colours of fall showing the season has changed - reminding us that there is a season for everything - with not one lasting more than it should.
The trees reminding us that in every season there is beauty(Fall) before desolation (Winter)before beauty makes her entrance again (Spring) and then she flourishes into her full magnificance (Summer). The leaves are changing and have already died on some of the trees leaving them dark, desolate and bare compared to others still holding on to their beauty for a bit longer. But soon they will be leafless and bare ready for winter - the next season. And despite the changes they experience at the end of the day they are still the same tree throughout the season just taking on different adornments to cope with whatever season they find themselves in. Adapting, changing, but still staying true to their core - a real lesson for us all to take a look at nature sometimes to remind ourselves that sometimes we must adapt to our surroundings and challenges arming ourselves with whatever it is we need to make it through as long as we stay true to our authentic selves, we can survive and flourish through anything.
What a blessing this morning to be reminded of how beauty makes way for a different stage of beauty before desolation before reflourishing again - take a look at a tree in a four season climate someday to remind you when you forget.
The sun is casting light over the mountains now making the trees look like they're on fire. Time to get out and enjoy it. Enjoy your Sunday as I know we will.

When you are comfortable, move on

The theme of the Oprah Winfrey Life Class Webcast last night was full of such inspirational thoughts I decided to dedicate my blog today to some of the wonderful insights that were shared by Oprah and Iyanla. Their message was so powerful and humbling at the same time. I am still in awe of the gifts bestowed by these wonderful women upon us. We are so fortunate to have them sharing their love and light with us to help us through this monumental shift occurring in our consciousness.
Someone suggested Oprah’s tag line should be Empowerment TV for OWN. I so agree particularly when statements such as this one was made by Iyanla Vanzant, “When you are comfortable you are not growing.”
That statement is so true. When we challenge ourselves we feel so much better afterwards but when we stay in our comfort zone that’s when we feel like we are stuck in a rut. Therefore it is important to know when to bow out because when we have learnt that lesson, there is no reason to stay. Many of us have been in this position before.
Oprah echoed this statement when she told the audience whenever she gets comfortable in a position she knows it’s time to move on. She talked about being very comfortable with her show and could have easily stayed on but she was not getting the same joy out of it anymore so she knew it was time to move on. A lesson many of us can take on board and learn from.
Next up was affirmation of my blog the day before - when we surrender control, we can move forward. By surrendering control, ego gets pushed aside and allows room for our authentic selves to come through. I know how powerful I feel when I surrender but it’s hard to stay there. We just need to make it our practice to give ourselves permission to get into that space.
The next provoking question was, who are we without true authentic power? The message I took away from this is that we are much more than the physical or our current position in life. Until we tap into our authentic power, we will always be insecure when the physical is taken away or our place in life changes.
A way to help to tap into our authentic power is to know a belief is a thought we think over and over again. We need to ask ourselves constantly, “what is the belief that we are holding about ourselves?” And our mantra to remain present with ourselves is, “My presence is enough.”
Oprah concluded by saying, “Life gives us an endless supply of do overs.” It’s ego that stops us from doing. Do whatever brings us joy. If it’s our calling then it will resonate with us and will embrace us. Tell the truth about what we really want to be – whatever it may be - Claim it and own it.
Have the clarity of whatever it is that we want and don’t be afraid to ask for it. And life will give us exactly what we need. Amen.

I surrender all

“I surrender . I surrender. I surrender all.”
Yesterday was one of those days when I was bombarded from everywhere about so many different things that people wanted me to do, needed me to do. I felt so out of control because I was so busy trying to fit everyone else’s demands into my life. My head was spinning.
I decided I needed to go to Yoga just to centre myself again. I needed to shut down all the outside chatter that had found its way inside my head. I needed to focus on my internal voice, my inner compass to let me know what decisions I had to make and which ones I had to leave alone.
As I was driving in, the song and the voice of Oprah Winfrey kept popping into my head, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender all.” I looked up at the sky and realised that I was getting a message from the Universe to tell me to just let it all go and surrender to whatever was meant to happen next. I was being told to stop resisting, stop clouding my judgement and just trust in the Higher Power.
I thought back to the Oprah show when she talked about how she so desperately wanted to be in The Colour Purple movie that she was made herself sick from worry. It got to the point where the worry was consuming her so much that she was neglecting other aspects of her life. One day while out running around the track, she started singing, “I surrender . I surrender. I surrender all.” She repeated the song over and over again as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was in that moment that she realised no matter how much she tried to force the outcome, it would only happen if that was where she was meant to be. So she surrendered to the Power of the Universe. Shortly thereafter she learned that she had the part.
When I walked into the Yoga class, I went immediately to the Yogi message of the day book to help me set my intention for the class. Lo and behold the message was about the importance of surrendering to the Divine Plan. I knew instantly that I had to just let it all go. Even thought it was difficult to give up control of what I was meant to do, I set my intention for the class to do just that. With each salutation and pose, I felt myself becoming more and more connected to my centre. I felt my mind, body and soul slowly reconnecting with each other. I felt the pressure and tension oozing out of my pores.
When we did the final relaxation stage at the end of class, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as visions of where I was meant to be flashed through my mind. I knew then that all I had to do was to surrender all to the Divine Plan. When the meditation was done, I opened my eyes and was amazed by how everything around me seemed less sharp, softer yet more focused and I knew I had received the message from the Universe.
I walked out of the class totally surrendering to the Divine Plan. Everything fell into place for the day thereafter because I was able to deal with whatever came my way from a point of love and light rather than fear and darkness.
And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

Trying to find the balance in parenting

At what point do we let our children learn from their mistakes?
At what point are we meant to intervene?
There is so much in the press about helicopter parents hovering over their children not giving them the space to breathe, robbing them of the opportunity to make their own decisions.
Then there are the parents who are so absent from their children’s lives that the children are practically raising themselves.
Which child will come out most equipped to deal with life and its sure uncertainties? How will the child who never made a decision cope when he has to make a decision? How will the child who had had no direction know when she is making a good decision when no one has given her any direction in the first place?
I am so torn with this tween stage in my twelve year old son’s life. He wants desperately to be independent. He doesn’t want us checking his homework. He thinks it’s cheating if we do because if he was in school we would not be checking his work. I respect his decision and I must admit I am in slight awe of him because he is obviously so sure of his ability that he does not need us to reassure him. But at the same time I worry when I see his homework results slipping compared to his class work. Am I meant to start hovering then?
My son’s school instituted a new system where parents now have access to our children’s daily grades and I’m on the fence about whether I like this system or not. I resisted looking at it all last term when it was first introduced because I felt it was too invasive of my son’s life and I did not want to be constantly checking up on him when he is a good student. However after hearing so many other parents’ feedback I decided to go in and check it out. Once I did I was hooked. Just like all of the technology that we find ourselves hooked on, I am obsessed with checking my son’s grades because I have immediate access to information – hard data - results.
I check and recheck my son’s progress every day, praising him on good results and reprimanding him when I know he can do better. But is this a good thing? Are we putting too much pressure on our children to be perfect when in fact at twelve my son is at the age and stage in life where he is trying to figure out who he is and where he fits in? How awful must it be for him that I know on a daily basis how he is performing at school?
I think back to the days when I goofed off at school, played the fool and still finished in the top three. There was no one hovering over me questioning my every flaw making me feel bad for being a tween. And I know I would have been mortified if my parent was constantly reviewing everything I did.
Do we as parents have far too much access to our children’s lives so much so that we are not letting them discover for themselves who they are?
I am struggling as a parent to strike a balance. I know what it feels like to be the only child who had no one show up for parent teacher meetings because I was that child. I know what it feels like to have no feedback from any parent because I was that child. I know how it feels to wish someone cared because I was that child. At the end of the day I learned to stand on my own two feet because I knew no one was going to rescue me if I got in trouble. I learned that life can be unfair, horrible even but as long as I was doing the best I could everything worked out eventually.
The school of hard knocks is a bit tough for me to pass along to my children because I don’t want them to feel neglected. I just hope I can strike the balance so my son and then my daughter have the space to breathe, to discover who they are on their own, learn it’s okay to make mistakes as long as they learn from them, and know they are truly loved, cared for and heard.

Inner voice comes a calling

Mornings are getting difficult now because they are so dark and it is really hard getting out of bed when it still feels like it’s the middle of the night. All I want to do is roll over and pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. The motivation to get out of bed and face another day is becoming a challenge. This morning was no exception.
Every time I tried to close my eyes this morning and go back to sleep, a little voice in my head kept telling me that I was going to regret it if I did. So begrudgingly I made myself get out of bed. As soon as my feet hit the floor I felt energy surge through me.
I went to the family room door, pulled back the drapes and looked out at the night sky. Two bright stars in the midst of puffy clouds were twinkling against the black sky forcing me to inhale the possibility of today. I then exhaled and went into the kitchen to start my daily routine. For some reason about fifteen minutes later I felt compelled to go to the office window to look outside. The sight before me was amazing.
The dark sky was giving way to the morning sky casting an ambient light behind slightly orangey red clouds. I felt such joy after experiencing how quickly my mood was lifted when the dark gave way to the light. I stood at the window for a few minutes letting the tingling sensation resonate throughout my body as I whispered my gratitude for seeing another day dawning.
I walked back into the kitchen and immediately felt closed in so I opened all the shutters and windows to let the possibility being offered by the day in. The light in the kitchen immediately changed to reflect the shift in mood.
And what’s even more rewarding is after quietening my mind with a ten minute meditation I then pulled a life purpose oracle card and the card I pulled was “Infinite Abundance – You’re fully supported as you devote yourself to your Divine life purpose.”
I took this as a definite message from the Universe to remind me that the more I let go of worry and trust in the universe’s infinite abundance, the faster my flow of abundance will come. The card reinforced that “prayer and positive feelings improve situations, while worry worsens everything.” It also encouraged me, “to devote my actions to following the voice within, my career partner and manager, as it’s the voice of our answered prayer. All prayers are heard and answered; listen especially to the response that comes to you in the form of intuition.”
I am so glad I listened to my inner voice this morning telling me to get out of bed because had I not I would have missed the awakening of this beautiful day. And had I done so, I would not have remembered that the dark always gives way to the light. Though I am still in my period of seeking, with each day, the light is getting closer to me, I can feel it. I just need to remind myself to keep the faith and to listen to my inner voice. And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

White Lights in the sky

There is a certain electricity in the air, like something is coming. Something big and unexpected. When I got home the other night from the airport, my family was so excited that they were talking on top of each other like they couldn’t get the words out quick enough. At first I thought it was purely because they were excited I was home but once I managed to calm them down, I realised they had witnessed something magical and unexplainable.
“Mommy, mommy, we saw a UFO,” said my daughter.
“It was a white light swirling in the sky,” said my son.
I looked at my husband fully expecting him to say they were making it up. Instead he shrugged his shoulders and said, “We all saw it, hon and I don’t know what it was. I can’t explain it.”
“Did anyone else see it?”I asked.
“Yes, our neighbour called us to ask us if we could see lights in the sky,” my husband replied. “That’s why we went outside. It was something big and bright and it felt like it was directly over the top of us.”
“And it was whiter than any white I have ever seen, mommy,”” said my daughter.
“Wherever we went it seemed like it was directly above us,” said my son. “And what was even weirder was that every few second the sky would turn completely blue.”
“Did you go to the neighbours?” I asked.
“No because my sister was too scared. She was screaming and crying that she wanted to go inside so we did,”” said my son.
“It was really scary mommy,”” said my daughter hiding behind me. I hugged her and told her everything was going to be okay.
“Was it fireworks?”I asked.
They both said, “No, because we would have heard the bangs but it was silent.”
I asked my son, the quintessential budding scientist and laser expert, “Could someone have been shining a large laser into the sky?”
“No mommy,” he replied. “”There were no clouds in the sky so there was nothing for the laser to bounce off.””
“Do lasers need something to bounce off?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “They need an opaque object to bounce the light off and there was not a cloud in the sky.”
Here it is two days later and they are still talking about whatever it was they saw in the dark night sky. Trying to understand the significance of it. According to our neighbours who saw the same thing they watched the lights for half hour before they disappeared and each neighbour felt the lights were directly above them.
I remember driving back in the taxi from the airport that night marvelling at the stillness of the very dark night, no moon, and the blackness of the ocean with not a ripple across it. Yet I had a feeling there was something in the air. What I didn’t know was I had literally missed something in the air that had sent ripples through my household.
There is definitely something going on in the universe. A shift . A change. I can feel it and I am both afraid and excited at the same time.
Could that light show two nights ago have been a sign? If it was, I hope whatever it was is friendly.
If anyone saw anything similar let me know so I can help my children solve this mystery.

Life truly is wonderful

Waking up this morning in my own bed with my daughter wrapped around me and my husband snuggled in on the other side of me was absolute bliss!
To add magic to the moment, once I got out of bed and looked outside, I was blown away by the natural beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. The Golden Shower tree laden with yellow flowers was swaying side to side in the gentle breeze. My daughter’s cute little pink Bermuda cottage style playhouse (which she rarely uses now) standing grandly in the midst of the greenery reminded me of something you would expect in a Secret Garden. The lushness and maturity of the trees took my breath away.
As I was marvelling at the magic, the birds started chirping and I watched the dainty little chick of the village birds fluttering throughout the trees. Slivers of sunlight dazzled through sending shimmers all over the yard. I felt like I was having an out of body experience as I was infused with so much joy from the spectacular morning show.
I took a deep breath, inhaled the freshness of the morning, revelled in its peace, and then gave thanks for the blessings I have in my life already. The simple wonders of nature that surround me every morning that I take for granted took me by surprise this morning because I had not seen my home for a few days having just returned the night before from New York City.
Don’t get me wrong, I love New York City. It is one of my favourite places to go to feel the vibe of different people of all walks of life. It has energy like no other city but it is not a place where I wake up in the morning marvelling at the scenery.
As a matter of fact I remember waking up one morning, looking outside and thinking of Gotham City, Batman’s place, because my view consisted only of other buildings. Tall buildings that obscured the light deceivingly so because I felt I was in constant darkness until I looked up. It was when looking up that I could see a perfect blue sky but the splendour of the skies and sunshine is not as immediate as it is here in Bermuda.
My Island home greeted me with a picture perfect day today reminding me that I have so much to be grateful for even on those days when I feel otherwise or I take for granted the beauty I am constantly surrounded by. A beautiful yellow butterfly fluttered past my window as I was typing as if nature was sending me a message to say thank you for appreciating it.
Happy to be home. Grateful for all that I have. Appreciating the beauty naturally on display outside my windows. Life truly is wonderful...

Understanding the need to pass the baton

“Fear makes us human. ...As long as I have fear I know I am alive." spoken by Samuel L. Jackson as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the thought provoking play on Broadway, The Mountaintop.
When I heard that line in the play, I knew I was meant to be there. I understood why the friends I was supposed to see last night cancelled because I was being by led by a much Higher Power to see The Mountaintop.
When Samuel Jackson spoke about fear, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me as I had been dealing with fear throughout the weekend. Fear that I am not good enough for this writing conference. Fear that my story is not what people want. His words told me that I am only human and that fear comes hand in hand when we step outside of our comfort zones.
The resounding message of the play was that it is up to all of us to continue to strive for a world of peace and equality not through violence but through compassion, understanding and empathy. Jackson's character said that at the end of the day people across the world regardless of their skin color or background all face the same underlying feeling of fear. We are all afraid - afraid of the unknown, afraid of giving up the traditions we feel comfortable with, afraid of change, and afraid of losing our place in society. He surmises that’s why he had empathy for the white people that were doing the horrible things they were because at the base of it all, they were afraid.
I was surprised by how Dr. King was being depicted at first and felt very uncomfortable watching several of the scenes because in my mind this man was one of the untouchables. And I found it disturbing that he was being humanized so much. Consequently, I found parts of the middle tough to handle. But the end was so unexpected and powerful that I forgot about the discomfort I felt and understood why he was being portrayed in the way he was.
Angela Bassett, in her character as a maid at The Lorraine Hotel, blew the roof off the house at the end with a monologue that sent chills up and down my spine. Bassett started off by uttering the names of people that were to follow in the footsteps of Dr. King. She preached how their presence in the world was to continue to carry the baton for the race that Dr. King had started. By the time she finished speaking; her presence on the stage was larger than life. In my opinion, she left an imprint of the names of the people that would change the world based on the foundation laid by Dr. King reverberating throughout everyone’s consciousness.
This glimpse into the future allowed Dr. King to accept his job on Earth was done and in order for the baton to be carried he had to become a martyr. A place he did not want at first but accepted it when he understood his role was done.
The Mountaintop infused me with such confidence and strength because it reminded me I am a product of the work of martyrs like Dr. King. I owe it to him and those who came before me to not let fear stop me from exploring the unknown. I cannot be afraid to be me. I cannot hide behind what's comfortable. It's only when I step out of my comfort zone that I will experience the growth I need allowing me to pass the baton to those who will follow me.

God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday I had a very humbling experience.
I attended a writing conference and found myself in the presence of highly intellectual people - a medical doctor, a PhD, a magazine writer, an ex CEO of a major investment company, and a screen play writer, to name a few. Hearing these people's credentials and listening to what their manuscripts were about, I felt like a fish out of water.
With each speaker, I could feel my confidence slipping away as I questioned why I was even there. I had chosen to come to explore my writing rather than going to Atlanta to the O magazine day. With each hour that passed, I believed I had made the wrong choice. I questioned whether I could come close to what these people were talking about and writing. I felt my manuscript was so insignificant compared to theirs. Needless to say, I couldn't wait for the lunch break to get outside to breathe again.
I walked around the city not thinking about the conference or the people that were there. I allowed myself to blend into the masses of people because I needed to hide. I needed time to find me without standing out so I could build my strength again. It took all I had to walk back into the conference but I did. I sat through the afternoon and really listened to the critiques that were given, wrote notes on any tips I felt could help me, then came back to the hotel.
I watched the Joy segment of the Oprah webcasts. A woman who was struggling to write came on and asked how she could get out of her own way to start writing. Iyanla Vanzant told the woman she already was a writer because all she had to do was to pick up a pencil and paper and start writing. She also told the woman that she was lying to herself because she obviously did not want to be just a writer but a famous writer. She asked the woman to ask herself what had she attached to her writing. The woman acknowledged she did want to become a famous writer.
Iyanla told the woman she had to write what resonated with her, not what she thought would be a best seller. An Aha moment hit me so squarely in my face as I realized I was being sent a message from a Higher Power. My insecurity today came from thinking I needed to write about things that were far more intellectual rather than writing about what feels good and right for me. I got such joy from watching Iyanla come into her own because she was being her authentic self. I was filled with inspiration and went back and rewrote my book summary because as Iyanla said," God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things."
And that's what resonated with me, I am being used by a Higher Power to write from my heart and if someone else wants to join me on this journey, that's a bonus. I was infused with confidence again because I know I should not place any attachments on my writing. All I need to do is write. And write I will. It may turn out not to be my life calling to be a number one bestselling author but I will continue to write and share as long as it feels good to me.
So what I learned yesterday by being so intimidated in my writing group is that as long as we place attachments to whatever it is we really want to do, all we are doing is limiting our possibilities by allowing ego to stand in our way. So I am going to try to not let ego prevent me from enjoying what I do and as Nike used to say, “Just do it.”

Understanding the importance of living our truth

I had another Aha moment watching the Oprah LifeClass webcast last night and a veil lifted I didn't even know was there.
I realized I am attracting so many people, even complete strangers, from many different walks of life, into my life right now because I have taken a step closer to my truth by writing this blog. And in doing so I am radiating such a light of truth that people want to be near me. It is so freeing just knowing this.
Before I would have apologized for acknowledging the light I am radiating because I would have been afraid that people would call me arrogant and whisper behind my back. I would have worried that they would be saying things like, “who does she think she is?” Since listening to Oprah's life changing series, I know in order for me to keep growing I have to continue to let my light shine by being truthful to what resonates within my soul.
Yesterday I flew from Bermuda and ended up sitting next to an intriguing man on the flight. He is retired and enjoys flying airplanes. We had some pretty philosophical discussions during that hour and forty five minutes flight. It was almost as if we had known each other all our lives.
I believe we had these conversations because when I sat down, I looked the gentleman in the eye, smiled and greeted him. Immediately his whole demeanor changed, became more relaxed and the energy between us joined. It allowed us to be open and honest with each other about fears, human nature, politics, religion and every other taboo subject but at no point did we challenge each other. We just talked and listened to each other.
What stuck in my mind about this man was when he said to me, "I am not a spectator in life. I live life vicariously." He had a very serious illness when he was younger that left him slightly debilitated. This experience forced him to go inside and reassess his life and thought processes. After months of being paralyzed and then having to learn how to walk again, he made a life changing decision. He decided instead of crawling under a rock and claiming himself to be a victim because he cannot walk the way he used to, can't run the way he used to, he channeled his energies into things he could do like ski where it does not matter that the bottom half of his legs don't cooperate with him. Because his legs don’t always act as quickly as he would like them to, he became an avid pilot because it gives him a sense of freedom. I helped this man to remember to be proud of his choices because I spoke my truth.
Then last evening I went to have a manicure and pedicure done. I ended up talking to the lady that owns the shop because I looked her in the eyes and acknowledged her too. The walls of separation between us was shattered and we ended up chatting like two old girlfriends who had not seen each other in years. She told me about how she knew she could never work for anyone and had to control her own destiny so she opened her shop. Initially she was so consumed with making money she became a workaholic and was not satisfied unless she was counting money. She worked around the clock. But two years after she started her business, her husband told her he needed a girlfriend because all he had was a roommate rather than a wife. He said if she decided she wanted to be with him, she needed to stop working so much. She had been so consumed by her sense of success that she had forgotten to actually enjoy and live life. It forced her to reexamine her choices. Now she is not only working as much as she was but she is also giving herself time to be. She does Yoga every morning before going to work and she spends weekends with her husband. She is finally giving herself permission to explore who she truly is and she said she feels more settled. I helped this woman to remember her truth by being true with her.
The blog I posted yesterday was a confession on my behalf about the fear of others reading what I write and immediately I got feedback from my niece. Writing my blog has allowed us to reach a new level in our relationship. All because I am speaking my truth.
The other response was from a woman I met doing the O Magazine walk in NY. The woman has cancer and has been fighting it for some time. She gives me courage just by being who she is. We were two strangers whose paths crossed on a cold day in New York when we were amongst the highest fundraisers for the O magazine walk. We didn't get to spend the time we thought we would with Oprah but we developed a relationship that we would not have had we not been at that walk. Something drew us together and we stuck together for that walk. And still this woman is sticking with me now. So despite not getting the Oprah time, we connected on a much deeper level. Writing my blog has allowed us to reconnect once again. All because I am speaking my truth.
Then late last night I got another response to my confession yesterday by a woman I used to work with and she told me that she looks forward to reading my blog because each blog I have written has given her an Aha moment. Again because I am speaking my truth.
Sometimes strangers and old acquaintances come into our lives to remind us of how interconnected we are really are and as that gentleman I met on the airplane said, “There are only six degrees of separation.” To which I answered, “With modern technology, social networking, and the amount of travelling we all do, there is much less than that now.”
Sharing is power because it lets us know we are not alone which in turn allows us to be more open and truthful with ourselves and others. And what I learned more than anything yesterday is living my truth will always attract people into my life that I need because they are the ones who will help me to understand more about me. Living my truth will also repel people who cannot and will not accept me for who I am and they will fall to the wayside. I will grieve those people for a time but I have learned now I must move beyond them because only the truth will ever set me free.
Thank you to all those who are following me on my journey to me.

Travelling Day

Post is late because I spent the day getting prepared for travelling, travelling, arriving then shopping then manicure and pedicure so post is late. But what an interesting group of people I met today. More about that tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder where I've been. Who I am? Do I fit in?
For some reason this song from my youthful days has been playing over and over again in my mind. It seems like a lot of us are experiencing emotional turmoil.I feel as if we are all in a major transition stage. Moving to a different level of consciousness.
I am so grateful someone with as much influence and enlightenment as Oprah has taken the initiative to guide us through this major shift. With her power, she is able to bring people like Eckhart Tolle, Cheyrl Richardson and others to our homes via her show, Facebook and Twitter, allowing us the opportunity to explore or reawaken thought processes we never knew we had or had suppressed. It is so important right now as many of us are searching for answers. Questioning why we are where we are today. How we find ourselves facing situations we never dreamed we would ever find ourselves facing.
Last week Saturday, I got up early and went to Sereni-tea to take part in a guided meditation. I have so many moving parts in my life right now that I wanted to find a place to force me to go within. To listen to my stillness. To quiet my mind.
After the mediation, I was quiet but still felt I was being bombarded by many differing thoughts, influences and fears. However what I realise more than ever is the mediation actually prepared me for this week of Oprah Lifeclasses. It allowed space in my mind to take in the messages that are being delivered so that I can really hear them.
With the people that are coming on the show talking about their experiences and even with Oprah talking about hers, I have received confirmation that I am doing the right thing by sharing on my blog. It is good for my spiritual growth because it is allowing me to address issues that I would not have if writing hadn't not forced me to explore them. Sometimes I question whether I am putting myself out there for people to criticize because I am exposing some of my greatest weaknessses and fears. But when I look at those faces on Oprah or get feedback from people who read my blog when they experience an Aha moment , I know I am on the right path.
I also know there are some people out there who will do anything to use my weaknesses against me and I know they will find some things to criticise me about. But through this growth process what I know for sure is if they are then it is their journey not mine. The sole purpose of me writing this blog is for my own growth and understanding and if I can help people along the way by sharing my experiences then my journey is made that much more rewarding and special.
If you are reading my blog, there is something that is pulling you back. Even if you think it's to keep tabs on me or criticise me, there is a reason for you to come back to my blog. And that's a good thing.
I always dreamed I would be a writer. And I am finally doing it. Not exactly the way I thought I would be writing but it does feel good to me just the same. And more importantly, what I know for sure is that every person, place or thing that comes into my life provides me with inspiration to write and explore more about me.
And very often, I will wonder who I am and if I fit in because that means I am moving to another level in my consciousness. And for recognising this gift I am truly grateful.

Ego takes us out of present moment living

Did any of you see the Oprah Life Class on Monday night?
I was so overwhelmed by the class that it has taken me over a day to process it. Basically the class was all about pushing our egos aside in order to allow our authentic selves through. Not treating our ego as the enemy. Not fighting it. Just acknowledging it for what it is. I found this very deep and a bit confusing. So I gave myself some time to understand the concept.
Thinking back, the class was powerful particularly when Eckhart Tolle said, “Ego looks to the future to be fulfilled. Ego is afraid of the future because it knows that eventually the future will kill it. The solution to killing the ego is present moment living.”
Instead of projecting into the future we should be living in the moment, appreciating and learning from every event that is presently happening in our lives. I interpret this to mean living presently is the only way we can stop ego from ruling our lives. Ego is what makes us afraid, apprehensive, and insecure because it forces us to worry about what has not yet happened.
I think back to an event that happened to my children and me at JFK airport this summer. We were trying to escape the dreaded hurricane that turned into a tropical storm so the airport was like a zoo. We were ushered through check in because we were flying Jet Blue and were very close to their one hour minimum check in time. I was in a frenzy because I had made a last minute decision to shorten our vacation so I was not thinking straight.
Once we finished with check in, we rushed to security and for those of you who have gone through security at Jet Blue you know how long those lines can be. There was a security guard directing people where to go and I mistakenly thought he told us to go to the right so I followed his directions. There was a woman with her three friends who looked at me with disdain then looked at her friends then said to me, “The line is over here.”She proceeded to push in front of us, moving us out of their way. I realised she thought we were trying to cut in front of her.
At first I was irate that she was being so aggressive but then I released my feeling when I saw how stunned my children were. They looked to me for guidance. I told them not to worry about it as she was probably having a bad day.
As soon as I released my ego, a security guard came over and broke the line in front of us and moved us to a newly opened security check in. Miraculously, we ended up not only in front of the woman who had insisted we get behind her, but at the head of a new line. I could see the shocked look on the woman’s face in my peripheral vision. But I made a decision to avoid eye contact with her because I did not want to look like I was gloating. I also wanted to teach my children a lesson from the experience.
Once we were out of ear shot of the woman, I explained to my children that sometimes it’s not worth getting into a fight because just as she was trying to establish authority over us through her ego, she ended up losing out on an opportunity to get to the front of the line.
Ego is one of our greatest life hinders but as Eckhart Tolle says do not make it our enemy either because then it grows into something much larger. What we must accept and acknowledge is that “Ego is merely a misperception of who we truly are.”

It's okay to make mistakes

One of the most liberating concepts I discovered today is it’s okay to make mistakes.
Too many of us go through life striving for perfection. Striving to make the right move at the right time at all times. In doing so we forget to live. To stumble. To fall. To bruise ourselves.
When I look back at my life experiences, my best opportunities for growth came when I made mistakes because they allowed me to learn so much more about me, life and the people around me.
By making mistakes and getting through them, I have developed empathy because until I experienced the humbling effect of making a mistake, I could not relate to what other people were experiencing.
I remind myself constantly that I am an imperfect human being who was sent to this earth plane to learn more about myself and mankind by making mistakes. The bigger the mistake the greater the lesson.
I read an email Oprah shared from one of her African daughters who was thanking Oprah for teaching her so much about life. What was so profound about this young woman was that as a teenager she has a head start over so many of us adults. She has already liberated herself from the shackles of her mind and the expectations of others because she has accepted that it is okay to make mistakes. She knows already it is her ego that blocks her from living her life and not someone else’s. What a life she will lead if she remembers the power of releasing her ego.
I wish I had learned this early on then maybe I would not have boxed myself in. Maybe I would have been a better skier if I would have let myself fall. Maybe. Maybe. But it’s never too late. We have to learn to break the boundaries of our minds freeing us to falter so we can rise again.
Imagine if we all accepted that it is okay to make mistakes. Imagine how liberating it would be to live our lives adventurously and not according to the expectations of anyone else. Imagine the children we would raise. Are you getting the picture?
Now instead of imagining, let’s start living our lives, making mistakes along the way, picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and starting all over again. Mistakes are our greatest teachers.
How freeing is it to know that mistakes are the portals to a much more evolved and enlightened state of being. Let’s embrace those mistakes and learn from them.

Angels come in many guises

I recently had coffee with a friend and she was very intrigued by my life. She kept asking me how I was able to be so forgiving, so mature, so evolved.
My answer at the time was, “I had a horrible trauma at a very pivotal age in my life just when I starting to question my own identity. I spent many years thereafter going through various stages of darkness -sometimes feeling like I could no longer endure any more tests. “
She answered, “Yes, but why have you turned out the way you have and others have not?”
I have to admit her questions have been playing on my mind ever since. Every so often, her questions flicker through my mind, forcing me to stop and search for answers. Is it enough to say we are all here to learn different lessons? Is it arrogant to think some of us are more evolved than others because we are at different stages of our growth?
Once when I felt like my burdens were too much to bear, when I felt I had no one to turn to or no place to go, I asked one of my old school teachers ,who was also one of my substitute mothers after my mother died, why so much pain and suffering was being inflicted on me.
Her answer was, “God only give us what we can handle.”
I remember thinking at the time that God was very punitive because I felt I had experienced more than enough of my share of heartache and pain. I remember looking up to the sky and asking why was it that each time I moved one step forward I went ten steps backwards? I don’t remember receiving an immediate answer. All I remember is my life got far worse before it got better.
Here I am some thirty years later still grappling with the why until a chill ran through my body as an epiphany hit me. I suddenly realised because of all my trials, because of the places I have been and the hardships I have seen, I emerged as a much stronger person. These traumatic experiences helped me to become more forgiving, understanding and evolved because I know how others feel. I know how lonely it can be to be on the outside looking in. I know how terrible it feels to have a loved one die when you least expect. I know how it feels to go without, to have nothing, to not know where the next meal will come from. I have experienced all these things and I know that in time these times will pass, the darkness will lift and the light will come back into my life.
From a young age, I was heavily burdened with all kinds of trials to allow me to develop coping skills, empathy and love so that I could become the person I am today. I also know that my friend came into my life to remind me of my strengths so I don’t forget them during this transitional stage of my life. And for my friend’s probing I am truly grateful. Angels come in many different guises.

Teaching our children they are a part of a bigger Universe

There's nothing like waking up to a cool, crisp, bright, sunny Sunday morning. Listening to the sound of the birds singing. Watching the butterflies fluttering by. Hearing the wind swooshing past the open windows and feeling the coolness of the breeze wafting in.
On mornings such as these I wonder how we can have so much unrest in Bermuda. We live in a Garden of Eden - greenery everywhere. We are surrounded by the most turquoise oceans in the world and we have so much to be grateful for. So why are our children shooting each other? Why are they feeling so disillusioned? Why are there so many people waking up on a day like this afraid of what the day will bring?
I read something from Marianne Williamson this morning that may answer the why, “Inner peace doesn't come from getting what we want, but from remembering who we are." All of us need to start answering some very serious questions about ourselves so we can pass our feelings of inner peace on to our children. When they see us struggling to be who we are, it makes them think they have to be something they are not. And when they do, they struggle to find their authentic selves which leads them to be drawn to outside forces to find validation for the way they are feeling. Our children are struggling because we are struggling.
I also read another quote by Marianne Williamson this morning and it said, "Our ego is merely our fear. We all have egos, but that doesn't make us bad people. Our egos are not where we are bad, but where we are wounded." Our children, just like us, are wounded. They are being driven by these egos to act out and be a part of a gang that they probably wish they could get out of but can't because then who would take care of them. Becoming members of these gangs is their cry for help from the wounds they are carrying.
Looking outside at the crisp beautiful air perhaps it's time we started introducing our children and ourselves to the simplicities of life again. Turn off the television and the computer and take them outside so they can inhale the fresh air, appreciate the free show that nature puts on for us every day and let them understand they are a part of a much larger family - our Island, the place that is our collective home, which is in turn means we are part of the larger Universe. Let them know that with each individual, property or thing they destroy, they are destroying themselves because we are all interconnected and need each other to survive.
Let’s appreciate this beautiful day and teach our children to do so as well.

Bird of Paradise

I had been hunting for the Bird of Paradise flower for several weeks. I felt that I needed it in my home. I didn’t know why. And when I finally found it last week Saturday at one of the local farmer’s stands, I knew it was meant for me because he gave me the whole bunch for $10. In the flower shops, one stem is usually $10! I was very pleased with my purchase.
Once I got the flowers home, arranged them in a long clear glass vase with rocks at the bottom and placed it in the entrance to my home, I could not believe how settled my being became. I felt a sense of peace, harmony and tranquillity wash over me and spread throughout my household.
Feelings of unrest were replaced with feelings of confidence and certainty. Every time I looked at my Bird of Paradise arrangement, I felt a knowingness spread through me. A knowingness that I am on a path that is taking me to a wonderful stage of my life.
Today when contemplating the week that is ending, my Bird of Paradise kept drawing me in asking me to understand its meaning before it loses it beauty totally. So I did and was astonished to find that the flower symbolism associated with the bird of paradise flower is freedom, good perspective, faithfulness (when given from a woman to a man). It also signifies magnificence and should be given to someone when they need a lift. It can be used to indicate exciting and wonderful anticipation.
All these things I needed but yet the flowers only became available to me when I was at the stage where I could appreciate them. As I reflect back over my week, I realise the strength and lift that I got from having the flowers in my presence helped me to experience a spiritual and inner freedom I had not felt for a long time. I am so grateful for once again following my intuition and allowing it to guide me to the natural remedy that I needed for the busy and pivotal week I experienced.
As I look at my beautiful Bird of Paradise hanging on to its last days of glory, its colours fading, its majestic plumes wilting, making way for its death, I marvel at how nature gives us the cures we need when we are ready to listen to it. I also am in awe of the splendour nature produces by being itself.

We are all change agents

So where do we go from here? I don’t know about you but the death of Steve Jobs has left me reflecting on my life and whether I have truly lived my own life or whether I have been living everyone else’s life. Whenever a person like Steve Jobs, who we all consider to be in the untouchable class, dies it forces us all to address our own mortality.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. It’s all we’ve got. As Jobs stated in his now infamous speech to Stanford University graduating class of 2005, when I look in the mirror if this was my last day on earth would I be happy with what I am doing? And my answer right now, in this moment, is a resounding yes because I am writing, at home with my family, and being very true to myself.
However I know that this period in my life is a transition period preparing me for something greater so I am trying to enjoy every second of this time and living each day as if it was my last. I am exploring many different options and paths to see how they resonate with my soul. I’m taking my time. Not rushing. Not forcing anything and for the first time in a long time I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
I sat this morning and watched the day break and thought of another profound statement from Jobs, “Death is life’s change agent – it clears out the old to make way for the new.” I watched as the night sky died away and was replaced with the morning light signalling a new day. A new beginning.
Death may be defined in many different ways as all endings signal death in some way. I attended the Great Debate last night about the state of Bermuda’s economy and saw a lot of fear and apprehension in people’s eyes. And what I realise from that experience is that my own country Bermuda is on the cusp of change. We have experienced a death of the wealth and care freeness of our economy. We are now in the period of transition and what we have to do is chart our next rebirth in such a way that the Island can once again prosper. Let the past go because it is dead and think fresh and new.
What the people of Bermuda, you, and I need to do is as Steve Jobs said, “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” We can’t become complacent. We are a mature society and we must not let our past good fortunes lull us into thinking there is nothing more we can do. We are all change agents.

Daring to be different

Steve Jobs, Apple past president and CEO, died peacefully yesterday surrounded by family. He leaves to mourn his wife and children.
These are the words of the standard obituary we have all come to know. But Jobs was more than standard because he also leaves behind a world he changed dramatically by daring to be different. Jobs stepped outside the box and altered the way we interface with each other – whether it proves to be a good thing or not, he changed our whole way of being.
My husband thought it was really sad that a man like Jobs would die at such a young age 56. Whilst I agree with the sentiment I also have learned something wonderful from this innovative and boundary less man, despite dying at what many would consider to be a young age, Jobs lived his life to the fullest and according to his own rules.
Being diagnosed with cancer must have forced Jobs to face and accept his mortality. I believe this diagnosis caused Jobs to realise regardless of how rich and famous he was he could not elude death and that his time on Earth was finite. It does not appear that he wallowed in pity instead he used his time to move mountains because as he once said, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.”
He propelled Apple from obscurity to notoriety by thinking outside the box constantly. His beginnings, by all accounts, appear to have been humble and for many would have been an excuse not to achieve. He was adopted. Never made contact with his biological father. Dropped out of University which led him to study calligraphy and caused him to fall in love with typefaces and from there he started his quest to change the world. He is also noted for saying, “It’s not what you decide to do in life, and it’s what you decide not to do.”
I believe what Jobs was trying to say is that many of us take the expected and often unsatisfying path in life. People like him change the world because they do not do what is expected instead they redefine the unexpected. He was fired and rehired by Apple. He faced many trials but never once did his trials force him to compromise. He remained true to himself to his death.
Steve Jobs may have died at the age of 56 but he embraced life more than some people who live to be 100 because he knew that his time on Earth was limited and he had nothing to lose by shattering all boundaries and stereotypes that previously existed for technology. And thanks to his innovative thinking we are all more connected than we ever would have been without him.
Steve Jobs’ death made me think of Beyonce’s new song (which I totally love), ‘I was here’. Steve Jobs has definitely “left a footprint in the sands of time” and will be remembered forever more for changing the entire landscape of technology by being true to himself. He didn’t care whether his quest was loved or not, he just did.
May he rest in peace because in his short time on earth, Jobs completed the job he needed to do because his legacy lives on through the mark he leaves behind. A vast majority of the world knows he was here.

Intuition

Intuition is defined as the ability to know something without reason. It comes from the Latin word “'intueri'” which translates to mean go inside or contemplate.
In a more literal sense intuition is that feeling we all get when the hair stands up on the back of our necks when we see, hear or feel something. It’s that gut feeling that we get in the pit of our stomachs when something does not resonate with us. It is that feeling of clear abandonment and contentment when something or someone feels right for us.
So why do we listen to it sometimes and not others. Why do we do things that our whole being warned us not to do? What pushes us into situations we know in our heart of hearts is wrong for us? What steers us away from what is right for us to what is so wrong for us?
I believe the main reason is ego. We tend to put ego first – what we think we should have rather than what we need. Ego forces us to compare ourselves to others and believe we deserve to have what they have or more.
However there are more subtle reasons for overriding our intuition and these are usually driven by feelings of insecurity. These feelings cause us to be pressured into situations we do not want because we want to be accepted, liked , or the desire to meet the expectations of those around us rather than listening to that inner compass that is always trying to direct us to where we need to go.
Overriding our intuition, not listening to our inner voice often puts us on a much harder path than if we had listened. Shutting out our inner voice or intuition does not mean we will fail to reach the final destination because we will. It just means the road will be a lot harder with more bumps and bruises.
Sometimes we have to take the road of not following our inner voice so that we can learn lessons that we failed to learn when our road was much easier. Recently I was put in a horrible position because I did not follow my intuition. Despite feeling nauseous, not being able to think straight, my palms sweating and every hair on my body standing straight up, all of my basic animal instincts warning me of danger, I dismissed them and allowed someone to force me to do something that I knew I should have avoided. And you know what I still have all those feelings even now because I know by dismissing my inner compass, I made my road that much harder.
But what I also decided from that experience is I have to take back my power and I have to somehow try to right my situation. It will be tough but I have to keep repeating to myself, “I am the only person that has power over me. I cannot allow anyone to take that away from me leaving me feeling defenceless and lost. I am worthy.”
That experience reinforced for me the importance of listening to my inner voice, that inner compass called intuition. I get the message Universe and I intend to take heed from now on. And so should you.

Trust

Many of us have suffered incredible loss in our lives which has tested our belief in self, the meaning of life and whether we could ever trust again. Could we open our hearts and souls again knowing we could be exposing ourselves to an even greater hurt?
Sometimes we find it easier to close our hearts. We live superficial lives, always protecting ourselves from being hurt again. But once we shut ourselves off, we never experience true love and without love there is nothing.
I learnt this lesson from a very vulnerable period in my life; I had just become a teenager when my life was turned upside in the blink of an eye. I went to bed a normal teenager on May 16, 1976 but was awakened abruptly at 3.30 in the morning to see my mother frothing at the mouth, making a snoring sound that I was never to forget in my life and I knew deep down in my heart I had lost her. That she was never coming back to me. That the light in my life had been suddenly and unexpectedly snuffed out.
Despite knowing, I held on to the hope that she would come back. After all she had promised me the week before that she would never leave me. But she did. And what was worse was that she left me without even telling me goodbye. Without giving me a second chance to show her that I loved her and needed her. She left me broken. Wounded. Terrified. What was I meant to do without her light? She was my everything. So how could she be gone. Poof. Like magic. Disappeared.
It took me quite some time to come to terms with her sudden death. Some days I mourned her. Some days I hated her. Other days I treasured the time we had together.
It wasn’t until I was much older that I understood why I had chosen her knowing she would die. Her death frightened me so much that my heart closed. That I could not and dared not love anyone again as unconditionally and unequivocally as I had loved her. There is nothing that can match the love between a mother and her child. Yet this love had been ripped out of my chest just like that, without warning, over night.
I never thought I would be able to love so freely again. When the going got tough in my later relationships, I got out of there before my partner could leave me. I found it difficult to trust. To commit. I felt that every person that came into my life was temporary because I had learned that love does not last. Pain takes over and the darkness is all encompassing. So I learned to flee - my defence mechanism. No one was ever going to hurt me again. Not if I could help it.
It was only when I met my husband – someone who wanted to love me despite my scars, my flaws that I learned not to run. He took me to my mother’s grave. A place I had not been since her death sixteen years before. At first I saw no point of it. But went anyway. I stood there not knowing which grave was hers – her grave is unmarked. It was awkward. I felt nothing. We got back to the apartment and I stood in the closet and the dam broke. Tears I did not know I still had for her flowed. My body convulsed in grief. I sobbed for the thirteen year old girl that never grieved because she had to be strong. I cried for the twenty nine year old woman who stood at that closet door understanding for the first time that my mother had died to make me see that love does not die. It stays inside of us forever. I understood for the first time that she was telling me to trust and it will be okay. I understood that she had given me a gift of love that she could not give me when she was alive because she did not have the strength to trust her own inner voice. She gave me that gift by breaking my heart when I was very young so that I could mend and go on. She couldn’t do it when she was alive. She had six children. Her only escape was death.
I understood she was giving me the chance to right her wrong. To listen to my inner voice. The voice that told me on that ill fated night that she was not coming back. That she had gone. It was only then that I realised my husband was holding me tight. Not questioning. Just holding. Letting me grieve. Letting me learn that if I love and trust I will never have to flee again because love does not die. It lives forever.

Relationships

According to Marianne Williamson, “Relationships are assignments. Relationships are the Holy Spirit’s laboratories in which He brings together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth.”
Finally I understand why two people like my husband and I are attracted to each other based on this quote. We are polar opposites with completely different outlooks on life but for some reason we have managed to remain married for going on twenty years.
We are both very strong individuals who know what we want and so when we disagree, we disagree. But according to Marianne Williams we have been brought together because we challenge each other to find out who we truly are.
No longer do I feel I have chosen the wrong person when I hear about couples who never argue or disagree. I now know that I attracted my husband in my life because he is one of my greatest teachers. I cannot hide who I truly am from him. He gets to see the worst side of me – the side that is only reserved for my inner circle. He gets to see me when I am weak, vulnerable, tired, and afraid. He gets to experience me lashing out - sometimes more than he would like.
But what I do know for sure is that on those days when I feel like I want to kill my husband, walk away from him, shut the door on us, I must look myself in the mirror and try to figure out what maximum opportunity for growth he is providing me with. I must ask what the lesson is I am meant to learn from him until I feel the anger, disillusionment and despair melt away to yield love and light.
I also have come to realise that the longer I am married to my husband the more difficult the lessons are because we are moving beyond the surface, beyond the superficial, and we are being drawn closer and closer to each other’s deepest, darkest cores – the place where none of us wants to go but the place where we need to go if we are to truly flourish as individuals allowing us to be a better couple.
I dread the challenge sometimes and wish that we could just stay at the surface but we have come too far for that now and there is no turning back. What keeps me going with my husband is seeing the way he interacts with our children, the way he provides us with security, the way he is rebuilding our family home, the history we have built together, the times when we are so in sync that no words need to be spoken. Those treasures are so hard to give up and make up for those times when we are pushing each other beyond realms we thought possible - when the steam is streaming out of our heads, when we can cut the tension with a knife because now I understand that when we are at these crossroads, we are truly helping each other to become better people.
Relationships are tough and are constantly changing because two individuals are brought together to form a cohesive unit. Each person is growing at a different pace at times but what we must do to survive is give each other the rope to grow, the freedom to be, the wings to fly, the trust that we can make it through anything. And once the darkness passes, the people that come out on the other side are much better for it and the love that emerges is stronger than ever.

Freedom

Yesterday my niece wrote on my Facebook page that she really enjoys reading my blog as she finds it really inspiring. She lives in Wilmington Delaware and I live in Bermuda so it’s a good way to provide advice and direction without judgment.
One of the things she wrote was, “I want so badly to just be FREE... I keep telling myself TO LET GO and LET GOD.”” Her statement totally resonated with me and I started thinking about what being free really means.
I wrote back to her, “It’s hard to let go and trust but that’s what we have to do if we ever want to be free. But remember freedom means different things to different people.”
So what is freedom? I believe freedom is a state of mind and it is easier for some to reach than others. We all believe that freedom is having the ability and flexibility to do what we want whenever we want. But think about it, if we did have the luxury to do whatever we want whenever we want, would we think we are truly free? Is there truly such a thing as freedom in the literal sense?
Sometimes I look at the homeless people on the street and think they are the ones who understand freedom. They live their lives without structure. Without anyone telling them what to do. Without any expectations. But the cost of their freedom is they have nowhere to call home so they lack a foundation, a place of the heart and that’s why their eyes always look so haunted - like they are trying to find their way home.
I look at some of the celebrities and rich and famous people who have all the freedom in the world but still they crash and burn because they put too much pressure on themselves to live a certain way. They make so much money and have access to just about anything their hearts desire but they get so caught up in being a celebrity or a rich and famous person that they forget to live in the moment and enjoy their abundance. They sometimes have the same haunted look in their eyes as the homeless person because though they have a place to call home, they have lost their souls in the process. Lost in their abundance. Clearly not free.
Some of our clearest examples of what freedom looks like are children. They have the clear whites in their eyes, the brightness of the soul and a care freeness that draws even the bitterest people in. They have no expectations. They dream. Believe in magic and believe that anything is possible. Their laughter is pure. Not forced. Their joy is infectious and their whole beings radiate love and light. So how do we lose the ability to be free once we become adults?
I believe it’s because we lose the ability to dream. We forget the magic. We box ourselves in by becoming cynical rather than open. We judge thereby limiting our possibilities. We believe that if we are struggling that it is worth it rather than finding something that satisfies our being. We lose touch with our authentic selves and spend the rest of our lives trying to reconnect.
Nature shows us every day just how easy it is to be free. Trees stand firm on still days then bend and flex during windy days. Birds fly freely on clear days then go into hiding in storms. Plants flourish when the conditions are right; wither when they aren’t.
Freedom means accepting ourselves for who we are and always acknowledging our authentic selves so that when we are confronted by any condition or storm we have the ability to respond to it accordingly and it does not matter how much money or possessions we have.
Freedom is truly a state of mind without boundaries ,without expectations ,without judgement.
Freedom just is.