Cathy Duffy: Trying too hard is not always the easy path

Cathy Duffy: Trying too hard is not always the easy path: Have you ever wanted something so badly that you could taste it and feel it but could not get anywhere near to it? That’s how I am feeling ...

Trying too hard is not always the easy path

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you could taste it and feel it but could not get anywhere near to it? That’s how I am feeling at the moment.

I so want to write. To get my blog started to exercise my demons and innermost desires because I almost feel like writing is my alter ego. It allows me the ability to tap into desires and feelings I did not truly understand or knew even existed. Writing forces me to go beneath the veneer I often project and delve deep into me. Anything that I have suppressed bubbles to the surface and comes bursting through yelling ‘explore me, explore me’. Challenging me. Forcing me to explore. And it feels so good when I do.  

Until the demons of self doubt cloud my judgement.  Questioning me about my ability to write. Querying who I think I am. And why would anyone want to read what I write.  Suppressing my desire and instead making me want my writing to be a success rather than just enjoying the process of writing.

It is during these times that I find that I am trying too hard to come up with topics that are extraordinary. And by doing so I put pressure on myself to think of things that will appease my readers rather than writing what resonates with me.

So today I decided that I would just sit down at the computer and let my creative juices flow and let me write about whatever comes to me. To let my alter ego through rather than my intellectual self and what has happened is amazing. I am just writing. Writing without any inhibitions and I feel free.

So my lesson today is clear. I have to stop trying too hard to be something that I am not and just be and let whatever is meant to happen happen. I also have to trust and not think too much because only then will I feel a sense of accomplishment.  A sense of satisfaction.  And more importantly a sense of truth.

Too Many Choices

As we age, there is a certain wisdom that comes with it. A wisdom that can only come from experience, is heartfelt and is not something that we can ever learn from books. It is only learned from life and how we live it.  Elders are a great source of wisdom if only we would take the time to listen to them and truly hear the wisdom they are trying to impart to us.

My mother-in-law, who has lived eighty four good years on this earth, has uttered on many occasions, “I would hate to be your generation. You have far too many choices. In my day we just did because that’s the way it was.”

At this stage in my life her statement has come to mind on many occasions particularly since I am contemplating my next move. In my mother-in-law’s generation they just did which left them no time to have choices. They lived by a much stricter code than we do today. They were held to a much higher moral standard than what we are held to today. They kept their innermost desires to themselves and the roles between males and females were clearly defined in the more traditional sense. Life was black and white. There was no grey.

When I think about her life in comparison to mine, I wonder if her life is easier than mine or if my life is easier than hers? I guess it’s just a matter of how we view what the term easy means.

No matter what life deals my mother in law, she just goes along with the limited expectations and choices that she has before her. She has learned to suffer in silence. Always be strong. Question her choice on the inside but never outwardly. No one knows what her true feelings are on anything except her. No one knows what her true dreams and desires are and were except her. She just does and accepts her fate for what it is. Even if her dreams were not met, her philosophy is she has made her bed and she has to lie in it. In her view and her generations’ view, there are no options.

My life on the other hand and the lives of all those in my generation are filled with a wide variety of choices. We are the first disposable generation. Consequently, jobs, possessions, marriages, relationships have become disposable as well.  People are very surprised if marriages last for more than five years. The world of antiques is dying off because many people want to change their decorations and homes every few years because they can. Corporations shut down divisions with no real notice periods. Loyalties have gone out the window. We have no real attachments to anything because we believe that everything is easily replaceable. Is that why we are all wondering around like lost sheep? Aimless? Disappointed ?

Has the fact that we have so many choices allowed us to think that we have more rights as individuals as well and in some ways has created in us a false belief that if something isn’t going our way, we can just change it without thinking about the consequences? Have we lost the ability to think about consequences because nothing is meant to last forever? Have we lost our ability to endure? And if so, is this why we are running around looking for answers rather than facing the fact that the answers are always there right in front of our faces if we just took the time to learn the lesson? By throwing everything away, by believing that we have the right to choose whatever we want, are we losing the opportunity to grow because we run or toss out or give up when the going gets tough? Simply because we can and no one will ever bat an eye that we have given up.

When I look at my life in this way, I’m not sure whose life is easier, my mother-in-laws or mine. What I do know for sure is that the only way that I can ever grow and mature is to be grateful for the fact that I do have choices but this fact does not give me the right to toss away anything just because it does not agree with me anymore. Choices don’t always mean changing things or tossing things away. Choices can also mean deciding to stay where you are, keep what you have, appreciate it for what it is and get on with it.

I still can’t decide whose life is easier. My mother-in-law has resigned herself to believe she has no choices because that’s what her generation does. My generation on the other hand has to consciously decide to stick with any choice we make because it is much easier to walk away than to endure.  Her choices may not be as varied as mine but fundamentally our decisions may still be the same.  My process to making the decision to remain is much harder than hers. 

Trying to navigate Blogging

This whole blogging concept is so new to me that it is overwhelming. I am trying to get established as a blogger because I know I have so much to say about everyday life and writing is the greatest vehicle to use to be heard. To get my voice out there.

So why am I finding this whole blogging concept so intimidating yet so available at the same time. There are pages layered upon pages giving instructions about how to set up a blog and the more I read the more I feel nervous. How do I protect myself from those that are out there to prey on the innocent, the naive? How do I make sure that I have chosen the right blog spot that will allow people access to my writings.

Oh well I guess I just have to trust my instincts and do what I feel is right. Stop second guessing myself all the time and just throw myself to the wind and see where I am blown.

So here's to stepping out from the sidelines to the forefront to the very place where I am open and exposed. I hope you take this journey with me as I navigate from virgin territory to the unknown.

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